A final post.

Well, I've decided that I'm pretty much done with this blog. I don't think I really have any readers anymore, and I have several other blogs that I've been updating pretty much daily for almost a year now, plus I've got a lot of followers on one of them, it's pretty cool. For some reason I always forget about this one haha. So I guess I'll say farewell!

And remember guys,
art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.

(If you don't get that, don't feel to bad... most people who weren't given the philosophical gene don't catch on to it ;).. ciao)

Big news <3

Yep, that's right. I actually have things to tell you all about for once! Let's start with the big news:

I came out to my family about being gay. I was tired of lying to my family and friends, and knew that it was time to just tell them. I'm so happy that I have a loving family. They may not like it or plan to support it, but I'm their daughter and they love me just the same, and that's more than good enough for me! So yes, for those of you who don't know or haven't heard, I'm gay.

-- and no it wasn't a recent realization either, I've known since I was about 12 years old --

I also got my labret pierced (the middle of the bottom lip) and it looks pretty snazzy! I also got transferred to my new house, so not only do I have a MUCH less demanding schedule, I also have no more night shifts, and work in a more laid back setting as the guys here are independent and don't require medication. I'm already loving it!

On other news... I'm living on Juniper at the moment because I'm watching a friend's house while she's on vacation, and her cat hates me! One is all loving and cuddly, but the other one yowls whenever I walk into the room and hisses! It stalks me! It's like a demon-kitty!

I also found out that she has a frog. I keep forgetting about the stupid little thing, good thing I found it though or it would've starved lol.

Anyway, there's my update! Love you guys!

So here I am..

So I'm currently working my second last set of night shifts! I'm so happy, not because I'm sitting here bleary eyed and wishing I was holding a pillow instead of a broom, but because there's only two more sets to go and I'm finito with nights! This is reason to celebrate!

Anyway, thought I'd give a little update on the ever-so exciting happenings of Bethany!

Yeah, there's nothing exciting.

Bye guys!




Just kidding! I had a pretty fun wipeout with my longboard at an intersection today, I hit some sand that had collected on the road and the board sort of skidded, and normally I can just keep going, but because I was bent out into a turn I ended up crashing and rolling... and almost hitting a truck! Oh my! Luckily no fenders became benders due to my body being crushed, so life goes on..

In about 2 weeks I switch over to my new house, which I'm incredibly excited about!!! The 3 guys that live there are sweet hearts, honestly I adore them, and they're a lot more independent (jobs, no meds, girlfriends, etc) so it'll be a little bit less of a constant push on my patience button. And I get along really well with the manager there too, he's cool, does tattoos, local artist, and the size of a house... but whatever. He thinks he's gonna make me cry, and while I acted tough and said he wouldn't, we all know I probably will. "What, you want me to COOK? *burst into tears*"

Anyhow, I'm also going to be posting something that will be long, sort of intense to read, and probably difficult for you girls to understand pretty soon. It'll be a big shock, but honestly, I just need to get it off my chest. But I'm talking to my family about it first, as I owe it to them.

Much love!
Beth

About Micheal Jackson, Broken Beer Bottles, and the Thriller Dance..

knSo I want to start off by apologizing about sucking so much at keeping this puppy updated... my bad!

Anyway, can you believe he finally kicked the bucket? Ok, I mean I know Micheal Jackson wasn't everyone's favorite person.. let's face it, he hasn't been this stiff since that little boy came to visit (if ya know what I mean heh) but man... he was an INCREDIBLE performer! He paved the way for EVERYONE! Justin Timberlake, Usher, even friggin Christina Aguilera! Not to mention his wacky crazy awesome dancing... I will never stop trying to learn the moonwalk, blisters and sprained toes be damned! I miss him already, but eh... everyone has to go right?

Anyway, I have this giant gash on the bottom of my foot... it hurts, and it's gross looking, and as per usual it's all my fault that I have it in an ironic sort of way. The other day I noticed a smashed bottle on the road, and figured I should move it so no one ruins their tires with the glass, I tossed the big old pieces onto the grass and thought nothing of it. And then last night, coming to work, I stepped on it..

