:(

I have to admit that I've had a terrible week.

To begin, on Tuesday I found out that someone hacked into my hotmail account and deleted my book, Amnesin. Those of you that I've let in on it know I've been working on it for 6 and a half years. Thousands of pages, countless hours of work, hundreds of dollars, but it was finally coming together. I had been picked up by a great publisher, and believe it or not, was going to be doing pre-release signings this summer and on the shelves by next Christmas. I was going to be published.

Now you're probably thinking "you can get the book back silly." but I can't. I had 3 "safety" copies. One on my dad's computer, which was re-formatted recently and only his work files were saved (my book was deleted). One on my laptop, which recently crashed and I wasn't able to save anything from it. I know how to do things like that, and after a month of trying daily, I spent about $600 at different places, only to be told every time that they couldn't get to the files, and that everything was lost. But I still had my copy on my email. Until someone hacked it and deleted it.

I have trouble explaining what this means to me, but essentially, I may have just seen my writing career go out the window, overnight. There's no way to get it back, I tried tracing the email, etc. But the person that hacked it knew what they were doing, and deleted anything that I could use to find out who it went to, or where it was sent, or even to get it back after it was deleted.

I'm so broken over this, because this book meant everything to me. Not only have I poured everything into it, but it was finally showing my family that this was something I really could do, that I had the talent, and that it wasn't a waste for me to follow this dream. Now I have nothing, will be dropped by the publishers, and feel depressed beyond anything you could imagine. I spent more than a quarter of my life on this, only to watch it be snatched away from me. I cried for about 2 days straight, and now I'm just in shock. I can't even get angry, I'm too heartbroken and sad. I don't understand why someone would do this to me.

Also, work was finally working out, we were going back to a normal rotation, so I'd be off night shifts. But someone quit, and now I'm doing the nights for another month, or so it appears right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been doing crazy overtime for almost 4 months now, and it's getting harder and harder. I don't sleep properly, I don't eat properly, my friends don't talk to me anymore, and I'm just depressed. I wont lie, I've considered going to see a councellor or something, because my head is messed up. I love this job, and they're completely dependent on me right now, and I can't leave or take time off, because the house may very well get shut down if I do. That adds an indescribable amount of pressure to my already aching head. I just can't do all of this anymore. But there's nothing I can do about it.

I was supposed to be able to go and see my family for the day on Friday, but now I've been given more night shifts and can't. Mom is so upset, I think she thinks I'm using work as an excuse to not have to see her. But I've only spent a full day with them once since September, and I miss them so much. Especially now. All I want is to sit on the couch with her or Dad and bawl my eyes out like a teen. I know I'm an adult and responsible, but we're allowed to cry. But god, I don't even have the time for that right now.

I also have another mass in my breast. This one has spread and is causing me pain, I really need to go get it checked and then taken out. The pain and the fact that it's spreading is a REALLY bad sign, as it points directly to cancer. But go figure, I don't have the ****ing time to go and see a doctor.

Guys, I need prayer, or better yet, a hug, or... god I don't know. Just put me into a coma for a month. Anything. I'm in such a bad frame of mind right now, and I just need to get away. But I can't.

Thanks for reading, if by chance you did. I miss you guys.
Beth