Kind of confused::

I'm starting to realise that I might not have made the best choices in friends when coming to this school. Like, I have nothing against the people I spend time with, but I've been noticing some bad habits I have that have gotten worse since coming here. I find myself swearing occasionally, and not just little things like "nice ass", but actual swears. I find myself making sexual jokes more often, or them being more crude than usual. I find myself constantly distracted from the things I SHOULD be doing, and instead sitting around talking about random, meaningless things, or watching stupid movies, etc. I want to have friends here that want to see me grow. And who not only say it, but act on it. Friends who'll push me, and keep me accountable, and actually, I dunno, be an example to me, and inspire me to be an example to them!

There are some girls who I've gotten to know who just blow my mind. They LOVE God, they want to see me LOVE God, and they don't just want to talk about boys and such (though we do that too), they want to have meaningful conversations, something I've really been missing lately.

But how do I make the transition away from the people I feel are pushing me backwards? I still want to be friends, and spend time with them, but I don't want to be around them so often that I allow myself to lose focus. In fact, I want to be able to spend time on my own, completely by myself, to do things on my own. I don't need a bloody sidekick. Yes people, there ARE days when I don't want to spoon, or be petted, or anything. Hello, introvert. Aka, I need my space now and then or I honestly will break down. Such as now. I'm insane. That's right folks, I'm going crazy, anyone along for the ride?

I'm sick of my roomy being here 24/7 and always finding something wrong. Like honestly, shut up. It's really hard to love someone who is just a bother all the time. Ugh... I feel so awful saying that. I take it back, she's really sweet.

You know what, I think I need to go read. Please comment, I'm lonely.

... thinking again.

You know, I tend to think myself into corners a lot. I find that it happens when you question things, or think more deeply into things than it's needed, but I can't help it, what would life be without contemplation? Whether it's "this pasta has more starch in it than is needed, and so it's grossly chewy", or something deeper such as "why do I need a savior" <-- trust me, if you want to be lead in horrible circles by your own reasoning, that's a good one to go for. I was asked that early LAST semester and have yet to come up with a satisfactory answer. I know there is one though, there has to be.

I'm thinking about meditation. I used to enjoy it, and did it occasionally last year, and I found that it really was a great thing. You calm yourself down, can de-stress, prepare yourself for prayer, anything really. It was a great start and finish to my day. Yet now when I think about it, because meditation (in the way that I do it, sitting there, picturing something or thinking about a specific thing) and just emptying everything else out, is that not the same as the meditation used in religions like buddhism? I'm worried about doing something, or integrating something that I shouldn't without realising it. But then I wonder if it might be alright to do, if I'm thinking about a faith based topic, or doing it in a way to analyze myself and see what things I need to work on to deepen my faith?

Bah, I hate this side of myself. Actually, I quite adore it, and strongly hope that I can bring it out more, but again, it's strange. Only weirdo-guys wearing thick rimmed glasses, tight flood pants and pashminas do things like this (just kidding). I'm not sure. These are just some thoughts floating through my head at the moment. I really do love contemplation though, and questioning, thinking... they all flow so well into meditation, maybe that's why I enjoy it?

However, this isn't updating you all at all... then again, I don't have much of an update at the moment, haha. I'm somewhat behind on my reading, even though I do it daily, and so I need to catch up on that by amping it up a tad. I need to begin my papers so as not to be swamped to the point of suffocation when they begin piling up for the tougher months, I want to work on my prayer/scripture life... and um... well, that's about all I've had time to do lately! Sorry I'm such a bore folks, but that's TESOL life! I promise to start updating more regularily though, maybe even several times a week, we'll see how the workload evens out!

Reasons not to watch scary/demonic movies alone in a dark dorm room:

Firstly, if you hadn't previously thought to allow yourself a "pee break" prior to the movie, you'll find yourself dribbling in jump scenes (no worries, I remembered a pee break).

Secondly, the Devil will no doubt find it hilarious to plague you non-stop with scary things that will cause you to jump and squeal, and no doubt, have a dribbling replay.

Thirdly, they're scary.

However, they give wonderful excuses to cuddle/spoon with the lovely friend from down the hall, hurrah! Unfortunately, that friend is currently cleaning her room, hence my being on here. Yay. Not. But eh, updates anyone?

I'm working on the final design for my tattoo, which is really quite fun. I can't believe that this is the year. Claire, when you get back, I'll have a tattoo! Carolynn, the next time I see you, I'll have a tattoo! Tattoo, it's fun even just to say it! I feel so rebellious, except that I'm sure my Mom will enjoy it, and I'll "savour the flavour" of Dad's jaw dropping in shock and agony. Oh yes, life is sweet.

Anyhow, I don't really have much else to say, classes have me swamped, I did my toenails, and I'm off for a spoon!

Nothing really?

Well, courses start up tomorrow, which is a bit strange, as it feels like I'm on a weekend or something. I guess I should be setting up my binders! Though tomorrow and the day after will be introductions to the class and overvues of the syllabi... but still!

I don't have much else to say though, lol. My friends are back, and life is great!

Lonesome in the Port..

Well, I got here (the school) on the 4th, and it's now the 6th. I'm very much lonesome, and hoping that my friends start pulling up soon! There's really nothing to do, haha, I've cleaned my room, made it messy, and cleaned it over again, done my hair and scarves in various styles, and watched a few movies. Luckily the ever so cute Holly has been around to keep me company, but she also has classes and other friends to preoccupy her... so I'm quite lonely.

I have however had time to work on my book, which was successfully retrieved from the evil broken downstairs computer, and my heart is forever happy. Reading over it, I've surprised myself, there are so many things that I don't even remember writing, it's actually a pretty decent read (and I'm picky!). So that's exciting, but there's a lot of editing to do, and that's given me something to do during the long lonely days of "pre-semester time" here at Briercrest.

Anyhow, other than that.. well.. I guess I could write out my NYR (New year's resolutions) for ya'll...

1. Wake up between 7-7:30 daily, and eat Breakfast.
2. Finish my book
3. Watch what I eat, the caff is the devil.
4. Work hard and consistantly in every class this semester, and no laptopping in class!

That's about it really, other than some God stuff that you guys don't need to know about (unless you're my close friends, in which case, ask away!).

Love ya!
Beth