I was wearing my favorite sneakers, those ones I got in gr.10 that are ripped and ragged and occasionally glow an eerie greenish color (they should do a tribute to them on the Twilight Zone show, seriously, they were some pretty nasty sneakers) but I loved them with all my heart. Unfortunately they're so old and icky that the giant piece of beer bottle I stepped on went through them and into my foot, a full inch into my foot, and a full 3 inches wide. I love life, really.

So now one sneaker is fully stained with blood, I'm walking with a limp -GANGSTA!- and my beloved shoes are in the trash for all eternity. :( all this because I'm a thoughtful person. Eff my life.

So yeah, that's my traumatic experience for the day.

I got bored last night at work and learned the thriller dance, friggen awesome! It was so much fun, even with a bloody limping foot haha. AND I've finally mastered hills on the long board, it was hard because the thing goes so fast, but I now rule Thompson! Random people tell me they see me around town, and I've been nicknamed the "skater chick" by Robins Donuts and some other people I don't ever know or talk to... gotta love it.

Anyway that's about it for now!

Ooooh wait! I got my bedroom set in, and I have to assemble it all myself, and apparently I suck, because it looks like frankenstein and pinnochio had a baby. So here's to hoping I can figure that out, or I'll have several nails to the bum after my first week sleeping on it!!

Love ya!

Hello Hello

I have this awesome song by Eve 6 stuck in my head, it's called "Here's to the nights", if you haven't listened to it, I highly suggest you do ladies (and gentlemen.. though I'm not sure if I have any manly followers..) it's a super amazing song about friendship and the "good old days of highschool hangouts".

Anyway.. oh gross Backstreet Boys is playing on the tv, how awful! Anyway, I figured I'd give a little update, though I have virtually nothing to update about!

I bought my longboard (lots of cheering please), it's essentially a long skateboard. I decided the first thing I was going to do is take it down a big hill.... HUGE mistake. I didn't realize how fast the bloody things go and nearly killed myself. However I've now mastered it. On the second day I had it though I took it to work, and while I was on the street of the house I work at, I totally wiped out haha... I sprained my ankle, got a concussion, and wrecked my right hand lol. It was awesome. Of course I was back on it a few minutes later and happy as can be lol.

Other than that I've worked.. and am planning a fun trip at the end of the month with Josh, in which we're going to a gay bar because they have the best dance music and dance floors, and clearly that's why we're hitting up the bars in the first place!

However, my supervisor just walked in so I'm signing off.

Ciao!
Beth

The long awaited post (no, I haven't forgotten about you)

So, I put off posting for 4 main reasons;
Firstly, I was in the middle of ending the short lived relationship with Evan. The ending to our lovely little tale of confusion and awkward hang outs was due to the second reason I haven't posted..

I'm in the middle of moving plans! Yes, I'm finally up and leaving the sad little town of Thompson. I'm moving to Winnipeg in January with a friend, our pets love eachother, we adore eachother, and it's going to be awesome. We have enough of the same friends that we'll have amicable hang out times, but enough of other friends we'll still have alone time and space. Love it!

Also, now that it's warming up, my social life has flared to life once more. No longer do I sit in bed and read all day like a hermit, now I sit in bed and read all day... but take breaks to see people!

Lastly, Bella had to go to the vet to be declawed and spayed and get her shots, and she was a sad little pile of whimpering sore fur with tender tootsies, who I doted on and carried around wherever she wanted to go. It was harder than I anticipated, because I don't speak kitten, so her directions took a while to get across... after a while I figured out the pattern though: "Carry me to my food. Carry me to my sitting spot, and carry me to my litter box. Now back to the second sitting spot, onto your bed, then back to the food." I'm a wonderful mother!

So... other than that there's next to nothing new. Oh I bought a fish, it's red and I named it Moo! He's on my bedside table, and I quite like him, he stares at me :)

So there you have it, the not so interesting encounters of the month of May, enjoy!

I haven't updated in over a month? Time flies!

