So many thoughts, I need to write them down..

I just watched Invisible Children, and that movie is so inredibly moving. It reminded me so much of the heart I have for those people, and I have no idea why. Anytime I watch the suffering, it's like there's something inside of me that just wants to break free and go to them. I've always loved holding people, trying to show them that I care for them and love them, yet in this country, in our spoiled and corrupt part of the world, no one needs it. Yet in those places, being held is something that means more than any of us could imagine. Why? Because they aren't held. I just sat through 55 minutes of children 5-14 holding guns, missing limbs, not willing to cry because when they do they're shot... 55 minutes of heart wrenching wickedness... these children have absolutely nothing. What the hell are we doing in Iraq and Iran when all of this is going on? They're building weapons... yet these children are becoming weapons, weapons that no one cares about and that mean nothing to the people using them, they're invisible. It's a genocide.

I'm going into a rant there, and I don't want to, that's not why I post these things. I want to hold those children and tell them that there is hope; that eventually, when our society is done with making sure our backs are still cushioned against little threats against us, that they wont have to worry about having limbs chopped off, or about being told to shoot their family members. I just want to tell them that there is love in this world, even if they aren't shown it. I want to show them the love they've had ripped away from them. Why is this so strong inside of me?! I hate that I have to live in this damn country where no one gives a crap about anyone else. Even when we say we do, we really don't, otherwise the World would be so different. We're selfish pigs, even I'm a selfish pig. I don't deserve what I have.

On another upsetting note, one of my friends almost died. She jumped out of a car so her boyfriend wouldn't kill her. Now she believes there's a God. Does she really? I don't know, but any chance for her to grow closer is an opportunity for me. I've been working on her for so many years, I got her through highschool, even though I'm a province away and see her once every 3-4 years... I wont ever give up on her. She's so broken, it tears me to pieces just to talk to her. Yet I don't like to tell others, because they label her, they don't know her, they have no right, so I wont put her through that, even if she never knows. Fiona, I won't ever give up on you, never.

God is an answer that she needs to understand... everything else falls through for her, every single time. And if I lived there, I would spend every day trying to show her that things can be different, when she's become numb to any difference. That's what happens when indifference is all you meet, it becomes you. I hate that I can't be there. I hate that I can't be in Uganda. Why am I going to some school, sitting through classes, eating huge meals, living a daily life that would be a miracle sized dream for others? God, why couldn't I have been born into a place where people actually feel?

Exam crunch!

I have been so ridiculously busy lately, it's terrible. However, I do have some interesting updates.

Firstly, boy news! I never really have the time or the chance to fully explain things, so here goes: His name is Joel Tosh, he's a firefighter, security guard, hockey player, and so far an amazing Christian as well. We met somewhat randomly (I chased him down after Theo class because I thought he had been talking about someone I knew and was curious), and after that we just slowly got to know eachother more. Last night we had a little bit of a study date under the stairs, he brought the blanket and I brought the hot chocolate and approx. 100 pages of study work (why do I always have to be the bearer of bad news?), anyhow, it was a grand time.

We've talked about dating, and I still want more time to think it over and such, I refuse to rush it, but so far we get along really well, so after Christmas Break I'll have an answer for him. Speaking of Christmas Break.. I'M SO EXCITED! I can't wait to go home and see Claire, Carolynn, Nicole, Becky, Ainsley, everyone! It's going to be so amazing to see everyone and just relax without the insanely huge piles of homework I always seem to have (honestly, I had so much, I wasn't even able to squeeze in a paper worth 35% of my mark... what kind of Bible College is this, I thought I'd be taking it easy!). Lastnight was my third all-nighter in a row, which has taken its toll, as my head is pounding and I slept from 10 until 2:30 without a thought, and will continue to sleep later on.

Anyway, that's my quick update, I'll add more later, as life is slowing down (thank God!). Tchuse!

P.S: I need to think of something cool to do with my hair dye wise, and I can't wait to show the ladies my cute perm!

Update time!

I haven't written in a while, sorry. I've been relatively busy with life in general, between visiting people, trying to cram in last minute papers, reading, and just spending time doing anything that might bring about procrastination, it's been a good time, but tiring.

