I have to admit that I've had a terrible week.
To begin, on Tuesday I found out that someone hacked into my hotmail account and deleted my book, Amnesin. Those of you that I've let in on it know I've been working on it for 6 and a half years. Thousands of pages, countless hours of work, hundreds of dollars, but it was finally coming together. I had been picked up by a great publisher, and believe it or not, was going to be doing pre-release signings this summer and on the shelves by next Christmas. I was going to be published.
Now you're probably thinking "you can get the book back silly." but I can't. I had 3 "safety" copies. One on my dad's computer, which was re-formatted recently and only his work files were saved (my book was deleted). One on my laptop, which recently crashed and I wasn't able to save anything from it. I know how to do things like that, and after a month of trying daily, I spent about $600 at different places, only to be told every time that they couldn't get to the files, and that everything was lost. But I still had my copy on my email. Until someone hacked it and deleted it.
I have trouble explaining what this means to me, but essentially, I may have just seen my writing career go out the window, overnight. There's no way to get it back, I tried tracing the email, etc. But the person that hacked it knew what they were doing, and deleted anything that I could use to find out who it went to, or where it was sent, or even to get it back after it was deleted.
I'm so broken over this, because this book meant everything to me. Not only have I poured everything into it, but it was finally showing my family that this was something I really could do, that I had the talent, and that it wasn't a waste for me to follow this dream. Now I have nothing, will be dropped by the publishers, and feel depressed beyond anything you could imagine. I spent more than a quarter of my life on this, only to watch it be snatched away from me. I cried for about 2 days straight, and now I'm just in shock. I can't even get angry, I'm too heartbroken and sad. I don't understand why someone would do this to me.
Also, work was finally working out, we were going back to a normal rotation, so I'd be off night shifts. But someone quit, and now I'm doing the nights for another month, or so it appears right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been doing crazy overtime for almost 4 months now, and it's getting harder and harder. I don't sleep properly, I don't eat properly, my friends don't talk to me anymore, and I'm just depressed. I wont lie, I've considered going to see a councellor or something, because my head is messed up. I love this job, and they're completely dependent on me right now, and I can't leave or take time off, because the house may very well get shut down if I do. That adds an indescribable amount of pressure to my already aching head. I just can't do all of this anymore. But there's nothing I can do about it.
I was supposed to be able to go and see my family for the day on Friday, but now I've been given more night shifts and can't. Mom is so upset, I think she thinks I'm using work as an excuse to not have to see her. But I've only spent a full day with them once since September, and I miss them so much. Especially now. All I want is to sit on the couch with her or Dad and bawl my eyes out like a teen. I know I'm an adult and responsible, but we're allowed to cry. But god, I don't even have the time for that right now.
I also have another mass in my breast. This one has spread and is causing me pain, I really need to go get it checked and then taken out. The pain and the fact that it's spreading is a REALLY bad sign, as it points directly to cancer. But go figure, I don't have the ****ing time to go and see a doctor.
Guys, I need prayer, or better yet, a hug, or... god I don't know. Just put me into a coma for a month. Anything. I'm in such a bad frame of mind right now, and I just need to get away. But I can't.
Thanks for reading, if by chance you did. I miss you guys.
Beth
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Winnipeg! The land of perpetual warmth and smog :)
I loved my trip. That is all.
Just kidding! That's far from all, I'm going to take you through the whole thing!
So I just made it to the bus, apparently they board at 9:45 instead of at 10pm like I thought, whoopsie, but I got a good seat all the same and settled in with my music. The entire ride, and yes I do mean from when we sat in the seats at 10pm until 7:05am the next day, three little demon babies decided to take turns crying. Normally I'll sit there and coo about how cute they are. But they weren't even cute. They were hideous little screamers that smelt awful and were able to drown out my music. That's some serious lung power, up-and-coming opera singers? Yes, yes they are.
Anyway, I gratefully scuttled off of the bus, grabbed my stuff, and had a quick smoke before realizing I should probably text Chaley to tell her I'm there. Then I waited a few minutes and had a biiig reunion with Chaley (i.e: there was much hugging and exchanging of pleasantries, and of course throwing candy to children, jk) and she took me to the campus. I dropped off my stuff, had some coffee, and then we headed out to do shopping (it was almost 9am at this point, I waste no time when it comes to shopping, you already know this).
We were at the mall until about 5-something that evening. And yes, I took the time to admire EVERY cute boy I saw. I live in Thompson, I deserved the eye candy after months of fasting from all things decently good looking.
