"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."

A final post.

2009-08-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I've decided that I'm pretty much done with this blog. I don't think I really have any readers anymore, and I have several other blogs that I've been updating pretty much daily for almost a year now, plus I've got a lot of followers on one of them, it's pretty cool. For some reason I always forget about this one haha. So I guess I'll say farewell!

And remember guys,
art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.

(If you don't get that, don't feel to bad... most people who weren't given the philosophical gene don't catch on to it ;).. ciao)

Big news <3

2009-08-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's right. I actually have things to tell you all about for once! Let's start with the big news:

I came out to my family about being gay. I was tired of lying to my family and friends, and knew that it was time to just tell them. I'm so happy that I have a loving family. They may not like it or plan to support it, but I'm their daughter and they love me just the same, and that's more than good enough for me! So yes, for those of you who don't know or haven't heard, I'm gay.

-- and no it wasn't a recent realization either, I've known since I was about 12 years old --

I also got my labret pierced (the middle of the bottom lip) and it looks pretty snazzy! I also got transferred to my new house, so not only do I have a MUCH less demanding schedule, I also have no more night shifts, and work in a more laid back setting as the guys here are independent and don't require medication. I'm already loving it!

On other news... I'm living on Juniper at the moment because I'm watching a friend's house while she's on vacation, and her cat hates me! One is all loving and cuddly, but the other one yowls whenever I walk into the room and hisses! It stalks me! It's like a demon-kitty!

I also found out that she has a frog. I keep forgetting about the stupid little thing, good thing I found it though or it would've starved lol.

Anyway, there's my update! Love you guys!

So here I am..

2009-07-14T02:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm currently working my second last set of night shifts! I'm so happy, not because I'm sitting here bleary eyed and wishing I was holding a pillow instead of a broom, but because there's only two more sets to go and I'm finito with nights! This is reason to celebrate!

Anyway, thought I'd give a little update on the ever-so exciting happenings of Bethany!

Yeah, there's nothing exciting.

Bye guys!

Just kidding! I had a pretty fun wipeout with my longboard at an intersection today, I hit some sand that had collected on the road and the board sort of skidded, and normally I can just keep going, but because I was bent out into a turn I ended up crashing and rolling... and almost hitting a truck! Oh my! Luckily no fenders became benders due to my body being crushed, so life goes on..

In about 2 weeks I switch over to my new house, which I'm incredibly excited about!!! The 3 guys that live there are sweet hearts, honestly I adore them, and they're a lot more independent (jobs, no meds, girlfriends, etc) so it'll be a little bit less of a constant push on my patience button. And I get along really well with the manager there too, he's cool, does tattoos, local artist, and the size of a house... but whatever. He thinks he's gonna make me cry, and while I acted tough and said he wouldn't, we all know I probably will. "What, you want me to COOK? *burst into tears*"

Anyhow, I'm also going to be posting something that will be long, sort of intense to read, and probably difficult for you girls to understand pretty soon. It'll be a big shock, but honestly, I just need to get it off my chest. But I'm talking to my family about it first, as I owe it to them.

Much love!
Beth

About Micheal Jackson, Broken Beer Bottles, and the Thriller Dance..

2009-07-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

knSo I want to start off by apologizing about sucking so much at keeping this puppy updated... my bad!

Anyway, can you believe he finally kicked the bucket? Ok, I mean I know Micheal Jackson wasn't everyone's favorite person.. let's face it, he hasn't been this stiff since that little boy came to visit (if ya know what I mean heh) but man... he was an INCREDIBLE performer! He paved the way for EVERYONE! Justin Timberlake, Usher, even friggin Christina Aguilera! Not to mention his wacky crazy awesome dancing... I will never stop trying to learn the moonwalk, blisters and sprained toes be damned! I miss him already, but eh... everyone has to go right?

Anyway, I have this giant gash on the bottom of my foot... it hurts, and it's gross looking, and as per usual it's all my fault that I have it in an ironic sort of way. The other day I noticed a smashed bottle on the road, and figured I should move it so no one ruins their tires with the glass, I tossed the big old pieces onto the grass and thought nothing of it. And then last night, coming to work, I stepped on it..

I was wearing my favorite sneakers, those ones I got in gr.10 that are ripped and ragged and occasionally glow an eerie greenish color (they should do a tribute to them on the Twilight Zone show, seriously, they were some pretty nasty sneakers) but I loved them with all my heart. Unfortunately they're so old and icky that the giant piece of beer bottle I stepped on went through them and into my foot, a full inch into my foot, and a full 3 inches wide. I love life, really.

So now one sneaker is fully stained with blood, I'm walking with a limp -GANGSTA!- and my beloved shoes are in the trash for all eternity. :( all this because I'm a thoughtful person. Eff my life.

So yeah, that's my traumatic experience for the day.

I got bored last night at work and learned the thriller dance, friggen awesome! It was so much fun, even with a bloody limping foot haha. AND I've finally mastered hills on the long board, it was hard because the thing goes so fast, but I now rule Thompson! Random people tell me they see me around town, and I've been nicknamed the "skater chick" by Robins Donuts and some other people I don't ever know or talk to... gotta love it.

Anyway that's about it for now!

Ooooh wait! I got my bedroom set in, and I have to assemble it all myself, and apparently I suck, because it looks like frankenstein and pinnochio had a baby. So here's to hoping I can figure that out, or I'll have several nails to the bum after my first week sleeping on it!!

Love ya!

Hello Hello

2009-06-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

I have this awesome song by Eve 6 stuck in my head, it's called "Here's to the nights", if you haven't listened to it, I highly suggest you do ladies (and gentlemen.. though I'm not sure if I have any manly followers..) it's a super amazing song about friendship and the "good old days of highschool hangouts".

Anyway.. oh gross Backstreet Boys is playing on the tv, how awful! Anyway, I figured I'd give a little update, though I have virtually nothing to update about!

I bought my longboard (lots of cheering please), it's essentially a long skateboard. I decided the first thing I was going to do is take it down a big hill.... HUGE mistake. I didn't realize how fast the bloody things go and nearly killed myself. However I've now mastered it. On the second day I had it though I took it to work, and while I was on the street of the house I work at, I totally wiped out haha... I sprained my ankle, got a concussion, and wrecked my right hand lol. It was awesome. Of course I was back on it a few minutes later and happy as can be lol.

Other than that I've worked.. and am planning a fun trip at the end of the month with Josh, in which we're going to a gay bar because they have the best dance music and dance floors, and clearly that's why we're hitting up the bars in the first place!

However, my supervisor just walked in so I'm signing off.

Ciao!
Beth

The long awaited post (no, I haven't forgotten about you)

2009-06-01T20:43:00.001-07:00

So, I put off posting for 4 main reasons;
Firstly, I was in the middle of ending the short lived relationship with Evan. The ending to our lovely little tale of confusion and awkward hang outs was due to the second reason I haven't posted..

I'm in the middle of moving plans! Yes, I'm finally up and leaving the sad little town of Thompson. I'm moving to Winnipeg in January with a friend, our pets love eachother, we adore eachother, and it's going to be awesome. We have enough of the same friends that we'll have amicable hang out times, but enough of other friends we'll still have alone time and space. Love it!

