A nor-so-good Update... sorry folks.

Well, this week we found a noticable lump in my right breast. I remember finding one in the same area before (for the life of me I can't remember when then, I figured it was nothing!) but it was a lot smaller, meaning that it's grown since then. So I decided to let Mom know, and she said we had to go to the clinic the next morning, which we did...

The doctor (who was Scottish, and though old, it was still almost wonderful to have a Scottish man in the room, even if he was feeling me up and such, lol) felt around, and said that it has to come out immediately. I'm having an ultrasound done on my chest on Monday (no squishy painful mammograms for me! They said it was because they don't like to do it on people as young as me, but really, I think I'm too small to fit between the two plates, hurrah!), and then they'll run the tests to see if it's cancerous or not. I don't really feel like it's real at all, so far it seems like just another checkup. I'm hoping that it's nothing though, and I'm sure it will be... I mean, as if I'd get cancer, it's WAY too common. If anything, I'll someday contract elephantitis of the earlobes and then get leprosy, lol, that'd do the trick!

Anyway, just so everyone knows, I'll be having surgery soon (for the biopsy) and will keep people posted on the results, which I'm sure will be awesome! No worries folks :)

Trying to wrap my head around all of this,

the last few days I've spent a lot of time thinking about God. There were definitely a few things that stuck out more to me than others, mainly considering Christ as a lover (something that was very new to me) and why, after so many years of learning about God in almost every way shape or form, I still have so much trouble giving in completely.

After reading my youth pastor's blog (Brandon Milan, he's a wicked smart guy!), I started to notice that I really liked the John Piper quotes and pieces he had posted, and decided to check out their website for myself. This morning I came upon this in an article:

2. Two persons with radically different
personalities and backgrounds may have more or fewer obstacles to overcome in
the process of sanctification. Therefore, the one with fewer obstacles may
respond in godly ways to less truth, while the one with more obstacles may
struggle more, even though he has more truth.

3. A person with much truth may lag behind in
godliness because there are hindrances that arise between the truth in the mind
and the response of the heart to that truth. These hindrances may include loss
of memory; ease of distraction; blind spots that keep one from seeing how a
truth applies to a long-held pattern of behavior; mental disorders (mild or
profound) that create disconnects between thoughts and volitions; confusion and
ignorance about the way sanctification is meant to work; or hidden rebellion of
the heart that covers itself with a veneer of orthodoxy.
(desiringgod.org)

For some reason it struck a bit of a chord with me; I think because it actually offered me the hint of an answer! I'd consider myself to fall under the category of a person with "much truth", I already know there are hinderances between my mind and the response of my heart. A large one being that I've been spoon fed the gospel my entire life, and rather than being allowed to discover it and find it for myself, I've always had to simply accept what is told to me, and try and apply it directly. Clearly that doesn't actually work! So now, the last year and a half or so has been spent trying to erase much of the knowledge I have gained and had tattooed onto my mind since childhood, so that there will be room for the new findings I have. There is just one little problem, the new information often clashes or doesn't sit well with many of the things I was taught growing up!!!

So automatically there is something in my mind that seems to say "this cannot be true, it goes against ______ and ______ Bethany." . Whereas my heart wants to say "Leave those other thoughts behind, learn this for yourself and decide through the word if it is true or not!"... this is so confusing!

I always find myself wishing that I hadn't been raised in a Christian home; hadn't always spent every Sunday in church having "the basics" molded into my mind. Oh how lucky the people are who get to discover Christ and a life in Him on their own! Without having all these predetermined ideals (not all of which are wrong by the way, they just make applying new things VERY difficult at times) rooted in their minds. Maybe this is one of my larger trials, maybe God wants to see if I have what it takes to break out of the mold I've allowed myself to be fitted nicely into, and actually discover life in Him, rather than life n a Church? To actually live, rather than to merely watch?

Anyway.. those are my thoughts for the morning. Enjoy! I'm off to have another cup of Coffee.. sugary brown goodness :)

Thinking of Him as a lover;

I feel as though you are a whispered secret,
always just a breath away from my straining ear.
Occasionally I feel the warm breath of promise,
feather light against my skin. Tantilizing.
I wake up and find small, beautiful gifts.
A small flower outside my window, butterflies dancing in the grass just outside.
You are trying to win over my heart,
Oh Lord; you desperately seek to see me swoon.
Fall desperately and entirely in love with you; at times I feel as though I will.
Showing me your might, fires blazing, thunder roaring;
as you show me the raw strength you possess, you can take care of me. I'm in awe.
Yet you have a softer side; sensitive, the sound of lapping water, a warm breeze to caress my skin.
I long to be in your arms, safe and loved beyond anything imagined!
You work ceaselessly for my heart Jesus, why am I so unable?
Earthly lovers taint my eyes, draw me blindly into their lustful chambers to steal my precious heart...
How can I find you, my love, my life?
How can you still want me?
When once I was unscarred and beautiful,
I am now blackened.
A reflection of the untainted child I had been.
The whips used to keep me broken,
desperate for love that couldnt be found in that darkened maze;
they have scarred my skin, and branded me as a corrupted sinner.
When once a glow of hope and unbreakable captivation with you, my Lord, my Lover,
when once it shone beautifully from me...
Now it bleakly releases a sliver of light, concealed beneath the scars laid on too heavily to release me!
Lover, beautiful thief of my heart,
will you rescue me?
Show me again that I am your everything,
That you yearn to have me eternally,
and that even tainted and ugly, you find me beautiful.
That you want to restore your love within me?
You truly are my only hope... Jesus. My only.
Will you see past the woman I became,
kiss the places so scarred by life and torment,
and allow new skin to blossom, pale and beautiful. Clean.
Woo my heart dear Savior, pull me in, seduce me with the promise of forever.
It is true that there is no comparison,
As a man, you are everything, as a God, you are everything.

Largest Update of all time... or not.

So, apparently snapping fingers can be rather distracting; who knew? We all learn interesting facts now and again. Such as fireflies like to sit on my window and randomly glow brightly in my face when I want to sleep, it's a beautiful thing... and makes me want to kill it. Oh life.

Shakespeare (Claire, you'll understand, lol) is something different altogether. I've been doing some "reading" lately, and came to the conclusion of the book. Literally, it's done. Thinking to myself I realised there are just too many little problems. I felt like I was taking a step back in my "reading" relationship.. rather than a step forwards. It was just so highschool! Like, in the sauna? REALLY? Ok, needless to say, we're done now, it's all good. Life can mooove on. *note to others: he's a great guy, don't judge him, he's just not the one for me. So I didn't want to get into it (to make a long Shakespeare story short, lol).

Other than that, life around here is slowly returning to normal. Or at least as normal as it can be, considering that I'm living in a garage-home that has more animal heads than human... bartending (without a license, heh) and watching people pass out and throwing ice cubes at them to see if they wake up (they never do!!) and being hit on by old men with saggy tattoos. *sigh* this will be such a cool summer!

PS: Because of cranky pants Shakespeare being a bit of a mood ruiner, I've had to miss the fireworks. The only good thing that happens in this town, seriously. G'night all! Much love!