Wondering about God..

So I'm supposed to just break down, after so many years of holding myself up, standing on my own, and never being vulnerable. When as a child you go to someone to be comforted, or to just be vulnerable and held, and they aren't there, it leaves a lasting impression. I am strong. But am I strong enough? I always have been... but everyone tells me that's not good enough, that I wont be able to last, that I need to give it up to God.

What if he wants me to be strong? I have people that rely on me, that need me to stay strong. Who cares if I don't cry? The last month I've cried more than I have in years, but I don't feel good about it; I hate it. I mean, sometimes the release is good, but then I look around and see these girls/guys that take it too far, they're entirely dependent, and it's not on God. They just unload and unload and unload, and it's entirely on the wrong person. What if I became like that? I'd turn into something I'm totally against, and I'm afraid to chance it.

But then I think about what I see in people here; this freedom, this joy, this sense of absolute guarantee. They know Him, they know what He does, they understand Him, and I have no idea. I saw someone do something for the first time in my life yesterday, and it was something that (in my mind) proves Him, His power. But I don't know what to make of it, it almost scared me. I've always been so cynical, questioning everything, analyzing ever little bit of this. When I'm supposed to leave it all up to faith. But at the same time, I'm to smart to be duped, I'm unwilling to chance placing my life and well, soul, into something that may not be real. But watching her do that, it scared me, in a great way. I couldn't stop the tears afterwards, because now I know.

But what do I do? How am I supposed to find that release? They always make it sound so easy.. IT'S NOT. I can't just let myself fall, can you possibly imagine the pain, the rejection, the horror I'd feel. I'd never be able to so much as consider a God again, and that's the worst part. So far I've reached out a little bit, I realise now that even when I thought I was, I was never reaching all the way, because of this fear. I know what it's because of, I've reached out before only to be let down, and not softly, I fell hard, and it scarred me. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? Right? I don't know anymore.

I know that I want what they have. I know that... I know, I think I know. I want to have that comfort, that belief that someone there actually cares, understands, wants... and all for me. But at the same time, I've built a life on independence, how do I reverse that? And if I do, would I ever be able to regain the strength I have now? But at the same time, is it strength I harbour now, or is it coldness? I wouldn't say I'm bitter, I know I'm not, I'm far smarter than to hold onto little things and let them overwhelm me... but, I know that I refuse to let them happen again, to restart a process so severe. But I'm fully aware that I'm cold. I can be happy and sweet, but inside, a part of me has been frozen for years, and if it does ever thaw, will there be too much frostbite for it to ever heal?

I'm afraid. Can I even talk to someone about this? It's huge... I don't know if they even care enough, it'd be a huge responsibility. I can carry it on my own, but in order to do this, I have to share. Where the hell would I start? Who? And why am I so afraid...