Also, now that it's warming up, my social life has flared to life once more. No longer do I sit in bed and read all day like a hermit, now I sit in bed and read all day... but take breaks to see people!

Lastly, Bella had to go to the vet to be declawed and spayed and get her shots, and she was a sad little pile of whimpering sore fur with tender tootsies, who I doted on and carried around wherever she wanted to go. It was harder than I anticipated, because I don't speak kitten, so her directions took a while to get across... after a while I figured out the pattern though: "Carry me to my food. Carry me to my sitting spot, and carry me to my litter box. Now back to the second sitting spot, onto your bed, then back to the food." I'm a wonderful mother!

So... other than that there's next to nothing new. Oh I bought a fish, it's red and I named it Moo! He's on my bedside table, and I quite like him, he stares at me :)

So there you have it, the not so interesting encounters of the month of May, enjoy!

I haven't updated in over a month? Time flies!

2009-05-12T03:24:00.000-07:00

So... as most of you have figured out by now, I somehow managed to get busy enough to entirely forget to post on here! What a sin, I'm sorry guys, haha. To all my little buddies now finishing with school and thinking of coming home... I'm so excited to see you! To a specific little buddy thinking of skipping the coming home thing, I hope you have a great time travelling, but if I don't get my arms around you at least ONCE this summer, I'll be a tad sniffly!

Anyway, onto other matters! Nothing much has happened, haha. Honestly... I did some fun things over the last few months, pierced my lip (then promptly took it out when I was constantly mistaken for a lesbian.. seriously, I'm not kidding. Short hair and a lip piercing now equal a person's sexual identity... go figure.), did a lot of work, got my kitten (who's getting her shots, spayed, and de-clawed all at once this month, poor baby :(...) who lives in snow lake until I'm in a place where pets are allowed, did some more work (less night shifts! Hurray!), befriended my friend's daughter who now stalks my every move and doesn't let me have coffee with said friend.. Instead I'm forced to be Princess Sparkle the mermaid pirate. Because of this I almost commited suicide and a mass murder (just kidding, but seriously, princess sparkle?! I agree with you Claire, kids are just plain creepy).

I'm currently seeing someone (yes... I know, first in a LOOOONG time). I really enjoyed taking a break from guys and hookups and relationships. I sort of stumbled into this one, but it's going very slowly -he understands my work schedule is pretty demanding- and there's virtually no pressure. I like it! He's making me dinner tonight before my night shift, which I think is super sweet, as I certainly can't do it for him haha, not if I want him around later! He has a giant horse of a dog that likes to trade her slobber ball for whatever snack I have in my hands (and thinks it's a fair trade too, psh!), and we've been having a great time. It's still pretty fresh though, so while I wouldn't say we're "dating" or "in a relationship" we're definitely seeing eachother.

I started a new book, as my old one was deleted by some terrible monster with no heart (and no eyes if I ever get my hands on them :)..) and it's been keeping me busy in my downtime.

This summer will be my summer of opportunity, that's right, I labelled my summer. After such a boring year, I've decided to try a whole wack-load of new things this summer.. who knows what'll happen. High heels, oil painting, a tattoo, and naked cliff jumping are definitely on the list! But we'll see where it goes, lol.

Anyway, I have a client who's currently getting rather angry that I haven't made the morning coffee yet... and because she's stronger than me, I think I should go make it or risk having my pretty little bottom beat, lol. Miss you guys!

:(

2009-03-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I've had a terrible week.

To begin, on Tuesday I found out that someone hacked into my hotmail account and deleted my book, Amnesin. Those of you that I've let in on it know I've been working on it for 6 and a half years. Thousands of pages, countless hours of work, hundreds of dollars, but it was finally coming together. I had been picked up by a great publisher, and believe it or not, was going to be doing pre-release signings this summer and on the shelves by next Christmas. I was going to be published.

Now you're probably thinking "you can get the book back silly." but I can't. I had 3 "safety" copies. One on my dad's computer, which was re-formatted recently and only his work files were saved (my book was deleted). One on my laptop, which recently crashed and I wasn't able to save anything from it. I know how to do things like that, and after a month of trying daily, I spent about $600 at different places, only to be told every time that they couldn't get to the files, and that everything was lost. But I still had my copy on my email. Until someone hacked it and deleted it.

I have trouble explaining what this means to me, but essentially, I may have just seen my writing career go out the window, overnight. There's no way to get it back, I tried tracing the email, etc. But the person that hacked it knew what they were doing, and deleted anything that I could use to find out who it went to, or where it was sent, or even to get it back after it was deleted.

I'm so broken over this, because this book meant everything to me. Not only have I poured everything into it, but it was finally showing my family that this was something I really could do, that I had the talent, and that it wasn't a waste for me to follow this dream. Now I have nothing, will be dropped by the publishers, and feel depressed beyond anything you could imagine. I spent more than a quarter of my life on this, only to watch it be snatched away from me. I cried for about 2 days straight, and now I'm just in shock. I can't even get angry, I'm too heartbroken and sad. I don't understand why someone would do this to me.

Also, work was finally working out, we were going back to a normal rotation, so I'd be off night shifts. But someone quit, and now I'm doing the nights for another month, or so it appears right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been doing crazy overtime for almost 4 months now, and it's getting harder and harder. I don't sleep properly, I don't eat properly, my friends don't talk to me anymore, and I'm just depressed. I wont lie, I've considered going to see a councellor or something, because my head is messed up. I love this job, and they're completely dependent on me right now, and I can't leave or take time off, because the house may very well get shut down if I do. That adds an indescribable amount of pressure to my already aching head. I just can't do all of this anymore. But there's nothing I can do about it.

I was supposed to be able to go and see my family for the day on Friday, but now I've been given more night shifts and can't. Mom is so upset, I think she thinks I'm using work as an excuse to not have to see her. But I've only spent a full day with them once since September, and I miss them so much. Especially now. All I want is to sit on the couch with her or Dad and bawl my eyes out like a teen. I know I'm an adult and responsible, but we're allowed to cry. But god, I don't even have the time for that right now.

I also have another mass in my breast. This one has spread and is causing me pain, I really need to go get it checked and then taken out. The pain and the fact that it's spreading is a REALLY bad sign, as it points directly to cancer. But go figure, I don't have the ****ing time to go and see a doctor.

Guys, I need prayer, or better yet, a hug, or... god I don't know. Just put me into a coma for a month. Anything. I'm in such a bad frame of mind right now, and I just need to get away. But I can't.

Thanks for reading, if by chance you did. I miss you guys.
Beth

Winnipeg! The land of perpetual warmth and smog :)

2009-03-21T02:51:00.000-07:00

I loved my trip. That is all.

Just kidding! That's far from all, I'm going to take you through the whole thing!
So I just made it to the bus, apparently they board at 9:45 instead of at 10pm like I thought, whoopsie, but I got a good seat all the same and settled in with my music. The entire ride, and yes I do mean from when we sat in the seats at 10pm until 7:05am the next day, three little demon babies decided to take turns crying. Normally I'll sit there and coo about how cute they are. But they weren't even cute. They were hideous little screamers that smelt awful and were able to drown out my music. That's some serious lung power, up-and-coming opera singers? Yes, yes they are.