So... as most of you have figured out by now, I somehow managed to get busy enough to entirely forget to post on here! What a sin, I'm sorry guys, haha. To all my little buddies now finishing with school and thinking of coming home... I'm so excited to see you! To a specific little buddy thinking of skipping the coming home thing, I hope you have a great time travelling, but if I don't get my arms around you at least ONCE this summer, I'll be a tad sniffly!

Anyway, onto other matters! Nothing much has happened, haha. Honestly... I did some fun things over the last few months, pierced my lip (then promptly took it out when I was constantly mistaken for a lesbian.. seriously, I'm not kidding. Short hair and a lip piercing now equal a person's sexual identity... go figure.), did a lot of work, got my kitten (who's getting her shots, spayed, and de-clawed all at once this month, poor baby :(...) who lives in snow lake until I'm in a place where pets are allowed, did some more work (less night shifts! Hurray!), befriended my friend's daughter who now stalks my every move and doesn't let me have coffee with said friend.. Instead I'm forced to be Princess Sparkle the mermaid pirate. Because of this I almost commited suicide and a mass murder (just kidding, but seriously, princess sparkle?! I agree with you Claire, kids are just plain creepy).

I'm currently seeing someone (yes... I know, first in a LOOOONG time). I really enjoyed taking a break from guys and hookups and relationships. I sort of stumbled into this one, but it's going very slowly -he understands my work schedule is pretty demanding- and there's virtually no pressure. I like it! He's making me dinner tonight before my night shift, which I think is super sweet, as I certainly can't do it for him haha, not if I want him around later! He has a giant horse of a dog that likes to trade her slobber ball for whatever snack I have in my hands (and thinks it's a fair trade too, psh!), and we've been having a great time. It's still pretty fresh though, so while I wouldn't say we're "dating" or "in a relationship" we're definitely seeing eachother.

I started a new book, as my old one was deleted by some terrible monster with no heart (and no eyes if I ever get my hands on them :)..) and it's been keeping me busy in my downtime.

This summer will be my summer of opportunity, that's right, I labelled my summer. After such a boring year, I've decided to try a whole wack-load of new things this summer.. who knows what'll happen. High heels, oil painting, a tattoo, and naked cliff jumping are definitely on the list! But we'll see where it goes, lol.

Anyway, I have a client who's currently getting rather angry that I haven't made the morning coffee yet... and because she's stronger than me, I think I should go make it or risk having my pretty little bottom beat, lol. Miss you guys!

:(

I have to admit that I've had a terrible week.

To begin, on Tuesday I found out that someone hacked into my hotmail account and deleted my book, Amnesin. Those of you that I've let in on it know I've been working on it for 6 and a half years. Thousands of pages, countless hours of work, hundreds of dollars, but it was finally coming together. I had been picked up by a great publisher, and believe it or not, was going to be doing pre-release signings this summer and on the shelves by next Christmas. I was going to be published.

Now you're probably thinking "you can get the book back silly." but I can't. I had 3 "safety" copies. One on my dad's computer, which was re-formatted recently and only his work files were saved (my book was deleted). One on my laptop, which recently crashed and I wasn't able to save anything from it. I know how to do things like that, and after a month of trying daily, I spent about $600 at different places, only to be told every time that they couldn't get to the files, and that everything was lost. But I still had my copy on my email. Until someone hacked it and deleted it.

I have trouble explaining what this means to me, but essentially, I may have just seen my writing career go out the window, overnight. There's no way to get it back, I tried tracing the email, etc. But the person that hacked it knew what they were doing, and deleted anything that I could use to find out who it went to, or where it was sent, or even to get it back after it was deleted.

I'm so broken over this, because this book meant everything to me. Not only have I poured everything into it, but it was finally showing my family that this was something I really could do, that I had the talent, and that it wasn't a waste for me to follow this dream. Now I have nothing, will be dropped by the publishers, and feel depressed beyond anything you could imagine. I spent more than a quarter of my life on this, only to watch it be snatched away from me. I cried for about 2 days straight, and now I'm just in shock. I can't even get angry, I'm too heartbroken and sad. I don't understand why someone would do this to me.

