I feel sad.

I'm not entirely sure why, I just do. I've had a bit of a heavy heart all day, ever since chapel. It was the last time our current student body president would be speaking to us, before this school year ends and Anthony (who is also my german tutor) takes his place - which I am excited for, as he is an amazing speaker and has a huge passion for God. He spoke a lot about God, and how we really need to focus ourselves on Him. We hear this all the time - I hear this all the time. But honestly, I never really think on it at all. And then I got one of those convictions that set in softly, and then make you feel like you're having a heart attack. I'm not kidding, I had to sit down because I was literally in pain. My heart hurt.

So I sat there, thinking and listening. Elevate was playing with us, and they were playing the "Into Marvelous Light I'm Running" song, and the pain just kept getting worse. And I guess something in me sort of softened; normally someone would say snapped, or broke down, but no, it softened. And I started to pray. I have to be honest, prayer is a weak spot for me, I have trouble with it, feel self conscious, and I guess I just get a bit timid and shy, even with God. But I decided to just really open up a bit. So I was on my little pew, all curled up with my head on my knees, and then I was crying. It hit me that all this time, despite wanting to grow so badly, I'm STILL trying to do this on my own. WHEN AM I GOING TO LEARN? So I listed off some of the things I know are holding me back, the things giving me guilt to the point that I've half convinced myself that I just don't deserve this at all, and that are a huge roadblock for me right now. And I told him that I want HIM to take care of it for me. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, I'm tired of letting myself down, but if we pray, it says that He wont let us down right?

Needless to say, I also felt somewhat silly sitting there with all these smiling happy people, with mascara-raccoon eyes, lol. But it was a weirdly good moment. Unfortunately I sort of feel like a failure right now again, because, well... I slipped up again this afternoon. I feel like anytime I'm making any progress with God, I mess up. I let him down, I finally ask him to handle it, and I, as in ME, not Him, I mess up. It's so frustrating! Why do I suck so much, seriously?!

And then in my meeting with my RA, we talked about prayer... and it was so frustrating, just sitting there, when it's my weakest spot. Listening to the things I know by heart, but can't seem to understand in order to be able to pray properly (and yes, there IS a way to pray properly, lol, I've been fooled all these years into thinking that I can do any old thing and it'll still be a great prayer between me and God) and it just made me want to break down! And here I could have been vulnerable and said something, but right when I wanted to, someone came to tell Mel she only had a few minutes before she had to go somewhere. So I guess I'll wait... I dunno. Being vulnerable is so damn hard, I hate this. But I know that despite how long it's taking, I AM taking the baby steps toward something... I just wish my steps could get a bit bigger.

Pray for me, please?