Anyway, I gratefully scuttled off of the bus, grabbed my stuff, and had a quick smoke before realizing I should probably text Chaley to tell her I'm there. Then I waited a few minutes and had a biiig reunion with Chaley (i.e: there was much hugging and exchanging of pleasantries, and of course throwing candy to children, jk) and she took me to the campus. I dropped off my stuff, had some coffee, and then we headed out to do shopping (it was almost 9am at this point, I waste no time when it comes to shopping, you already know this).

We were at the mall until about 5-something that evening. And yes, I took the time to admire EVERY cute boy I saw. I live in Thompson, I deserved the eye candy after months of fasting from all things decently good looking.

That night we went with Chaley's fella to a random house for some spaghetti and games. It just so happened the random house actually belonged to the BUgirl crew! One of whom I went to school with in Briercrest! -she didn't recognise me, but that's not the point- and we hung out and played dirty card games. They weren't supposed to be dirty, but I was playing, so naturally things took a shift to the dark side. Many a joke about immigrant weddings and awkward grannies were soon to follow!

The next day, I woke up bright and early (only to find out that Chaley likes to sleep, hmph.) so I got up and wandered around the apartment in circles until she got up and went across the street for coffee -YAY-. It was around then that I called to see if Josh was coming to the city from Brandon at all, and HE WAS ON HIS WAY! This was big. It was amazing, it was like a meteor about to crush earth, but that's bad and his coming was good. So I guess that made no sense whatsoever. Oh well.

Anyway, he decided I should go and stay with him that night and hang out there for St. Pattys and do some serious partying, which of course I agreed to on the spot (yay, Josh sleepovers!). So he and I went back to the mall (not wanting to waste even a half hour's shopping time) and then we headed to Brandon. It was great. I completely messed up my wrist that night, and have no idea how. He and I had long since fallen asleep on his bed, when we awoke to a huge group of people coming into his place (apparently his friend brought a party home, but then ditched) so we woke up (without thinking I went out in his pj bottoms... awkward!) and we partied for another few hours. It was pretty much the greatest.

I got up a little bit before him when his friends decided to come into his room and make icky jokes about our being in bed together (it's Josh, perfectly innocent, I swear, I turned down the advances, lol) and then they went back out to get high for the millionth time that day (they were still partying when we got up in the morning.. hardcores, yuck.) so Josh got up for class, and I hung out and spooned with random strangers for a few hours until he came back. Then I hopped onto the bus after hugging him until his eyes bled, and went back to the Peg.

From there there was a lot of sushi eating (deeeelicious), university snooping (guess who got to meet the teachers and chat up Lloyd Axworthy? Yeah that's right, me, he offered me admission.. woo hoo, too bad I don't wanna, lol) and then Chaley and I got done up and went out to a club where a cool band (Bend Sinister, they're great) were playing.

Needless to say I loved the music and zoned into it as Chaley and her fella kissed the night away. But afterwards when the shows were done, I went and was talking to the Bend Sinister band, and the lead singer and I got into a talk about thompson winter roads (apparently he finds them fascinating.. sign number one that I probably shouldn't continue the conversation, but oh well) and about an hour later (after he had gotten me another drink and such) he offered to walk me to the door, AND KISSED ME!

Yup, I've kissed the lead singer of a band on tv. I'm a groupie whore, oh dang. However, I must say, for a guy who likes winter roads more than the average person (aka a bit of a weirdo) he was a fantastic kisser! This continued until Chaley walked in on us -whoopsie- so I had to take off. It was a random time, but a fun time.

The next day I was hungover.

I did more shopping (of course) and met up with Cory and Tiff from camp, and we walked around and listened to Cory's awkward poop story (it's on facebook, you should read it, fantastic) and laughed for a while, until I went back to Chaley's place, and fell asleep. Then I took the bus home. And man, that's a story in itself!!!

They apparently now have security checks for the buses (so no one gets their heads lopped off, thank you Vince Lee... I still think his not going to prison is BS, even if the gangs would kill him within the week...) and I had to empty my pockets, and explain every little thing in my backpack. When the guy asked if I had a fork or anything, I explained I had chopsticks for my sushi (can ya tell I love it?) but that I wasn't intending to stab anything other than said sushi with my chopsticks. He thought it was hilarious, but I was being quite serious... I needed those chopsticks! Then I had to go through a metal scan, and the dude kept going over my crotch region (hello, I have a zipper, not a giant knife shoved up my woo-hoo... it's not that uncommon buddy, zippers happen) and finally let me go. I got on the bus, and go figure, more crying babies.

I didn't sleep, but got to Thompson and was welcomed by a lot of blustery snow and bitter weather. After sunny Winnipeg, I wasn't impressed.

Anyway, that's my trip! Now I'm back to mundane night shifts and apartment living. But I have wicked cool hot pink sunglasses, and some cool outfits that other Thompsonites don't have. So life is grand.

Love you all!

Because I don't feel like being tardy..

2009-03-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to Winnipeg tonight!

I'm so bloody excited for the trip, it's ridiculous. Staying at a friend's flat, pub crawling on St. Patties, Josh might be coming in (which would put me through the roof, I've missed that guy for sooo long now), and of course... shopping! SHOPPING! The shoes, the hot store clerks, the feel of cashmere sweaters.. *sigh* life is sweet.

Unfortunately I have a long dirty bus ride before I go. Not so fun, but eh, so long as I'm not the next random victim be-headed, I'm happy!

I can also fit my hair into pig tails again, it's slowly growing out! Oh boy!

Anyway, I'll update you all another time. Sabrina sucks.

Hello Again :o)

2009-03-07T03:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't updated in so long, it honestly feels like time flies sometimes! Just a month or so ago it was like a week could have been a year... and now, it's going by like crazy! Not that I mind, I'm going to Winnipeg in about a week and a half, and I can't wait. I'll get to see Chaley, I'm going for lunch with her and The president of the UofW (who is also the ex-Minister of Foreign Affairs in Canada, cool eh?) and I think it'll be a great time. I even get to see Bend Sinister live (they sound like a grunge rock band, I know, but they're actually pretty good.. a soft rock of sorts).

Anyway, here's some stuff that's going on: Bella, my kitten, is happily living in Snow Lake and annoying Peanut like it's no ones business, which I think is great. Dad shows me pictures now and then of them all snuggling into a little sun spot on the floor or sleeping on Mom's slippers, I think it's great the dogs and the kitten get along so well. I miss her though, I don't get to see her often, as she can't live in the apartment because it's not a pet-friendly building. *tear* She's the cutest little thing in the world though, and really mean to losers, which I approve of, lol.