At the moment I'm in my room, with my room mate, who (though slowly getting better) is really sick, and it's sort of grossing me out, because she's REALLY sick, coughing, nose blowing, sniffling, it's all there... and contagious, ick. There are some days I'd give anything to have a room to myself, but I know that I'm being awful whenever I think that; she can be quite nice.

I'm getting so excited to go home for Christmas, see all of my friends, eat real food, plan out New Years Resolutions, possibly find a skidoo to steal/borrow, see the kids I babysit, and see my family and adorable puppies! I'm also excited to just have a break where I do nothing, don't have to worry about school work, and can sort of relax, maybe do some workouts and stretching (who knew stretching was so relaxing!).

As for a personal update: I'm happy to be pretty much healthy again after my sore throat/runny nose bout, and God wise, well.. I guess I'm just sort of finding a bit of peace. Vulnerability isn't coming easily, and I find myself fighting it more with each step I take toward it (oxymoron much?), but I've been taking small steps, and that's what counts in the end! Maybe I'll get to spend some time with my bible/hear/learn some encouraging things during the Staff Reunion at Kristin's house!

P.S: I'm still in a "I want to be someone's special someone" frame of mind, I really just need a good cuddling session over a book or something. Cuddle anyone?

A few piccies?

I decided to try and include a few more recent pictures of myself and one of the girls here. As we were driving to McDonalds for a late night snack (we also hit up Tim Hortons for a Mocha.. yum!) we realised that one of her friends had left a camera in her car, so OF COURSE we ambushed it and decided to snapshot our souls away... it was a good time, so have at'er!

blowing kisses (I dont know why it got all screwy like that!)

just being unsafe drivers (and in my case handicapped)

Yay for fatty foods!

Yeah, its going to look all funny and scattered, but it was my first try! Yay for firsts..ish.

One Chance

Writhing, seeking after a light that doesn't seem to exist..
A dancing hope, about to go out.
How long can I play along to this dance?
Throwing myself forwards, letting this rhythm take hold;
I don't care much, but it means everything to me.
This concept, this idea... this life.
As I watch from the shadows, kept apart from their light,
I see everything I could ever dream of:
They're all so happy, so carefree, yet so caring and cared for.
I'm cold, this gooseflesh no longer leaves my skin.
Sometimes I feel as though my heart doesn't even beat anymore,
How can a dead heart beat?
This pressure has created a box around me,
I feel pushed everywhere I go, conformed into a deadly stereotype;
I'm screaming, unaudibly, I'm screaming.
What is there in this life?
Unlock the key to my heart, please!
Just give me a chance, one chance,
One chance to prove that I can feel, that I can love,
That I can live; I hate being dead.

Crisis Point!

Ok, I'm so unmotivated, it's not even funny. My room at home is VERY clean and mostly orderly (except the clothes pile, but we have a laundry shoot, not clothes baskets), and somehow manages to keep me motivated, I think it's the collage border of things I heart. However, here I'm literally going insane.

My room is a mess, and I don't want to clean it. I have SO many assignments, and I don't want to do them. I have mail to send, and I don't want to send it. And worse yet, I can't sleep anymore. No matter how hard I try, I can't fall asleep. Ugh.

I don't know what's going on, but I have to snap out of it. I have 6 big assignments in the next 2 weeks that I have to do, and do well. I HAVE to mail out my medical forms or I can say bye bye to my medical coverage AND to my specialist appointments (and dang do I need them, I don't know what's going on, but I'm sick right now.. and not in a flu type of way), and my roomy is OCD meaning I have to clean for her sanity.

However, I'm bloody pissed at the world at the same time! How awful am I for being incredibly and uncontrollably sick of my room mate? I honestly wouldn't blink twice at the moment if she disappeared. I'm the worst person in the world. But she doesn't do.. well.. anything, but in strange ways. She's everywhere I go, and has the most annoying habits. I think she's the opposite of my myars briggs, I really do. Ainsley would understand. But anyone I have to rant about her to, KNOWS HER. I wonder why, anyone I hang out with, she involves herself with. God forbid we have a few seperate friends, nevermind a few seperate HOURS. She's just so akward, I hate akward people... so unsure about everything, and just akward even in the way they move and talk. Who the heck doesn't know how to hug properly, she looks like a friggen hunchback any time she tries!

