I realised last night that I have no idea what I want. I know what sort of things I like, what sort of things make me happy.. what make me sad, what I absolutely cannot stand, and what can give me the willies because it just seems to right. But I have absolutely no idea what I want.
This time last year I had decided I wanted to do some teaching, writing, travelling.. you know, the usual Humanities studying student ideal. But thinking about it, I realised I did NOT want to teach (don't get me wrong, some enjoy it.. I don't.) writing is obviously still such a passion that it can bring me to tears when I'm frustrated with writers block, and I know it always will be... and travelling, yes I want to see the world, but I don't feel it's a necessity right now.
I want to study the classics, basically just dabble in Humanities until I've had my fill, I don't know if I even have the guts to stick to one specific degree (outside of the Italian studies, if I ever get around to it). I'm really indecisive. Maybe that's part of why I don't know what I want anymore? But then, at the same time, I've never felt quite so free as I have in not knowing what I want. It leaves it up to the wind. I might meet someone who'll knock me flat on my ass, and I could fall madly in love and end up a house wife making grilled cheese sandwiches and reading the paper. Or I could stay single forever, do some writing, have the occasional fun date, and just enjoy the time I get to spend in the now.
It's something I'm coming to like, the now.
It's scary too though, not having any idea. Any plans. I used to try and plan out my future like I would a grocery list. Things I'd see, things I'd do, people I'd keep and ones I wouldn't mind letting fall aside. But I don't think that's even living... that's just planning for a future that'll bend and shape itself no matter WHAT you've written down. Haha, it's so strange.
For all I know, I may very well try to go zorbing down some giant hill, end up a quadrapoligic in the very house I work in right now, lol. Or a flaming homo, haha. Gosh, wouldn't THAT be interesting!
Anyway, that's just what's been going through my head lately. I can't decide if I'm fully happy with it or not, but it feels nice to just be out with it. Not the flaming homo thing, I'm not being out about that, hahaha.. but the freedom of being fine with having absolutely no clue, or care, about what's coming. But no matter what, I'll keep you posted :).
Much love,
Beth
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Hmm ... yes and no. Euphoria and deflation. Happiness and dejectedness.
Let's just say I'm at two minds on this. Now. Later. Ayayay. It is all summed up perfectly in what is becoming my favourite quotation of all time: "As fun and exciting as it is to have your whole life ahead of you, it's just plain annoying." - Carolynn
So true. But no less worth living for. Ooh ... which reminds me of another great quotation: "Life is an oxymoron." - Also Carolynn.
I leave you with these deep and reflective thoughts! :)
Post a Comment