Also, work was finally working out, we were going back to a normal rotation, so I'd be off night shifts. But someone quit, and now I'm doing the nights for another month, or so it appears right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been doing crazy overtime for almost 4 months now, and it's getting harder and harder. I don't sleep properly, I don't eat properly, my friends don't talk to me anymore, and I'm just depressed. I wont lie, I've considered going to see a councellor or something, because my head is messed up. I love this job, and they're completely dependent on me right now, and I can't leave or take time off, because the house may very well get shut down if I do. That adds an indescribable amount of pressure to my already aching head. I just can't do all of this anymore. But there's nothing I can do about it.

I was supposed to be able to go and see my family for the day on Friday, but now I've been given more night shifts and can't. Mom is so upset, I think she thinks I'm using work as an excuse to not have to see her. But I've only spent a full day with them once since September, and I miss them so much. Especially now. All I want is to sit on the couch with her or Dad and bawl my eyes out like a teen. I know I'm an adult and responsible, but we're allowed to cry. But god, I don't even have the time for that right now.

I also have another mass in my breast. This one has spread and is causing me pain, I really need to go get it checked and then taken out. The pain and the fact that it's spreading is a REALLY bad sign, as it points directly to cancer. But go figure, I don't have the ****ing time to go and see a doctor.

Guys, I need prayer, or better yet, a hug, or... god I don't know. Just put me into a coma for a month. Anything. I'm in such a bad frame of mind right now, and I just need to get away. But I can't.

Thanks for reading, if by chance you did. I miss you guys.
Beth

Winnipeg! The land of perpetual warmth and smog :)

I loved my trip. That is all.





Just kidding! That's far from all, I'm going to take you through the whole thing!
So I just made it to the bus, apparently they board at 9:45 instead of at 10pm like I thought, whoopsie, but I got a good seat all the same and settled in with my music. The entire ride, and yes I do mean from when we sat in the seats at 10pm until 7:05am the next day, three little demon babies decided to take turns crying. Normally I'll sit there and coo about how cute they are. But they weren't even cute. They were hideous little screamers that smelt awful and were able to drown out my music. That's some serious lung power, up-and-coming opera singers? Yes, yes they are.

Anyway, I gratefully scuttled off of the bus, grabbed my stuff, and had a quick smoke before realizing I should probably text Chaley to tell her I'm there. Then I waited a few minutes and had a biiig reunion with Chaley (i.e: there was much hugging and exchanging of pleasantries, and of course throwing candy to children, jk) and she took me to the campus. I dropped off my stuff, had some coffee, and then we headed out to do shopping (it was almost 9am at this point, I waste no time when it comes to shopping, you already know this).

We were at the mall until about 5-something that evening. And yes, I took the time to admire EVERY cute boy I saw. I live in Thompson, I deserved the eye candy after months of fasting from all things decently good looking.

That night we went with Chaley's fella to a random house for some spaghetti and games. It just so happened the random house actually belonged to the BUgirl crew! One of whom I went to school with in Briercrest! -she didn't recognise me, but that's not the point- and we hung out and played dirty card games. They weren't supposed to be dirty, but I was playing, so naturally things took a shift to the dark side. Many a joke about immigrant weddings and awkward grannies were soon to follow!

The next day, I woke up bright and early (only to find out that Chaley likes to sleep, hmph.) so I got up and wandered around the apartment in circles until she got up and went across the street for coffee -YAY-. It was around then that I called to see if Josh was coming to the city from Brandon at all, and HE WAS ON HIS WAY! This was big. It was amazing, it was like a meteor about to crush earth, but that's bad and his coming was good. So I guess that made no sense whatsoever. Oh well.

Anyway, he decided I should go and stay with him that night and hang out there for St. Pattys and do some serious partying, which of course I agreed to on the spot (yay, Josh sleepovers!). So he and I went back to the mall (not wanting to waste even a half hour's shopping time) and then we headed to Brandon. It was great. I completely messed up my wrist that night, and have no idea how. He and I had long since fallen asleep on his bed, when we awoke to a huge group of people coming into his place (apparently his friend brought a party home, but then ditched) so we woke up (without thinking I went out in his pj bottoms... awkward!) and we partied for another few hours. It was pretty much the greatest.