Elisha is hoping to move into a 2-bedroom with me next month, she's starting up at Staples again, something about assistant Manager or something... which is awesome, because she'll be doing really well, and I can be in a bigger apartment, not that mine isn't a good size or anything. I'll like having the company, even if she is horribly messy and I'm a bit of a clean freak now. It'll all work out! Hopefully we can find something pet friendly so that I can have Bella back, I don't like having her so far away, and Mum says she misses me. I got her at 4-weeks, so she got REALLY attached to me because she was taken away from her Mom 2 weeks too young. But eh, who wouldn't get attached, I'm overly cuddly as it is! Haha.

Work is good. Stressful, but good. We're now INCREDIBLY short staffed. The only shifts I'm working all month (and I mean all month, as in at least 15 hours of overtime per paycheck) are nights, which tire me out quickly. I have trouble sleeping during the day, and have tried everything. It's to the point that I get run down and sick, and am considering getting sleeping pills because I can't run a month on 6 hours of sleep a week :(.

I also have a sad update, about Patsy who I had asked people to pray for. The lung cancer isn't curable, and the family is really torn up about it. I can only imagine going from being told I'm cancer free, to finding out that I have cancer spreading to the point there's no treating it, in a week and a half. Completely unfair. It's putting a lot of stress on my friends family, because Patsy and her husband will be living with them until they stop the chemo and she passes away, but it's costly and they're supporting her on their own. It breaks my heart, honestly. Cancer is a terrible thing.

Oh, I also have something all through the same breast I had the tumor taken out of this summer, but I don't have the time to go and get it check out. It is growing and spreading to other places in the breast though, which is definitely not a good sign. I know there is at least one tumor in there right now, which will obviously need to be removed as it hasn't passed like some of the others have. So let's hope this one is benign like the one this summer was, because I don't have the time or the money to be taking time off of work for more surgeries etc. Not to mention that we're too short for me to be able to take the time off for even a minor surgery (say like 2 weeks or so) without having a horrible effect on the few staff we have here, as they'd have to cover my shifts. That's what I meant by work being stressful, there isn't enough staff to cover the shifts, and we're scrambling to find time. I go from doing 7-8 straight night shifts (we're never supposed to do more than 4) to dayshifts the following day (ie: I'm done a night shift at 9am, and back here at either 2-3pm until 11pm). I'm getting run down, but trying to keep it together... please pray that I can keep up my ridiculous energy, haha, I need it!

Other than that.. well, I don't really have much news, if you thought all I did was work before, it's gotten even worse, lol. The only friend I consistently see these days is Sabrina, and that's because we work together and can grab coffee before or afterwards. I really miss being able to go out and stuff though, hopefully when we get more staff things will go back to normal. I miss seeing people and having hobbies. I haven't even been able to write in months, and THAT stresses me out!!!

Anyway, I miss you guys.
Lots of love and a BIG hug,
Beth

I need to start a prayer chain.

2009-02-18T15:29:00.000-08:00

Please pray for my friend's mother in law. She just finished a huge fight with breast cancer, had her breast removed in a painful surgery, and was told that the cancer was entirely gone. After about a week and a half (in which her entire family was VERY relieved and happy with the news) they found what they thought was an infection in her lung.

As this meant she couldn't start her chemotherapy, they checked it out. And it turned out to be lung cancer. Please, PLEASE pray for her. She's a beautiful, strong woman, but after being told it was finished, it was heartbreaking for her to hear this news. Her family is not ready for this, and they're all having a very difficult time.

Please pray that the family finds calm and peace through this, and that the cancer can be treated. Also pray that she's in very little pain through the procedure. The cancer is a level 3 out of 4 invasive. Thank you guys sooo much, pass on the news, and again, PLEASE remember to pray for her. They really need the prayers right now.

Love you guys!

PS: Her name is patsy.

Just thinking I suppose.

2009-02-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

I realised last night that I have no idea what I want. I know what sort of things I like, what sort of things make me happy.. what make me sad, what I absolutely cannot stand, and what can give me the willies because it just seems to right. But I have absolutely no idea what I want.

This time last year I had decided I wanted to do some teaching, writing, travelling.. you know, the usual Humanities studying student ideal. But thinking about it, I realised I did NOT want to teach (don't get me wrong, some enjoy it.. I don't.) writing is obviously still such a passion that it can bring me to tears when I'm frustrated with writers block, and I know it always will be... and travelling, yes I want to see the world, but I don't feel it's a necessity right now.

I want to study the classics, basically just dabble in Humanities until I've had my fill, I don't know if I even have the guts to stick to one specific degree (outside of the Italian studies, if I ever get around to it). I'm really indecisive. Maybe that's part of why I don't know what I want anymore? But then, at the same time, I've never felt quite so free as I have in not knowing what I want. It leaves it up to the wind. I might meet someone who'll knock me flat on my ass, and I could fall madly in love and end up a house wife making grilled cheese sandwiches and reading the paper. Or I could stay single forever, do some writing, have the occasional fun date, and just enjoy the time I get to spend in the now.

It's something I'm coming to like, the now.

It's scary too though, not having any idea. Any plans. I used to try and plan out my future like I would a grocery list. Things I'd see, things I'd do, people I'd keep and ones I wouldn't mind letting fall aside. But I don't think that's even living... that's just planning for a future that'll bend and shape itself no matter WHAT you've written down. Haha, it's so strange.

For all I know, I may very well try to go zorbing down some giant hill, end up a quadrapoligic in the very house I work in right now, lol. Or a flaming homo, haha. Gosh, wouldn't THAT be interesting!

Anyway, that's just what's been going through my head lately. I can't decide if I'm fully happy with it or not, but it feels nice to just be out with it. Not the flaming homo thing, I'm not being out about that, hahaha.. but the freedom of being fine with having absolutely no clue, or care, about what's coming. But no matter what, I'll keep you posted :).

Much love,
Beth

Winter Depression anyone?

2009-01-28T00:19:00.000-08:00

I admit it, I'm a firm believer in winter depression. The "Winter Blah" whatever you call it. Some say it doesn't happen. Let me tell you, those people undeniably live in places like Florida, or Costa Rica, where it's sunny and warm, and the muscular men can walk around topless all they want, without the terrible blackening effects of frostbite. For those of us living in Thompson, it's inevitable. The weather is shitty, and so is my mood.

Then again, it may also be the small but continuously piling changes that I now call my current life. Honestly, a year ago today, life was so much simpler! Now don't get me wrong, I adore life as I currently know it, but dang, it's gotten strange. Living on my own I've become lonely. I've now solved that problem, but can't technically talk about it on here (ask me if you dare, muahaha, but be prepared to keep a BIG secret!). And I'm outrageously hooked on coffee, lol. It gets me through life, my little cup of happiness. Mmm..

So yesterday was awful, I woke up around 4am, and was throwing up.. not just the usual "ooh I feel sick, I'm going to get sick once or twice" but to the point that I was passing out on the floor, and waking up still givin' er. I actually caught myself choking once or twice. It really was awful. I had to call in sick, for the first time yet, at work, and I felt terrible. Someone from work came by to take me to the hospital, and she said I was green. I thought maybe she meant in a sexy martian type of way, but judging by the disgusted looks of the other people in the waiting room, I'm guessing maybe not. That and the fact that there were open seats beside and around me, yet perfect strangers took to eachothers laps rather than take up the ever so infectious air around me, lol. Jerks! I needed love, not a quarantine!