That night we went with Chaley's fella to a random house for some spaghetti and games. It just so happened the random house actually belonged to the BUgirl crew! One of whom I went to school with in Briercrest! -she didn't recognise me, but that's not the point- and we hung out and played dirty card games. They weren't supposed to be dirty, but I was playing, so naturally things took a shift to the dark side. Many a joke about immigrant weddings and awkward grannies were soon to follow!
The next day, I woke up bright and early (only to find out that Chaley likes to sleep, hmph.) so I got up and wandered around the apartment in circles until she got up and went across the street for coffee -YAY-. It was around then that I called to see if Josh was coming to the city from Brandon at all, and HE WAS ON HIS WAY! This was big. It was amazing, it was like a meteor about to crush earth, but that's bad and his coming was good. So I guess that made no sense whatsoever. Oh well.
Anyway, he decided I should go and stay with him that night and hang out there for St. Pattys and do some serious partying, which of course I agreed to on the spot (yay, Josh sleepovers!). So he and I went back to the mall (not wanting to waste even a half hour's shopping time) and then we headed to Brandon. It was great. I completely messed up my wrist that night, and have no idea how. He and I had long since fallen asleep on his bed, when we awoke to a huge group of people coming into his place (apparently his friend brought a party home, but then ditched) so we woke up (without thinking I went out in his pj bottoms... awkward!) and we partied for another few hours. It was pretty much the greatest.
I got up a little bit before him when his friends decided to come into his room and make icky jokes about our being in bed together (it's Josh, perfectly innocent, I swear, I turned down the advances, lol) and then they went back out to get high for the millionth time that day (they were still partying when we got up in the morning.. hardcores, yuck.) so Josh got up for class, and I hung out and spooned with random strangers for a few hours until he came back. Then I hopped onto the bus after hugging him until his eyes bled, and went back to the Peg.
From there there was a lot of sushi eating (deeeelicious), university snooping (guess who got to meet the teachers and chat up Lloyd Axworthy? Yeah that's right, me, he offered me admission.. woo hoo, too bad I don't wanna, lol) and then Chaley and I got done up and went out to a club where a cool band (Bend Sinister, they're great) were playing.
Needless to say I loved the music and zoned into it as Chaley and her fella kissed the night away. But afterwards when the shows were done, I went and was talking to the Bend Sinister band, and the lead singer and I got into a talk about thompson winter roads (apparently he finds them fascinating.. sign number one that I probably shouldn't continue the conversation, but oh well) and about an hour later (after he had gotten me another drink and such) he offered to walk me to the door, AND KISSED ME!
Yup, I've kissed the lead singer of a band on tv. I'm a groupie whore, oh dang. However, I must say, for a guy who likes winter roads more than the average person (aka a bit of a weirdo) he was a fantastic kisser! This continued until Chaley walked in on us -whoopsie- so I had to take off. It was a random time, but a fun time.
The next day I was hungover.
I did more shopping (of course) and met up with Cory and Tiff from camp, and we walked around and listened to Cory's awkward poop story (it's on facebook, you should read it, fantastic) and laughed for a while, until I went back to Chaley's place, and fell asleep. Then I took the bus home. And man, that's a story in itself!!!
They apparently now have security checks for the buses (so no one gets their heads lopped off, thank you Vince Lee... I still think his not going to prison is BS, even if the gangs would kill him within the week...) and I had to empty my pockets, and explain every little thing in my backpack. When the guy asked if I had a fork or anything, I explained I had chopsticks for my sushi (can ya tell I love it?) but that I wasn't intending to stab anything other than said sushi with my chopsticks. He thought it was hilarious, but I was being quite serious... I needed those chopsticks! Then I had to go through a metal scan, and the dude kept going over my crotch region (hello, I have a zipper, not a giant knife shoved up my woo-hoo... it's not that uncommon buddy, zippers happen) and finally let me go. I got on the bus, and go figure, more crying babies.
I didn't sleep, but got to Thompson and was welcomed by a lot of blustery snow and bitter weather. After sunny Winnipeg, I wasn't impressed.
Anyway, that's my trip! Now I'm back to mundane night shifts and apartment living. But I have wicked cool hot pink sunglasses, and some cool outfits that other Thompsonites don't have. So life is grand.
Love you all!
Just kidding! That's far from all, I'm going to take you through the whole thing!
So I just made it to the bus, apparently they board at 9:45 instead of at 10pm like I thought, whoopsie, but I got a good seat all the same and settled in with my music. The entire ride, and yes I do mean from when we sat in the seats at 10pm until 7:05am the next day, three little demon babies decided to take turns crying. Normally I'll sit there and coo about how cute they are. But they weren't even cute. They were hideous little screamers that smelt awful and were able to drown out my music. That's some serious lung power, up-and-coming opera singers? Yes, yes they are.