I got up a little bit before him when his friends decided to come into his room and make icky jokes about our being in bed together (it's Josh, perfectly innocent, I swear, I turned down the advances, lol) and then they went back out to get high for the millionth time that day (they were still partying when we got up in the morning.. hardcores, yuck.) so Josh got up for class, and I hung out and spooned with random strangers for a few hours until he came back. Then I hopped onto the bus after hugging him until his eyes bled, and went back to the Peg.

From there there was a lot of sushi eating (deeeelicious), university snooping (guess who got to meet the teachers and chat up Lloyd Axworthy? Yeah that's right, me, he offered me admission.. woo hoo, too bad I don't wanna, lol) and then Chaley and I got done up and went out to a club where a cool band (Bend Sinister, they're great) were playing.

Needless to say I loved the music and zoned into it as Chaley and her fella kissed the night away. But afterwards when the shows were done, I went and was talking to the Bend Sinister band, and the lead singer and I got into a talk about thompson winter roads (apparently he finds them fascinating.. sign number one that I probably shouldn't continue the conversation, but oh well) and about an hour later (after he had gotten me another drink and such) he offered to walk me to the door, AND KISSED ME!

Yup, I've kissed the lead singer of a band on tv. I'm a groupie whore, oh dang. However, I must say, for a guy who likes winter roads more than the average person (aka a bit of a weirdo) he was a fantastic kisser! This continued until Chaley walked in on us -whoopsie- so I had to take off. It was a random time, but a fun time.

The next day I was hungover.

I did more shopping (of course) and met up with Cory and Tiff from camp, and we walked around and listened to Cory's awkward poop story (it's on facebook, you should read it, fantastic) and laughed for a while, until I went back to Chaley's place, and fell asleep. Then I took the bus home. And man, that's a story in itself!!!

They apparently now have security checks for the buses (so no one gets their heads lopped off, thank you Vince Lee... I still think his not going to prison is BS, even if the gangs would kill him within the week...) and I had to empty my pockets, and explain every little thing in my backpack. When the guy asked if I had a fork or anything, I explained I had chopsticks for my sushi (can ya tell I love it?) but that I wasn't intending to stab anything other than said sushi with my chopsticks. He thought it was hilarious, but I was being quite serious... I needed those chopsticks! Then I had to go through a metal scan, and the dude kept going over my crotch region (hello, I have a zipper, not a giant knife shoved up my woo-hoo... it's not that uncommon buddy, zippers happen) and finally let me go. I got on the bus, and go figure, more crying babies.

I didn't sleep, but got to Thompson and was welcomed by a lot of blustery snow and bitter weather. After sunny Winnipeg, I wasn't impressed.

Anyway, that's my trip! Now I'm back to mundane night shifts and apartment living. But I have wicked cool hot pink sunglasses, and some cool outfits that other Thompsonites don't have. So life is grand.

Love you all!

Because I don't feel like being tardy..

So, I'm going to Winnipeg tonight!

I'm so bloody excited for the trip, it's ridiculous. Staying at a friend's flat, pub crawling on St. Patties, Josh might be coming in (which would put me through the roof, I've missed that guy for sooo long now), and of course... shopping! SHOPPING! The shoes, the hot store clerks, the feel of cashmere sweaters.. *sigh* life is sweet.

Unfortunately I have a long dirty bus ride before I go. Not so fun, but eh, so long as I'm not the next random victim be-headed, I'm happy!

I can also fit my hair into pig tails again, it's slowly growing out! Oh boy!

Anyway, I'll update you all another time. Sabrina sucks.

Hello Again :o)

Sorry I haven't updated in so long, it honestly feels like time flies sometimes! Just a month or so ago it was like a week could have been a year... and now, it's going by like crazy! Not that I mind, I'm going to Winnipeg in about a week and a half, and I can't wait. I'll get to see Chaley, I'm going for lunch with her and The president of the UofW (who is also the ex-Minister of Foreign Affairs in Canada, cool eh?) and I think it'll be a great time. I even get to see Bend Sinister live (they sound like a grunge rock band, I know, but they're actually pretty good.. a soft rock of sorts).

