So many thoughts, I need to write them down..

I just watched Invisible Children, and that movie is so inredibly moving. It reminded me so much of the heart I have for those people, and I have no idea why. Anytime I watch the suffering, it's like there's something inside of me that just wants to break free and go to them. I've always loved holding people, trying to show them that I care for them and love them, yet in this country, in our spoiled and corrupt part of the world, no one needs it. Yet in those places, being held is something that means more than any of us could imagine. Why? Because they aren't held. I just sat through 55 minutes of children 5-14 holding guns, missing limbs, not willing to cry because when they do they're shot... 55 minutes of heart wrenching wickedness... these children have absolutely nothing. What the hell are we doing in Iraq and Iran when all of this is going on? They're building weapons... yet these children are becoming weapons, weapons that no one cares about and that mean nothing to the people using them, they're invisible. It's a genocide.

I'm going into a rant there, and I don't want to, that's not why I post these things. I want to hold those children and tell them that there is hope; that eventually, when our society is done with making sure our backs are still cushioned against little threats against us, that they wont have to worry about having limbs chopped off, or about being told to shoot their family members. I just want to tell them that there is love in this world, even if they aren't shown it. I want to show them the love they've had ripped away from them. Why is this so strong inside of me?! I hate that I have to live in this damn country where no one gives a crap about anyone else. Even when we say we do, we really don't, otherwise the World would be so different. We're selfish pigs, even I'm a selfish pig. I don't deserve what I have.

On another upsetting note, one of my friends almost died. She jumped out of a car so her boyfriend wouldn't kill her. Now she believes there's a God. Does she really? I don't know, but any chance for her to grow closer is an opportunity for me. I've been working on her for so many years, I got her through highschool, even though I'm a province away and see her once every 3-4 years... I wont ever give up on her. She's so broken, it tears me to pieces just to talk to her. Yet I don't like to tell others, because they label her, they don't know her, they have no right, so I wont put her through that, even if she never knows. Fiona, I won't ever give up on you, never.

God is an answer that she needs to understand... everything else falls through for her, every single time. And if I lived there, I would spend every day trying to show her that things can be different, when she's become numb to any difference. That's what happens when indifference is all you meet, it becomes you. I hate that I can't be there. I hate that I can't be in Uganda. Why am I going to some school, sitting through classes, eating huge meals, living a daily life that would be a miracle sized dream for others? God, why couldn't I have been born into a place where people actually feel?