However, I waited -I believe it was 4.5 hours to be precise- in the smelly room for the doctor, and when I finally got there, he asked me what I had eaten (I didn't dare tell him it was food I made for myself, go figure) and he said I probably had food poisoning. Hmph. Violently ill, and on top of if I'm a terrible cook! But he gave me gravol and told me to stay in bed for two days. So I took the pills, fell asleep, and am back to work today. Feeling sore, too weak to open doors on my own (embarassing, yes) but making mula all the same! Hurrah! Can't hold me down baby!

Anyway, I'm sorry that my life is so boring these days. Honestly, all I ever do is work. I hang out with people from work. Well, a person and her adorable daughter. And occasionally Debbie, if we can catch lunch around the same time. I really need to get my life back in order. I'm such a hermit! On the plus side, I've read about 8 decent books this month alone, and have once again perfected the art of a) the perfect bubble bath.. a loner's delight, and b) the french manicure for my toes. So at least I'm a wonderful smelling and decently pampered and pretty toe-d hermit!

I also have another thing to admit. I smoke. Ack, I said it! I don't do it constantly, it all started because I was bored, and everyone at work does it. And it was originally only the little flavored ones, but I've graduated to actual cigarettes. I'm terrible. But I'm not hooked, I still get the head rushes and feel gross. It's just a way to pass time. And besides, if I do it with a little glass of wine, I feel like those cool writers with their black and white profile shots on the back of pretty novels. I'm such a nut case. Oh well.

PS: I'm so in love with my little apartment, as un-decorated as it still is.. that I'm tempted to NOT have elisha move in with me and into a two-bedroom apartment, and just continue with my boring little one-bedroomed life. Thoughts?

Oh men...

2009-01-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

Alright, so needless to say, abs ended up being a bit of a flop. Sure he had the kind of stomach one finds in Calvin Klein underwear commercials, and yes, he makes a lot of money and has cute guinea pigs. But he was majorly lacking in a few other things, a) control over his party lifestyle, like really, cocaine? b) literacy - he thought tactile meant he worked with tiles, puh-lease, and c) maturity. Needless to say, he'll be a great friend, but I couldn't ever be with him. Being stuck in a highschool mindset is not my thing.

Apparently I've charmed another older guy though. I met "S" at a friend's house party, and although he's 31 (I think, I might be off by a year, lol) he thought I was sweet and also quite smart despite being so much younger than him. Now he's interested and trying to get my number, lol. I doubt much of anything would happen with S though, because that's a pretty intense age difference, and even though I like older guys, I barely know him. Mind you, we're friends with the same people, so given some time, who knows?

I've successfully gotten rid of the Calm air guy, he doesn't bother me anymore, which is nice, though there is still a girl trying to get me to date her. Despite my continually pointing out how much I ADORE men. Ugh, lol. Go figure when I'm really not looking anymore, I suddenly get put on the radar. Maybe it's a mental thing that sends off signals "I'm not intersted... therefore I'm sexy."

Anyway, I'm in the apartment, which while I love it, can be a tad lonely now and then. So I think I'll get a little pet sometime. I'm not entirely sure what, but it'd be nice to have a little companion. Maybe I'll get a live in, lol. "Hey you, yeah you, the hot one, wanna come live with me? All I ask is you cook for me, and give me intelligent conversation!" Haha, if only.

Work has been getting a little bit overwhelming, which is why it'll be nice to go down to the cabin-home for a few days. 3 years and over a million dollars later, my family has pretty much finished it! Mind you some of the finer details aren't done, but the house itself is, and we're moved in, and it's liveable! Too bad I don't get to enjoy it, haha. Oh life. But I'm thinking a few days with the lake, skidoo, maybe some ice fishing, and sitting by our enormous fireplace will be awesome, not to mention just seeing the family and having some wine and good suppers. I'm excited. Though I'm definitely going to miss a few people around here, lol.

Anyway, I hope this was a decent enough blog *cough CLAIRE* and I'm sure I'll post again while I'm at the cabin. I love you all, BIIIG hug!

Beth

Resolutions;

2008-12-30T22:12:00.000-08:00

So as I do every year, I've chosen a couple of resolutions that I'm hoping to stick to. Usually I end up choosing something close to 50 "little ways to improve life in general" type things, anything from "no kissing" -ha, yeah RIGHT - to "do 150 crunches per day". But this year I decided to do it differently.

For one thing, I limited myself to 5. For another, they're all things that I basically do on a regular basis now, but that I've decided I'd like to make into a constant habit and thereby be able to integrate into daily life.

***Oh, another quick update, I'm sort of seeing someone. A gorgeous someone, who looks like a calendar guy when his shirt is off, and it's fantastic. Seriously, he's got abs like it's nobody's business, meaning I'm falling madly in like with him. ***

Back on track: Resolutions. I wont be writing them out for everyone to see either, because technically, it's no one's business. But I'm excited to see how it turns out. I'm also officially moved into my apartment, starting to decorate bit by bit (there are a lot of things that need to be bought, or brought up from Snow Lake before it'll actually look like home for me, but that's alright). My kitchen is basically done, which is awesome, as it was the part that was inevitably going to take the longest.

Other than that, nothing is new at all. Except for my guy, who we'll call abs.

I found the Secret to Happiness and Contentment::

2008-12-17T20:51:00.000-08:00

"Walk in the rain, jump in mud puddles, collect rocks, rainbows, and roses, smell flowers, blow bubbles, stop along the way, build sand castles, say 'hello' to everyone, go barefoot, go on adventures, act silly, fly kites, have a merry heart, talk with animals, sing in the shower, read childrens' books, take bubble baths, get new sneakers, hold hands and hug and kiss, laugh and cry for the health of it, wonder and wander around, feel happy and precious and innocent, feel sacred, feel sad, feel mad, give up worry and guilt and share, say yes, say no, say magic words, ask lots of questions, ride bicycles, draw and paint, see things differently, fall down and get up again, look at the sky, watch the sun rise and the sun set, watch clouds and name their shapes, watch the moon and stars come out, trust the universe, stay up late, day dream, do nothing and do it very well, learn new stuff, be excited about everything, be a clown, enjoy having a body, listen to music, find out how things work, make up new rules, tell stories, save the world, make friends with the other kids on the block, and do anything else that brings more happiness, celebration, health, love, joy, creativity, pleasure, abundance, grace, self esteem, courage, balance, spontaneity, passion, beauty, peace, relaxation, communication, life and energy, to all living beings on this planet." Bruce Williamson, 1987.

Seriously guys, this is it.

I feel like a mute...

2008-12-12T02:55:00.000-08:00

I really do. And I feel so bad because of it. Honestly, my life is beginning to dwindle. I know it's to be expected, technically speaking I'm potentially starting a career, and because we're short staffed, my overtime is just through the roof. But it's still weird. I'm used to having the time to do things like talk about boys, or just sit down for a bit and write. But instead, my time off is generally spent figuring out bill payments, or planning for the apartment, or trying to find a few extra hours of sleep. Adult life sucks, haha, but I love it so much. As hard as it is to pull this many hours and have this much responisibility, at the end of the day, it feels great. It's sort of like the last bits of being a teenager are stripped away. I am woman, hear me groan. Lol.