Anyway, here's some stuff that's going on: Bella, my kitten, is happily living in Snow Lake and annoying Peanut like it's no ones business, which I think is great. Dad shows me pictures now and then of them all snuggling into a little sun spot on the floor or sleeping on Mom's slippers, I think it's great the dogs and the kitten get along so well. I miss her though, I don't get to see her often, as she can't live in the apartment because it's not a pet-friendly building. *tear* She's the cutest little thing in the world though, and really mean to losers, which I approve of, lol.

Elisha is hoping to move into a 2-bedroom with me next month, she's starting up at Staples again, something about assistant Manager or something... which is awesome, because she'll be doing really well, and I can be in a bigger apartment, not that mine isn't a good size or anything. I'll like having the company, even if she is horribly messy and I'm a bit of a clean freak now. It'll all work out! Hopefully we can find something pet friendly so that I can have Bella back, I don't like having her so far away, and Mum says she misses me. I got her at 4-weeks, so she got REALLY attached to me because she was taken away from her Mom 2 weeks too young. But eh, who wouldn't get attached, I'm overly cuddly as it is! Haha.

Work is good. Stressful, but good. We're now INCREDIBLY short staffed. The only shifts I'm working all month (and I mean all month, as in at least 15 hours of overtime per paycheck) are nights, which tire me out quickly. I have trouble sleeping during the day, and have tried everything. It's to the point that I get run down and sick, and am considering getting sleeping pills because I can't run a month on 6 hours of sleep a week :(.

I also have a sad update, about Patsy who I had asked people to pray for. The lung cancer isn't curable, and the family is really torn up about it. I can only imagine going from being told I'm cancer free, to finding out that I have cancer spreading to the point there's no treating it, in a week and a half. Completely unfair. It's putting a lot of stress on my friends family, because Patsy and her husband will be living with them until they stop the chemo and she passes away, but it's costly and they're supporting her on their own. It breaks my heart, honestly. Cancer is a terrible thing.

Oh, I also have something all through the same breast I had the tumor taken out of this summer, but I don't have the time to go and get it check out. It is growing and spreading to other places in the breast though, which is definitely not a good sign. I know there is at least one tumor in there right now, which will obviously need to be removed as it hasn't passed like some of the others have. So let's hope this one is benign like the one this summer was, because I don't have the time or the money to be taking time off of work for more surgeries etc. Not to mention that we're too short for me to be able to take the time off for even a minor surgery (say like 2 weeks or so) without having a horrible effect on the few staff we have here, as they'd have to cover my shifts. That's what I meant by work being stressful, there isn't enough staff to cover the shifts, and we're scrambling to find time. I go from doing 7-8 straight night shifts (we're never supposed to do more than 4) to dayshifts the following day (ie: I'm done a night shift at 9am, and back here at either 2-3pm until 11pm). I'm getting run down, but trying to keep it together... please pray that I can keep up my ridiculous energy, haha, I need it!

Other than that.. well, I don't really have much news, if you thought all I did was work before, it's gotten even worse, lol. The only friend I consistently see these days is Sabrina, and that's because we work together and can grab coffee before or afterwards. I really miss being able to go out and stuff though, hopefully when we get more staff things will go back to normal. I miss seeing people and having hobbies. I haven't even been able to write in months, and THAT stresses me out!!!

Anyway, I miss you guys.
Lots of love and a BIG hug,
Beth

I need to start a prayer chain.

Please pray for my friend's mother in law. She just finished a huge fight with breast cancer, had her breast removed in a painful surgery, and was told that the cancer was entirely gone. After about a week and a half (in which her entire family was VERY relieved and happy with the news) they found what they thought was an infection in her lung.

As this meant she couldn't start her chemotherapy, they checked it out. And it turned out to be lung cancer. Please, PLEASE pray for her. She's a beautiful, strong woman, but after being told it was finished, it was heartbreaking for her to hear this news. Her family is not ready for this, and they're all having a very difficult time.

