Home again.

I still haven't entirely gotten to the point of fully realising that I'm home for the rest of the summer. For one thing, I haven't had the chance to, as Mom has me running around like a person on acid (after watching Telletubbies perhaps?) - and it's bloody annoying -. But eh, I'm not bitter.

I have to admit that it's a little bit worrisome, going from the school where it's an amazing Christian environment, and you have so many people constantly pushing you in your growth and walk, and then coming home to Thompson. I mean, yes there are a lot of amazing Christians in my group of friends, and yes we have an amazing new Youth Pastor, but still, I have so much more independence in my walk now, it's almost scary.

It's also strange to think that I'm going on 20 in close to 3 months. This year has caused so many changes for me, in my thinking, actions, everything really. Have I grown up too much? Will things be akward with my friends? The way I see it, if anything, I can just accept the fact that I've become an old bag, get past it, but still hold that mentorship within my younger friendships, only now I actually have answers, whereas the past few years many of my answers were based moreso on opinion. I don't know, things are just so confusing. Does turning 20 do this to everyone? Gah!

Sorry for the short post, I may add a bit more later. It's too early for me right now.

Beth

I feel sad.

I'm not entirely sure why, I just do. I've had a bit of a heavy heart all day, ever since chapel. It was the last time our current student body president would be speaking to us, before this school year ends and Anthony (who is also my german tutor) takes his place - which I am excited for, as he is an amazing speaker and has a huge passion for God. He spoke a lot about God, and how we really need to focus ourselves on Him. We hear this all the time - I hear this all the time. But honestly, I never really think on it at all. And then I got one of those convictions that set in softly, and then make you feel like you're having a heart attack. I'm not kidding, I had to sit down because I was literally in pain. My heart hurt.

So I sat there, thinking and listening. Elevate was playing with us, and they were playing the "Into Marvelous Light I'm Running" song, and the pain just kept getting worse. And I guess something in me sort of softened; normally someone would say snapped, or broke down, but no, it softened. And I started to pray. I have to be honest, prayer is a weak spot for me, I have trouble with it, feel self conscious, and I guess I just get a bit timid and shy, even with God. But I decided to just really open up a bit. So I was on my little pew, all curled up with my head on my knees, and then I was crying. It hit me that all this time, despite wanting to grow so badly, I'm STILL trying to do this on my own. WHEN AM I GOING TO LEARN? So I listed off some of the things I know are holding me back, the things giving me guilt to the point that I've half convinced myself that I just don't deserve this at all, and that are a huge roadblock for me right now. And I told him that I want HIM to take care of it for me. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, I'm tired of letting myself down, but if we pray, it says that He wont let us down right?

Needless to say, I also felt somewhat silly sitting there with all these smiling happy people, with mascara-raccoon eyes, lol. But it was a weirdly good moment. Unfortunately I sort of feel like a failure right now again, because, well... I slipped up again this afternoon. I feel like anytime I'm making any progress with God, I mess up. I let him down, I finally ask him to handle it, and I, as in ME, not Him, I mess up. It's so frustrating! Why do I suck so much, seriously?!

And then in my meeting with my RA, we talked about prayer... and it was so frustrating, just sitting there, when it's my weakest spot. Listening to the things I know by heart, but can't seem to understand in order to be able to pray properly (and yes, there IS a way to pray properly, lol, I've been fooled all these years into thinking that I can do any old thing and it'll still be a great prayer between me and God) and it just made me want to break down! And here I could have been vulnerable and said something, but right when I wanted to, someone came to tell Mel she only had a few minutes before she had to go somewhere. So I guess I'll wait... I dunno. Being vulnerable is so damn hard, I hate this. But I know that despite how long it's taking, I AM taking the baby steps toward something... I just wish my steps could get a bit bigger.

Pray for me, please?

Heading home...

It's sort of strange to think that there's only 14 days until I leave. 13 full days here, as I leave on the 14th day; it's sort of scary! I've adjusted to the college/dorm life, and now I need to readjust myself to being at home and all of that, ach... there'll even be real food, this is insane!

And to think that I'll have to start work soon too, eek. I'm thinking maybe I'll spend the couple months left of Thompson school doing some substitute teaching, that way I can stay in town and sort of take it easy (as well as be closer to my ever so lovely friends who I utterly adore!) and get back into the swing of things (hurrah food and non-communal bathrooms!), before heading down to Snow Lake to sort of hunker down and get a job. Not going to lie though, before designating myself as bar-maid and hotel-maid, I'm going to look for some high-paying jobs in Thompson, maybe at MTS or something, we'll see what's available! Full time nanny perhaps (just kidding)?

Anyway, I just can't get over that I only have two weeks left. This week I need to do most of my packing, finish my two final papers, and learn German like there's no tomorrow! "Kuss mich liebling!" ... and then next week are my finals, which I'm dreading, especially Christian Worldviews, I have a sour little feeling in my stomach that it wont go over as well as I want it to. Then again, if it's on Chesterton, there's hope yet (there'll be more about him to come!).

Chesterton.. wow. Literature MIRACLE! He's a tad advanced for a lot of people, but when you're able to read him, then look over it, one finds that he's utterly amazing! Both quotes on my header thing are from him. The man is brilliant! I can't get over it, honestly, he's moving in on Shakespeare in my Literature Love Affair list! The way he tears into anyone and anything (honestly, no topic is too little or too much for this man!) without holding back on the wit and british humour, it's astounding! And the examples he thinks of are nothing short of amazing! I'm madly in like with this man!

Ok, don't want to ramble too much on that topic... but if you want a read that will be a challenge (but not too much of a challenge) with many benefits and a few laughs, read Orthodoxy by GK Chesterton. Then again, you guys don't seem to like the same things I do, so maybe don't... I dunno.

Much love,
Bethany

PS: We're going to watch a LOT of Gilmore Girls when I'm back, so get prepared NOW to hunker down with me ladies... and Doug can come too :P.