I don't really know what to write about. Work is in a bit of a routine right now, except that the residents (some of them anyway) will be leaving for home soon. I'll be working Christmas and Boxing day for sure, and on the day of the big Christmas party, so that'll be eventful and fun. I like that I'll get to spend Christmas with them though, I'm coming to really love everyone in this house, and it'll sort of feel like I'm spending the special day with people close to me. Which I appreciate, otherwise I'd have been awfully lonely!

I think the next couple of weeks will be interesting. For one thing I'm going to be poor as dirt, lol. Between paying the rent for the house I'm in now, paying my damage deposit and the first month's rent for the apartment, AND paying for the utilities... I probably wont even be able to afford to put minutes on my phone! It's really stressing me out, but at the same time, I'm thinking it will all work out. If all else fails, I'll sub during the day on the times I work night shifts. I'll be tired, but able to afford the things I need. Right?

I've been sort of sick lately. It's weird, I don't have any symptoms of the flu or a cold or ANYTHING. But I can't hold solid food down. I haven't gotten to eat in about 5 days, anything I do I end up throwing up within a couple of hours. I'm thinking it's from stress, or maybe something to do with the gall bladder... but really, if it were the gall bladder, I'd be in a lot of pain, haha. So I'm going with stress. Either way, it should go away soon, I'm hoping. I'm tired of water and apple sauce, lol.

Not going to lie though, I'm all smiles on the outside... but right now is a stressful and tiring time. I can't wait for it to all just be done.

I've craved tea all day.

2008-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Normally all I want is coffee, but the last few days the only things to bring any satisfaction are tea. Strange how these things happen. However, I've been itching to get my hands on this blog and do some updating. Even if no one gets to read it because it's busy at school. I don't care, I just want to type.

I started another book. Yep, that's right, now I have 3 on the go. It's sort of a variation from the romance one I had tried that unfortunately got wiped from my computer. I'm enjoying it though, I've been finding inspiration for it everywhere.

Speaking of inspiration for romance...

I'm sort of seeing someone. He's about 6'3", has a great job, a super hot European car (and yes, European cars have 4x4... perfect for Thompson winters), and is really intelligent. He also has a sweet nerdiness to him that I just adore. Ugh the music playing on t.v. is awful, it's a black guy trying to be all muslim, and do the weird voice thing where it tremors in all the wrong ways. Puh-lease... just stop. Anyway, I've gone out on a couple of dates with him, and will be going out again tomorrow. We're really liking eachother so far, he keeps mentioning that it "doesn't feel like he's with someone who's only twenty" when he's with me, how nice... then again, when I'm not with younger people I generally relax a bit more, haha.

He's great and fun though, so we'll see... maybe it'll turn into a relationship, maybe it'll be a few dates that never really lead to more than a few nice goodnight kisses. Which by the way he's given, hurrah, I've finally gotten to kiss.

I'm finally finding some things I really don't enjoy at work. Sadly it has little to do with the job itself, and more to do with the co-workers. Two of them are so lazy it makes me want to pull out my hair. Honestly, on a night shift, you come in, and have 10 hours where you're completely alone (everyone is asleep) and all you have to do is clean. The cleaning isn't difficult at all, it just takes some time. Then again, you've got 10 hours to yourself. But these two manage to do next to nothing, and watch about 7-8 hours of t.v. Seriously, it's pathetic. If I were the manager, I'd be desperate to find someone new so I could kick their lazy asses out. Oh, and one of them, after doing nothing and leaving the house an unkempt mess, likes to act like she runs the place. I want to run her over.

Now that I've let that little rant out... I'll talk about the weather. Because it's interesting. Today the snowflakes were so thick and heavy that they coated my lashes and started to force my eyelids down. How much does that suck?! For someone to walks EVERYWHERE, this much snow at once, and a big temperature drop, weren't the best news. I froze, I think my cheeks are leathery from frostbite. I'm inevitably going to leave Thompson not because it's a rotten sink hole that drags people in and holds some of the worst people I've ever met in my life... but because the weather is awful. The rest can be ignored, but having asthma attacks because it's so damn cold... that's just stupid.

I'm going to do some real writing, this isn't cutting it for me.

Ballet Shoes

2008-11-14T01:17:00.000-08:00

I'm at work, a usual night shift... and as I'm incredibly bored I'm watching a movie called Ballet Shoes. It's actually really sweet, I think it's a cute movie and good for passing time, though I can't see it becoming a particular favorite or anything. So here I am, with my Tims... and it dawned on me that I haven't updated this in quite a while, haha.

I'm getting my first ever apartment come January, I'm really happy about it. I mean, everyone has their "meagre beginnings" with these sort of things, and I'll be eating Indian style (no table, lol) for a bit I'm sure... but still, my own apartment! I've already started a mini stockpile of things I'm sure I'll need, from dishes to cleaning supplies. And soon I'll not only be making a grocery list, but also looking into buying a new bed! And a coffeemaker, ofcourse. Lol.

I'm really starting to get comfortable with my job here. The newness has worn off and now I'm completely adjusted to the routine. Though I still get confused with how to fill out the time sheet and what exactly the "shift schedule" is, apparently there's a pattern... but I still haven't found one... maybe it's a figure 8 with a spider leg or two? Lol. Anyway, the clients are all comfortable with me now, and a few have even mentioned that I'm their favorite, which I thought was really sweet and flattering, though honestly, it's because I'm a pushover and they know they can get away with little things when I'm around :$.

This Christmas I wont be seeing my family. I'm actually working Christmas Day, and for pretty much all but a day or two of the actual break. So I've decided that I'll ask for a few days off in January and go down to Snow Lake with my presents for the family then. It'll be a lot less stressful for me and them trying to work out a "pickup/drop off" schedule, though it's going to be sad to be alone on Christmas. But I guess everyone has their first Christmas away from home eventually right? So this one will be mine!

Other than this there's honestly nothing new, I'm working pretty much constantly because we're so short staffed, but I like the paychecks and the overtime, lol. And as soon as I get the slightest chance I'm going to Winnipeg. There's a tattoo, an actual ring for my nose rather than a stud, and a jacket waiting for me! Not to mention a few good-looking fellas that I'm sure I'll bump into... accidently of course ;).

I love you guys, and hope that you're not stressing to death with final papers and preps for your finals!

Beth

I saw a blue-jean slipcover for a couch...

2008-10-26T01:21:00.000-07:00

And the worst part was, it was a new release! Cindy Crawford has been smoking something or other, because it looked like it belonged in the trailer of a tye-dyed hippie! It was disgusting! However, near bye was a very cute and stylish little cozy leather plush chair. It was brown and slightly distressed looking and had little studs, I fell in love and have decided to get something similar when I get my apartment!

I still can't believe I'm getting an apartment. Finally, my own home. Lol, it's going to be amazing, and I'm going to be so weirded out... but still, it's going to rock. I can have my own little parties, and have my own little liquor cabinet where things can gather dust, but still look classy! I'm so excited, seriously.

