Trying to wrap my head around all of this,

the last few days I've spent a lot of time thinking about God. There were definitely a few things that stuck out more to me than others, mainly considering Christ as a lover (something that was very new to me) and why, after so many years of learning about God in almost every way shape or form, I still have so much trouble giving in completely.

After reading my youth pastor's blog (Brandon Milan, he's a wicked smart guy!), I started to notice that I really liked the John Piper quotes and pieces he had posted, and decided to check out their website for myself. This morning I came upon this in an article:

2. Two persons with radically different
personalities and backgrounds may have more or fewer obstacles to overcome in
the process of sanctification. Therefore, the one with fewer obstacles may
respond in godly ways to less truth, while the one with more obstacles may
struggle more, even though he has more truth.

3. A person with much truth may lag behind in
godliness because there are hindrances that arise between the truth in the mind
and the response of the heart to that truth. These hindrances may include loss
of memory; ease of distraction; blind spots that keep one from seeing how a
truth applies to a long-held pattern of behavior; mental disorders (mild or
profound) that create disconnects between thoughts and volitions; confusion and
ignorance about the way sanctification is meant to work; or hidden rebellion of
the heart that covers itself with a veneer of orthodoxy.
(desiringgod.org)

For some reason it struck a bit of a chord with me; I think because it actually offered me the hint of an answer! I'd consider myself to fall under the category of a person with "much truth", I already know there are hinderances between my mind and the response of my heart. A large one being that I've been spoon fed the gospel my entire life, and rather than being allowed to discover it and find it for myself, I've always had to simply accept what is told to me, and try and apply it directly. Clearly that doesn't actually work! So now, the last year and a half or so has been spent trying to erase much of the knowledge I have gained and had tattooed onto my mind since childhood, so that there will be room for the new findings I have. There is just one little problem, the new information often clashes or doesn't sit well with many of the things I was taught growing up!!!

So automatically there is something in my mind that seems to say "this cannot be true, it goes against ______ and ______ Bethany." . Whereas my heart wants to say "Leave those other thoughts behind, learn this for yourself and decide through the word if it is true or not!"... this is so confusing!

I always find myself wishing that I hadn't been raised in a Christian home; hadn't always spent every Sunday in church having "the basics" molded into my mind. Oh how lucky the people are who get to discover Christ and a life in Him on their own! Without having all these predetermined ideals (not all of which are wrong by the way, they just make applying new things VERY difficult at times) rooted in their minds. Maybe this is one of my larger trials, maybe God wants to see if I have what it takes to break out of the mold I've allowed myself to be fitted nicely into, and actually discover life in Him, rather than life n a Church? To actually live, rather than to merely watch?

Anyway.. those are my thoughts for the morning. Enjoy! I'm off to have another cup of Coffee.. sugary brown goodness :)