Anyway, I gratefully scuttled off of the bus, grabbed my stuff, and had a quick smoke before realizing I should probably text Chaley to tell her I'm there. Then I waited a few minutes and had a biiig reunion with Chaley (i.e: there was much hugging and exchanging of pleasantries, and of course throwing candy to children, jk) and she took me to the campus. I dropped off my stuff, had some coffee, and then we headed out to do shopping (it was almost 9am at this point, I waste no time when it comes to shopping, you already know this).
We were at the mall until about 5-something that evening. And yes, I took the time to admire EVERY cute boy I saw. I live in Thompson, I deserved the eye candy after months of fasting from all things decently good looking.
That night we went with Chaley's fella to a random house for some spaghetti and games. It just so happened the random house actually belonged to the BUgirl crew! One of whom I went to school with in Briercrest! -she didn't recognise me, but that's not the point- and we hung out and played dirty card games. They weren't supposed to be dirty, but I was playing, so naturally things took a shift to the dark side. Many a joke about immigrant weddings and awkward grannies were soon to follow!
The next day, I woke up bright and early (only to find out that Chaley likes to sleep, hmph.) so I got up and wandered around the apartment in circles until she got up and went across the street for coffee -YAY-. It was around then that I called to see if Josh was coming to the city from Brandon at all, and HE WAS ON HIS WAY! This was big. It was amazing, it was like a meteor about to crush earth, but that's bad and his coming was good. So I guess that made no sense whatsoever. Oh well.
Anyway, he decided I should go and stay with him that night and hang out there for St. Pattys and do some serious partying, which of course I agreed to on the spot (yay, Josh sleepovers!). So he and I went back to the mall (not wanting to waste even a half hour's shopping time) and then we headed to Brandon. It was great. I completely messed up my wrist that night, and have no idea how. He and I had long since fallen asleep on his bed, when we awoke to a huge group of people coming into his place (apparently his friend brought a party home, but then ditched) so we woke up (without thinking I went out in his pj bottoms... awkward!) and we partied for another few hours. It was pretty much the greatest.
I got up a little bit before him when his friends decided to come into his room and make icky jokes about our being in bed together (it's Josh, perfectly innocent, I swear, I turned down the advances, lol) and then they went back out to get high for the millionth time that day (they were still partying when we got up in the morning.. hardcores, yuck.) so Josh got up for class, and I hung out and spooned with random strangers for a few hours until he came back. Then I hopped onto the bus after hugging him until his eyes bled, and went back to the Peg.
From there there was a lot of sushi eating (deeeelicious), university snooping (guess who got to meet the teachers and chat up Lloyd Axworthy? Yeah that's right, me, he offered me admission.. woo hoo, too bad I don't wanna, lol) and then Chaley and I got done up and went out to a club where a cool band (Bend Sinister, they're great) were playing.
Needless to say I loved the music and zoned into it as Chaley and her fella kissed the night away. But afterwards when the shows were done, I went and was talking to the Bend Sinister band, and the lead singer and I got into a talk about thompson winter roads (apparently he finds them fascinating.. sign number one that I probably shouldn't continue the conversation, but oh well) and about an hour later (after he had gotten me another drink and such) he offered to walk me to the door, AND KISSED ME!
Yup, I've kissed the lead singer of a band on tv. I'm a groupie whore, oh dang. However, I must say, for a guy who likes winter roads more than the average person (aka a bit of a weirdo) he was a fantastic kisser! This continued until Chaley walked in on us -whoopsie- so I had to take off. It was a random time, but a fun time.
The next day I was hungover.
I did more shopping (of course) and met up with Cory and Tiff from camp, and we walked around and listened to Cory's awkward poop story (it's on facebook, you should read it, fantastic) and laughed for a while, until I went back to Chaley's place, and fell asleep. Then I took the bus home. And man, that's a story in itself!!!
They apparently now have security checks for the buses (so no one gets their heads lopped off, thank you Vince Lee... I still think his not going to prison is BS, even if the gangs would kill him within the week...) and I had to empty my pockets, and explain every little thing in my backpack. When the guy asked if I had a fork or anything, I explained I had chopsticks for my sushi (can ya tell I love it?) but that I wasn't intending to stab anything other than said sushi with my chopsticks. He thought it was hilarious, but I was being quite serious... I needed those chopsticks! Then I had to go through a metal scan, and the dude kept going over my crotch region (hello, I have a zipper, not a giant knife shoved up my woo-hoo... it's not that uncommon buddy, zippers happen) and finally let me go. I got on the bus, and go figure, more crying babies.