Please pray that the family finds calm and peace through this, and that the cancer can be treated. Also pray that she's in very little pain through the procedure. The cancer is a level 3 out of 4 invasive. Thank you guys sooo much, pass on the news, and again, PLEASE remember to pray for her. They really need the prayers right now.

Love you guys!

PS: Her name is patsy.

Just thinking I suppose.

I realised last night that I have no idea what I want. I know what sort of things I like, what sort of things make me happy.. what make me sad, what I absolutely cannot stand, and what can give me the willies because it just seems to right. But I have absolutely no idea what I want.

This time last year I had decided I wanted to do some teaching, writing, travelling.. you know, the usual Humanities studying student ideal. But thinking about it, I realised I did NOT want to teach (don't get me wrong, some enjoy it.. I don't.) writing is obviously still such a passion that it can bring me to tears when I'm frustrated with writers block, and I know it always will be... and travelling, yes I want to see the world, but I don't feel it's a necessity right now.

I want to study the classics, basically just dabble in Humanities until I've had my fill, I don't know if I even have the guts to stick to one specific degree (outside of the Italian studies, if I ever get around to it). I'm really indecisive. Maybe that's part of why I don't know what I want anymore? But then, at the same time, I've never felt quite so free as I have in not knowing what I want. It leaves it up to the wind. I might meet someone who'll knock me flat on my ass, and I could fall madly in love and end up a house wife making grilled cheese sandwiches and reading the paper. Or I could stay single forever, do some writing, have the occasional fun date, and just enjoy the time I get to spend in the now.

It's something I'm coming to like, the now.

It's scary too though, not having any idea. Any plans. I used to try and plan out my future like I would a grocery list. Things I'd see, things I'd do, people I'd keep and ones I wouldn't mind letting fall aside. But I don't think that's even living... that's just planning for a future that'll bend and shape itself no matter WHAT you've written down. Haha, it's so strange.

For all I know, I may very well try to go zorbing down some giant hill, end up a quadrapoligic in the very house I work in right now, lol. Or a flaming homo, haha. Gosh, wouldn't THAT be interesting!

Anyway, that's just what's been going through my head lately. I can't decide if I'm fully happy with it or not, but it feels nice to just be out with it. Not the flaming homo thing, I'm not being out about that, hahaha.. but the freedom of being fine with having absolutely no clue, or care, about what's coming. But no matter what, I'll keep you posted :).

Much love,
Beth

Winter Depression anyone?

I admit it, I'm a firm believer in winter depression. The "Winter Blah" whatever you call it. Some say it doesn't happen. Let me tell you, those people undeniably live in places like Florida, or Costa Rica, where it's sunny and warm, and the muscular men can walk around topless all they want, without the terrible blackening effects of frostbite. For those of us living in Thompson, it's inevitable. The weather is shitty, and so is my mood.

Then again, it may also be the small but continuously piling changes that I now call my current life. Honestly, a year ago today, life was so much simpler! Now don't get me wrong, I adore life as I currently know it, but dang, it's gotten strange. Living on my own I've become lonely. I've now solved that problem, but can't technically talk about it on here (ask me if you dare, muahaha, but be prepared to keep a BIG secret!). And I'm outrageously hooked on coffee, lol. It gets me through life, my little cup of happiness. Mmm..

So yesterday was awful, I woke up around 4am, and was throwing up.. not just the usual "ooh I feel sick, I'm going to get sick once or twice" but to the point that I was passing out on the floor, and waking up still givin' er. I actually caught myself choking once or twice. It really was awful. I had to call in sick, for the first time yet, at work, and I felt terrible. Someone from work came by to take me to the hospital, and she said I was green. I thought maybe she meant in a sexy martian type of way, but judging by the disgusted looks of the other people in the waiting room, I'm guessing maybe not. That and the fact that there were open seats beside and around me, yet perfect strangers took to eachothers laps rather than take up the ever so infectious air around me, lol. Jerks! I needed love, not a quarantine!