And now she keeps talking about wanting to get a hoodie like this and that.. are you kidding me?! I wear skate brands because I used to skate, aka, I'm not a poser. She's a preppy little thing, she'd throw off the entire style she's spent years perfecting if she started to dress like me. Bloody hell, I want to punch a wall, but I'd break my friggen hand. I'm so angry right now. My eyes are green again, ugh.

Ok, I'm done ranting for now. If Ainsley ever finds/reads this, tell me what your secret body hiding place was for your dead roomy. Please.

Wondering about God..

So I'm supposed to just break down, after so many years of holding myself up, standing on my own, and never being vulnerable. When as a child you go to someone to be comforted, or to just be vulnerable and held, and they aren't there, it leaves a lasting impression. I am strong. But am I strong enough? I always have been... but everyone tells me that's not good enough, that I wont be able to last, that I need to give it up to God.

What if he wants me to be strong? I have people that rely on me, that need me to stay strong. Who cares if I don't cry? The last month I've cried more than I have in years, but I don't feel good about it; I hate it. I mean, sometimes the release is good, but then I look around and see these girls/guys that take it too far, they're entirely dependent, and it's not on God. They just unload and unload and unload, and it's entirely on the wrong person. What if I became like that? I'd turn into something I'm totally against, and I'm afraid to chance it.

But then I think about what I see in people here; this freedom, this joy, this sense of absolute guarantee. They know Him, they know what He does, they understand Him, and I have no idea. I saw someone do something for the first time in my life yesterday, and it was something that (in my mind) proves Him, His power. But I don't know what to make of it, it almost scared me. I've always been so cynical, questioning everything, analyzing ever little bit of this. When I'm supposed to leave it all up to faith. But at the same time, I'm to smart to be duped, I'm unwilling to chance placing my life and well, soul, into something that may not be real. But watching her do that, it scared me, in a great way. I couldn't stop the tears afterwards, because now I know.

But what do I do? How am I supposed to find that release? They always make it sound so easy.. IT'S NOT. I can't just let myself fall, can you possibly imagine the pain, the rejection, the horror I'd feel. I'd never be able to so much as consider a God again, and that's the worst part. So far I've reached out a little bit, I realise now that even when I thought I was, I was never reaching all the way, because of this fear. I know what it's because of, I've reached out before only to be let down, and not softly, I fell hard, and it scarred me. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? Right? I don't know anymore.

I know that I want what they have. I know that... I know, I think I know. I want to have that comfort, that belief that someone there actually cares, understands, wants... and all for me. But at the same time, I've built a life on independence, how do I reverse that? And if I do, would I ever be able to regain the strength I have now? But at the same time, is it strength I harbour now, or is it coldness? I wouldn't say I'm bitter, I know I'm not, I'm far smarter than to hold onto little things and let them overwhelm me... but, I know that I refuse to let them happen again, to restart a process so severe. But I'm fully aware that I'm cold. I can be happy and sweet, but inside, a part of me has been frozen for years, and if it does ever thaw, will there be too much frostbite for it to ever heal?

I'm afraid. Can I even talk to someone about this? It's huge... I don't know if they even care enough, it'd be a huge responsibility. I can carry it on my own, but in order to do this, I have to share. Where the hell would I start? Who? And why am I so afraid...

Larissa's "Experience"

So I'm sitting here typing on my computer in a friend's room, and she's sort of panting. It got louder and louder, and I'm like "alright... whatever" and suddenly she looks over and is like "sorry, I just had an orgasm." Akward? Hot? An akwardly-hot mixture? Haha.

Anyway, I'm dying for some snow, there isn't any here at all, yet at home there are snowbanks, we got 15 cm one night alone, never mind the entire week's worth of snow! I'm going to be doing some heavy duty skidooing when I get home in a few weeks!

Life around here is so boring, but people like to spice it up a bit, such as Larissa (again) who nearly made me yell a few choice words when she decided to shoot at me out of nowhere with a cap gun. Or Amanda, when we did a random photo shoot earlier this year that involved crawling into stinky and leaf filled pipes. It was a good time. I did some leap frog with chairs in the hall too! But still, stuff is settling down, and I'm bored out of my mind!