I'm in the middle of my night shift, again. It's when I usually get this sort of stuff done. Updates and what-not. I love it here, I'm staying another year and a half for sure just to work at this job. Because I realised that if ever I left, I'd regret it. That's right, if I went to Briercrest *place of happiness and joy!* I'd miss this place even more. That's saying something darlings!

I've been learning how to cook! I helped make quiche the other day, and have made rice, and although I was always good at making salads, now I make them even better! This morning I'll be making the guys "bacon and eggers" which should be interesting, and hopefully a good kind of interesting!

Unfortunately I don't have any exciting updates, I've been working since last wednesday and until this coming wednesday I don't have a day off, and on my day off I'm running around looking for an apartment, lol... and then I go back to work again for another week. Tiring, but oh so good. Like sex, well, I don't know, but I'm guessing.

Anyhow, I love you all!

"You are the cheese to my macaroni"

2008-10-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

Isn't that a cute line? And cheesy, haha.

So I'm working my first ever night shift. So far it's completely uneventful. I've watched a re-run of Gerard Butler on a talk show - goodness he's a good looking fellow - and done some sweepind, mopping, and general note taking on Connie's oxygen mask wearing. Knucke busting, I know. So I'm trying to keep myself busy, therefore making the night go a bit faster and I wont get as sleepy! Mind you, I've downed an extra-large and a large double double from Tims in the first hour here, and am still riding the high!

I love this job. I'm going to talk about it for a bit. I'm a support worker at the main residence home. It's the only one with 24/hour "care and supervision". I basically come here, say Hi to everyone and get a couple of hugs - life is awesome - and help make supper *aka leave the room so no one gets hurt* and spend the evening with the 8 people living in the house. We go for coffee, there's bowling night, there's Friday night movies... and a lot of laughing. I mean, yes people have tantrums and throw fits, yes there's drama - hello, it's a house full of women! - and yes, I have to learn how to give a needle and I do bloodwork a couple of times during an evening shift. But I love this place. I don't want to leave, lol... I've found something that I can't get enough of, despite how much it can leave you wanting a completely silent room for an hour afterwards, haha.

I miss being able to write papers. So I have this fun idea... you guys, being the wonderful friends you are, should give me a cool topic, and I'll write a mini paper on it! That way I'll have something to do to keep me from watching movies and getting obese... and I can have voluntary writing practice any time I feel like it! Because sitting down and writing stories, as much as I loooove it and want to do it forever, can get a tad boring. So yeah. Nothing ridiculous though, I mean, something cool. Like the Nephilim. I did an entire paper from biblical times through until today on how Nephilim could have created the original giants that still walk on our ever-depleting planet! And then woke up to realise that it didn't apply and quickly wrote something about how Christ's death was necessary.

I think someone is on the stairs. I need to go chase them back to their room!

False alarm. Anyway... I also hope to get my tattoo by Christmas. I've decided that if I keep overthinking it, I'm never going to do it. And what the hell, I like spontaneity, and don't do it much lately. Other than the nose piercing - which is currently infected and causing me pain -. I also tried Buckleys for the first time today. And because I've seen so many commercials of the faces people make, I stole Nicole's camera and set it up so I could see if I made a face. A) the medicine itself looks like thick but runny poop. B) You put it in your mouth and half this half second of "wow, it's not that bad" then WHAM-O you're down for the count. That stuff is GROSS! But yeah, needless to say I loved watching my face... as I pretty much choked!

Anyway, I love you all.
G'morning,
Beth

Secondhand Serenade::

2008-10-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

I found this great acoustic singer today, he goes under the name Secondhand Serenade, and his stuff is super pretty. I also watched Surf's Up, and thought it was ridiculous, but there was this cute little penguin who called a bigger one a "dirty trashbag full of poop", and it was amazing.

Anyway... my life! I was right, Shakespeare (he totally didn't deserve to be called Shakespeare, that would require being capable of reading and writing, lol, ok I'm being mean) called to break up with me, but it's alright. I'm guessing that as it didn't take me long to get over him, it's a sign that he was a pretty shoddy guy to begin with! Besides, he had a horrible way of smelling awful a lot, lol, and I'm a fan of hygiene.. clearly it wouldn't have worked out.

I'm working full time at the Juniper Center, and love every minute of it. The people, the coffee runs, the workers... it's just amazing. And the pay doesn't hurt either, lol. I never stop laughing when I'm at work, and I get paid to go sit in coffee shops or go bowling! Don't get me wrong though, there are tougher parts to the job, they are just the parts I can't talk about as there is a confidentiality thing.

I started another little story - I know, ANOTHER one.. ugh. - called Mr. Buttons. It's a short story though, maybe 5-8 pages, and it wont be super fictional, it's going to be non-fiction. I like it so far, lol. Maybe I'll put it on here when I'm finished, if anyone's interested and promises not to sell it off for cash. Just kidding... ish. Has anyone ever listened to bubbletoes by Jack Johnson? If not, do it, it's awesome.

I'm sort of all over the place right now... and cleaning my room, this was my "before I do the last thing so I can leave and feel like I've done something today other than stay in bed" procrastination! I feel horrible for waiting like 2 weeks to update.

Loooove you all!

PS: I'm for sure not going to school next year, and whether it's straight out of Canada or walking and getting an apartment with Elisha for a bit to pay for getting straight out of Canada, I don't know yet, but you guys will when I do!

Acoustics of the mind;

2008-09-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally finished reading Blue Like Jazz, and I have to say that it was fantastic! Not at all what I expected it to be, which normally would mean it was awful, but I loved how fresh and in your face it was. And somehow I hadn't ever even heard of Reed, strange, I know. But now I want to visit it, just to say I've been there. I'll go to the library and do something... daring. I've turned my window into a bookshelf, I really like it here in the Saindon's house. Carolynn and Nicole, your house is awesome, I really don't think I could've found a better place to stay!

As for other updates, I really don't have too many. Despite my not wanting to, I'm going to have to get a cell phone, just to make it easier for the school board to get in touch with me for teaching in the mornings and such, in case I'm out for a few minutes. I'm also going to take a trip to Winnipeg, although I don't know when yet. Oh, and Elisha and I are going to get our noses pierced! One of these days she'll just up and ask me, and I'll say yes, and then I'll have a new little piercing. I'm so nervous, but in a good way!

I've come to the conclusion that within the next few years, I want to get out of here. By here I mean North America. I'm getting tired of having to put off all these plans. Unfortunately, there are responsibilities like school and future employment to consider. Hmph. Mom thinks I should just go, she supports me in wanting to go and learn the languages in a few of the native places, which would mean geting a work visa and spending approximately a year in each of the places. I'd get to make money to support myself (on top of what I'd have brought), learn the language, interact with the people and learn an unimaginable amount of cool things, and potentially find a wonderful husband with an accent to sweep me off of my feet. There are really no downsides!