I didn't sleep, but got to Thompson and was welcomed by a lot of blustery snow and bitter weather. After sunny Winnipeg, I wasn't impressed.
Anyway, that's my trip! Now I'm back to mundane night shifts and apartment living. But I have wicked cool hot pink sunglasses, and some cool outfits that other Thompsonites don't have. So life is grand.
Love you all!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Because I don't feel like being tardy..
So, I'm going to Winnipeg tonight!
I'm so bloody excited for the trip, it's ridiculous. Staying at a friend's flat, pub crawling on St. Patties, Josh might be coming in (which would put me through the roof, I've missed that guy for sooo long now), and of course... shopping! SHOPPING! The shoes, the hot store clerks, the feel of cashmere sweaters.. *sigh* life is sweet.
Unfortunately I have a long dirty bus ride before I go. Not so fun, but eh, so long as I'm not the next random victim be-headed, I'm happy!
I can also fit my hair into pig tails again, it's slowly growing out! Oh boy!
Anyway, I'll update you all another time. Sabrina sucks.
I'm so bloody excited for the trip, it's ridiculous. Staying at a friend's flat, pub crawling on St. Patties, Josh might be coming in (which would put me through the roof, I've missed that guy for sooo long now), and of course... shopping! SHOPPING! The shoes, the hot store clerks, the feel of cashmere sweaters.. *sigh* life is sweet.
Unfortunately I have a long dirty bus ride before I go. Not so fun, but eh, so long as I'm not the next random victim be-headed, I'm happy!
I can also fit my hair into pig tails again, it's slowly growing out! Oh boy!
Anyway, I'll update you all another time. Sabrina sucks.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Hello Again :o)
Sorry I haven't updated in so long, it honestly feels like time flies sometimes! Just a month or so ago it was like a week could have been a year... and now, it's going by like crazy! Not that I mind, I'm going to Winnipeg in about a week and a half, and I can't wait. I'll get to see Chaley, I'm going for lunch with her and The president of the UofW (who is also the ex-Minister of Foreign Affairs in Canada, cool eh?) and I think it'll be a great time. I even get to see Bend Sinister live (they sound like a grunge rock band, I know, but they're actually pretty good.. a soft rock of sorts).
Anyway, here's some stuff that's going on: Bella, my kitten, is happily living in Snow Lake and annoying Peanut like it's no ones business, which I think is great. Dad shows me pictures now and then of them all snuggling into a little sun spot on the floor or sleeping on Mom's slippers, I think it's great the dogs and the kitten get along so well. I miss her though, I don't get to see her often, as she can't live in the apartment because it's not a pet-friendly building. *tear* She's the cutest little thing in the world though, and really mean to losers, which I approve of, lol.
Elisha is hoping to move into a 2-bedroom with me next month, she's starting up at Staples again, something about assistant Manager or something... which is awesome, because she'll be doing really well, and I can be in a bigger apartment, not that mine isn't a good size or anything. I'll like having the company, even if she is horribly messy and I'm a bit of a clean freak now. It'll all work out! Hopefully we can find something pet friendly so that I can have Bella back, I don't like having her so far away, and Mum says she misses me. I got her at 4-weeks, so she got REALLY attached to me because she was taken away from her Mom 2 weeks too young. But eh, who wouldn't get attached, I'm overly cuddly as it is! Haha.
Work is good. Stressful, but good. We're now INCREDIBLY short staffed. The only shifts I'm working all month (and I mean all month, as in at least 15 hours of overtime per paycheck) are nights, which tire me out quickly. I have trouble sleeping during the day, and have tried everything. It's to the point that I get run down and sick, and am considering getting sleeping pills because I can't run a month on 6 hours of sleep a week :(.
I also have a sad update, about Patsy who I had asked people to pray for. The lung cancer isn't curable, and the family is really torn up about it. I can only imagine going from being told I'm cancer free, to finding out that I have cancer spreading to the point there's no treating it, in a week and a half. Completely unfair. It's putting a lot of stress on my friends family, because Patsy and her husband will be living with them until they stop the chemo and she passes away, but it's costly and they're supporting her on their own. It breaks my heart, honestly. Cancer is a terrible thing.