However, I waited -I believe it was 4.5 hours to be precise- in the smelly room for the doctor, and when I finally got there, he asked me what I had eaten (I didn't dare tell him it was food I made for myself, go figure) and he said I probably had food poisoning. Hmph. Violently ill, and on top of if I'm a terrible cook! But he gave me gravol and told me to stay in bed for two days. So I took the pills, fell asleep, and am back to work today. Feeling sore, too weak to open doors on my own (embarassing, yes) but making mula all the same! Hurrah! Can't hold me down baby!

Anyway, I'm sorry that my life is so boring these days. Honestly, all I ever do is work. I hang out with people from work. Well, a person and her adorable daughter. And occasionally Debbie, if we can catch lunch around the same time. I really need to get my life back in order. I'm such a hermit! On the plus side, I've read about 8 decent books this month alone, and have once again perfected the art of a) the perfect bubble bath.. a loner's delight, and b) the french manicure for my toes. So at least I'm a wonderful smelling and decently pampered and pretty toe-d hermit!

I also have another thing to admit. I smoke. Ack, I said it! I don't do it constantly, it all started because I was bored, and everyone at work does it. And it was originally only the little flavored ones, but I've graduated to actual cigarettes. I'm terrible. But I'm not hooked, I still get the head rushes and feel gross. It's just a way to pass time. And besides, if I do it with a little glass of wine, I feel like those cool writers with their black and white profile shots on the back of pretty novels. I'm such a nut case. Oh well.

PS: I'm so in love with my little apartment, as un-decorated as it still is.. that I'm tempted to NOT have elisha move in with me and into a two-bedroom apartment, and just continue with my boring little one-bedroomed life. Thoughts?

Oh men...

Alright, so needless to say, abs ended up being a bit of a flop. Sure he had the kind of stomach one finds in Calvin Klein underwear commercials, and yes, he makes a lot of money and has cute guinea pigs. But he was majorly lacking in a few other things, a) control over his party lifestyle, like really, cocaine? b) literacy - he thought tactile meant he worked with tiles, puh-lease, and c) maturity. Needless to say, he'll be a great friend, but I couldn't ever be with him. Being stuck in a highschool mindset is not my thing.

Apparently I've charmed another older guy though. I met "S" at a friend's house party, and although he's 31 (I think, I might be off by a year, lol) he thought I was sweet and also quite smart despite being so much younger than him. Now he's interested and trying to get my number, lol. I doubt much of anything would happen with S though, because that's a pretty intense age difference, and even though I like older guys, I barely know him. Mind you, we're friends with the same people, so given some time, who knows?

I've successfully gotten rid of the Calm air guy, he doesn't bother me anymore, which is nice, though there is still a girl trying to get me to date her. Despite my continually pointing out how much I ADORE men. Ugh, lol. Go figure when I'm really not looking anymore, I suddenly get put on the radar. Maybe it's a mental thing that sends off signals "I'm not intersted... therefore I'm sexy."

Anyway, I'm in the apartment, which while I love it, can be a tad lonely now and then. So I think I'll get a little pet sometime. I'm not entirely sure what, but it'd be nice to have a little companion. Maybe I'll get a live in, lol. "Hey you, yeah you, the hot one, wanna come live with me? All I ask is you cook for me, and give me intelligent conversation!" Haha, if only.

Work has been getting a little bit overwhelming, which is why it'll be nice to go down to the cabin-home for a few days. 3 years and over a million dollars later, my family has pretty much finished it! Mind you some of the finer details aren't done, but the house itself is, and we're moved in, and it's liveable! Too bad I don't get to enjoy it, haha. Oh life. But I'm thinking a few days with the lake, skidoo, maybe some ice fishing, and sitting by our enormous fireplace will be awesome, not to mention just seeing the family and having some wine and good suppers. I'm excited. Though I'm definitely going to miss a few people around here, lol.

Anyway, I hope this was a decent enough blog *cough CLAIRE* and I'm sure I'll post again while I'm at the cabin. I love you all, BIIIG hug!

Beth