I'm so sad, but honestly, I really wish I had a boyfriend. I miss being cuddled, and being all girlish and like, feeling like someone's special someone. Plus, there are so many fun things you could do with a boyfriend around here, go for coffee, sit and talk, go for walks (there are cute walking paths) the stars here are ALWAYS amazing, chapels, classes.. you name it. No wonder everyone here gets married, its perfect for romance, if only it wasn't so frowned upon, haha.

Anyhow, I'm off.. later!

Retarded Life.. RETARDED.

Ok, so, first things first. I finally feel like I can handle talking to Jo, and he comes up on MSN and says that God doesn't want him to be friends with me right now. Ouch? But I understand, he needs to get himself right with God, I pulled him off track... I'm the reason he needs to fix himself now. Oopsie.

Man, I have a midterm tomorrow, and oh dang, I haven't started to study. Today's been a pretty awesome day though, between classes (I found out that I'm not that bad at spelling in German, sweet action!), finding out quizzes have been put back by a week and a half, and other such joys.

I can't wait for Christmas. I'm going to do SO much fun stuff, hardcore skidooing (with friends ofcourse), maybe some sledding at the hill, potentially some snowboarding, we'll see. Depending on who's in town when, I'm definitely going to go hang out over coffee with Megan, my inner writer is starving for her, you have no idea!

Speaking of writing, I definitely need to pick back up on that, I think I'm going to start doing at least one piece of poetry a week, as well as working on my book a few times a month. Maybe I should switch those priorities eh? Hmmm..

Whoopsie?

Alright well, my room mate and I decided we were going to go a week without internet. However, as of 3 hours ago I realised she was listening to music online... which sort of defeated the purpose, and since I was getting grumpy (I had nothing to do!) we decided to call it off. However, we are both cool people in our own eyes, now all I need is some sparkly spandex and a cape, heck yes!

I sort of really miss my puppies, especially Mocha. As dumb as the dog is, the fluffball is TOO adorable not to love, and with her big floppy paws and cute brown eyes, I can't get enough of her! She's so cuddly, and the chihuahua is pretty awesome too, if not a tad ADD and spastic?

Anyhow, enough reminiscing of my home life... I hope it snows here soon, I'll find some random stuff to do, like jump out of trees into snowpiles or something... and there's public skating, so once I get my skates sharpened, that'll rock out.

I wish I didn't have so much reading to do for Miracle Month (aka when the profs get together and decide how best to ruin our lives and run us into the ground... how sweet eh?) because if I see another word or two, I just might get sick. But at least I don't have as many assignments as some of the other ladies on the hall, I feel bad for a few of them.

Anyhow, I'm off.

Just want to type..

I guess I decided that I just wanted to start up a little blog of my own again, now that my livejournal has all but gone to junk and such. It's nice to be able to just talk about what's going on, type it out, and have it said... you know?

Now that I'm at a new school, things are pretty cool, but at the same time, stressful. I sort of wish I had my skidoo here, but even if I did, let's face it, there's no snow. Zilch. I don't know what to do with myself! I feel so lazy, normally I can take out a quad, skidoo, kayak, you name it, and just have a go, but here I can't even throw corn in the cafeteria without getting a fine. Psh.

I like that I've gotten to open up to people here a bit and stuff, it's good to know that I've found some people I can talk to and trust, everyone needs that now and then. There are actually some really cool girls here, I mean, I figured a lot of fun and cool guys would be at the school, but at the same time, I had this picture in my head of all these little nun-ish girls and pastor's daughters, wearing turtlenecks and glaring at me because no one else had ever done anything or been spontaneous before... boy, was I wrong. Haha.

I'm hoping to find some people that want to make a roadtrip out to Regina for like, a long weekend sometime, not necessarily this semester, but maybe next. I think it would be SO fun, like, shopping, maybe get in a day of boarding, and just chilling... I totally need to just like, bust out and do some crazy stuff, I'm going insane in this little box of a town! It sucks that I actually know how to do these things decently, and can't at all, because a) Saskatchewan was flat, b) I don't get my scholarship mula till December, c) No one here does anything, and d) I don't have any of my stuff here with me at the school, but eh, I'll get over it.

Anyhow.. I'm off..