Oh, I also have something all through the same breast I had the tumor taken out of this summer, but I don't have the time to go and get it check out. It is growing and spreading to other places in the breast though, which is definitely not a good sign. I know there is at least one tumor in there right now, which will obviously need to be removed as it hasn't passed like some of the others have. So let's hope this one is benign like the one this summer was, because I don't have the time or the money to be taking time off of work for more surgeries etc. Not to mention that we're too short for me to be able to take the time off for even a minor surgery (say like 2 weeks or so) without having a horrible effect on the few staff we have here, as they'd have to cover my shifts. That's what I meant by work being stressful, there isn't enough staff to cover the shifts, and we're scrambling to find time. I go from doing 7-8 straight night shifts (we're never supposed to do more than 4) to dayshifts the following day (ie: I'm done a night shift at 9am, and back here at either 2-3pm until 11pm). I'm getting run down, but trying to keep it together... please pray that I can keep up my ridiculous energy, haha, I need it!
Other than that.. well, I don't really have much news, if you thought all I did was work before, it's gotten even worse, lol. The only friend I consistently see these days is Sabrina, and that's because we work together and can grab coffee before or afterwards. I really miss being able to go out and stuff though, hopefully when we get more staff things will go back to normal. I miss seeing people and having hobbies. I haven't even been able to write in months, and THAT stresses me out!!!
Anyway, I miss you guys.
Lots of love and a BIG hug,
Beth
Anyway, here's some stuff that's going on: Bella, my kitten, is happily living in Snow Lake and annoying Peanut like it's no ones business, which I think is great. Dad shows me pictures now and then of them all snuggling into a little sun spot on the floor or sleeping on Mom's slippers, I think it's great the dogs and the kitten get along so well. I miss her though, I don't get to see her often, as she can't live in the apartment because it's not a pet-friendly building. *tear* She's the cutest little thing in the world though, and really mean to losers, which I approve of, lol.
Elisha is hoping to move into a 2-bedroom with me next month, she's starting up at Staples again, something about assistant Manager or something... which is awesome, because she'll be doing really well, and I can be in a bigger apartment, not that mine isn't a good size or anything. I'll like having the company, even if she is horribly messy and I'm a bit of a clean freak now. It'll all work out! Hopefully we can find something pet friendly so that I can have Bella back, I don't like having her so far away, and Mum says she misses me. I got her at 4-weeks, so she got REALLY attached to me because she was taken away from her Mom 2 weeks too young. But eh, who wouldn't get attached, I'm overly cuddly as it is! Haha.
Work is good. Stressful, but good. We're now INCREDIBLY short staffed. The only shifts I'm working all month (and I mean all month, as in at least 15 hours of overtime per paycheck) are nights, which tire me out quickly. I have trouble sleeping during the day, and have tried everything. It's to the point that I get run down and sick, and am considering getting sleeping pills because I can't run a month on 6 hours of sleep a week :(.
I also have a sad update, about Patsy who I had asked people to pray for. The lung cancer isn't curable, and the family is really torn up about it. I can only imagine going from being told I'm cancer free, to finding out that I have cancer spreading to the point there's no treating it, in a week and a half. Completely unfair. It's putting a lot of stress on my friends family, because Patsy and her husband will be living with them until they stop the chemo and she passes away, but it's costly and they're supporting her on their own. It breaks my heart, honestly. Cancer is a terrible thing.
Oh, I also have something all through the same breast I had the tumor taken out of this summer, but I don't have the time to go and get it check out. It is growing and spreading to other places in the breast though, which is definitely not a good sign. I know there is at least one tumor in there right now, which will obviously need to be removed as it hasn't passed like some of the others have. So let's hope this one is benign like the one this summer was, because I don't have the time or the money to be taking time off of work for more surgeries etc. Not to mention that we're too short for me to be able to take the time off for even a minor surgery (say like 2 weeks or so) without having a horrible effect on the few staff we have here, as they'd have to cover my shifts. That's what I meant by work being stressful, there isn't enough staff to cover the shifts, and we're scrambling to find time. I go from doing 7-8 straight night shifts (we're never supposed to do more than 4) to dayshifts the following day (ie: I'm done a night shift at 9am, and back here at either 2-3pm until 11pm). I'm getting run down, but trying to keep it together... please pray that I can keep up my ridiculous energy, haha, I need it!
Other than that.. well, I don't really have much news, if you thought all I did was work before, it's gotten even worse, lol. The only friend I consistently see these days is Sabrina, and that's because we work together and can grab coffee before or afterwards. I really miss being able to go out and stuff though, hopefully when we get more staff things will go back to normal. I miss seeing people and having hobbies. I haven't even been able to write in months, and THAT stresses me out!!!
Anyway, I miss you guys.
Lots of love and a BIG hug,
Beth
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