On another note... I think "Shakespeare" is moving on. Which hurts a little bit, I sort of figured it would happen... once he left Snow Lake and I wasn't the only person around anymore, the feelings would wane. But it still hurts nonetheless. Maybe I'm wrong though, I guess we'll see. I'm just bloody sick of being the upgrade girl, the one you're with until something better shows up. It makes me want to refuse to date anyone, EVER. Claire, convince me to stay away from mankind, it'd really solve a lot of life's problems. :(

Boarder.. of the home type; not surfing. Heh.

2008-09-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm officially moving out of my house! Technically this is quite cool, as other than going to school I've never gotten to move out before. What a momentous occasion! I get to move in with the Saindons (Nickels??) and I'm ridiculously pumped!!! I'll be substitute teaching again full-time, and working at the Juniper Center, which I think will be a great and rewarding job; it's something I've always wanted to try too! So tomorrow morning I'm off, maybe something huge will happen, like my eyelashes will go black or I'll grow an inch taller! Haha, as if.

Other than that... I have updates, but can't give them yet.. sorry. I'm listening to a super awesome song, Nine in the Afternoon by Panic! at the Disco.. it's pretty much amazing. "Cool Beans" as Tracey would say - she's my fellow gangster, word.- I like their new album, it's very different from the overdone punk scene they stepped into (even though they conquered it, no one could beat them!). I'd suggest ye' give it a listen!

Anyway.. I don't actually have much to talk about, haha. Our house is getting done really quickly, we'll start painting in a few days, the ceiling wood is all done, the cementboard crap is all laid out, and the drywalling has been done for a few days. It's also nice not to have so many random contractors all up in my house, taking up the bathroom space when I want to do my hair, etc! Don't shake your head Claire, I'm serious, I need my space to do my hair.. I've got bony elbows!

I love you all and will think of something exciting to write soon.

Such as now: I have a boob scar, and it makes me look like a wicked awesome Pirate. Arr.

First update in ages!

2008-08-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm sorry for not writing on here more often, things have been somewhat stressful and hectic, between building our home across the street, work, and a boyfriend... my head gets all caught up in a whirlwind and things like a blog are easily forgotten!

However... I have no clue what to talk about on here today :S. Hmmm...

I guess I'll write about God, that's always a good start right? Lately I've felt bad because I haven't been keeping up with my prayer and devotional life (the number one most common thing people say EVER I know.. haha), but I really do feel bad. After school I sort of figured that I'd keep on top of these things, I mean, some crazy growth happened there... and I feel like I've been doing some shrinking! I think I need to remember to keep God before things like my man, and to just give up the stresses like work and money to Him; let's face it, He can handle it! I still struggle with being too independent though, it's hard to not try and work through those sorts of issues on my own.

I realize that I need to get a different job, the Willow just doesn't cut it. I found out that I'm being paid the same amount as the 14 yr old part timers, which made me pretty upset. And I'm working 3 hours shifts, which isn't good enough right now, as I should have been able to easily make $4,000 this summer, and in all honesty, I've barely made $1,500. Then again, I've had to take off more time than usual, between totalling the van, surgery and medical trips, etc etc etc.

I guess maybe I'd like some prayer that I'll be able to figure all of this stuff out... otherwise I don't think I'll be going to school in January, haha. I'll just have to work through the entire year and then start fresh at Toronto, though I really don't want to do that, I really want to take the courses at Briercrest first, they'll help out SO much. My caps lock key is broken. Ugh. Maybe I just have a weak pinky finger...

In other news.. Sandon left around 4:45 am today to go and do his album in Saskatchewan, and I'm definitely going to miss him! Not only am I in a relationship with him... he's also the only person in all of Snow Lake I hang out with, everyone else drinks and sleeps around and do a lot of things that I honestly don't want to be around or involved in. Not that I'm mean to them... on the contrary, I laugh and joke with them whenever I run into them... but I really don't want to go to the bar every night, or know who's the best person to sleep with in town. I think Snow Lake needs a cafe... or something. Anyway, I'm going to miss him a lot... and I hope everything goes really well, he has all of his musicians lined up, and the photographer for his album shoot and what not... I'm just excited for the CD, he'd better give me a free one!

And last but not least.. I get my stitches out today! I should've gotten them out about a week ago, but noooo.. I had to wait for Mom and Dad to go to Winnipeg first (and they completely forgot to pick up my sweaters from Old Navy, the darlings.) so it's long overdue! I hope the scar isn't too bad... but eh, at the same time.. not many people can brag about the scar I have! And I've started another book, at the moment I'm not sure how to kill off a few of the characters in Amnesin during the war scene I'm writing, and as it's the finale, I want it to seem somewhat epic and really gruesome when they die... so instead I'm starting a different book while I wait for a grand idea to come to me, haha.

Ciao bellas... and gentlemen?

A nor-so-good Update... sorry folks.

2008-07-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, this week we found a noticable lump in my right breast. I remember finding one in the same area before (for the life of me I can't remember when then, I figured it was nothing!) but it was a lot smaller, meaning that it's grown since then. So I decided to let Mom know, and she said we had to go to the clinic the next morning, which we did...

The doctor (who was Scottish, and though old, it was still almost wonderful to have a Scottish man in the room, even if he was feeling me up and such, lol) felt around, and said that it has to come out immediately. I'm having an ultrasound done on my chest on Monday (no squishy painful mammograms for me! They said it was because they don't like to do it on people as young as me, but really, I think I'm too small to fit between the two plates, hurrah!), and then they'll run the tests to see if it's cancerous or not. I don't really feel like it's real at all, so far it seems like just another checkup. I'm hoping that it's nothing though, and I'm sure it will be... I mean, as if I'd get cancer, it's WAY too common. If anything, I'll someday contract elephantitis of the earlobes and then get leprosy, lol, that'd do the trick!

Anyway, just so everyone knows, I'll be having surgery soon (for the biopsy) and will keep people posted on the results, which I'm sure will be awesome! No worries folks :)

Trying to wrap my head around all of this,

2008-07-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

the last few days I've spent a lot of time thinking about God. There were definitely a few things that stuck out more to me than others, mainly considering Christ as a lover (something that was very new to me) and why, after so many years of learning about God in almost every way shape or form, I still have so much trouble giving in completely.

After reading my youth pastor's blog (Brandon Milan, he's a wicked smart guy!), I started to notice that I really liked the John Piper quotes and pieces he had posted, and decided to check out their website for myself. This morning I came upon this in an article:

2. Two persons with radically different
personalities and backgrounds may have more or fewer obstacles to overcome in
the process of sanctification. Therefore, the one with fewer obstacles may
respond in godly ways to less truth, while the one with more obstacles may
struggle more, even though he has more truth.

3. A person with much truth may lag behind in
godliness because there are hindrances that arise between the truth in the mind
and the response of the heart to that truth. These hindrances may include loss
of memory; ease of distraction; blind spots that keep one from seeing how a
truth applies to a long-held pattern of behavior; mental disorders (mild or
profound) that create disconnects between thoughts and volitions; confusion and
ignorance about the way sanctification is meant to work; or hidden rebellion of
the heart that covers itself with a veneer of orthodoxy.
(desiringgod.org)

For some reason it struck a bit of a chord with me; I think because it actually offered me the hint of an answer! I'd consider myself to fall under the category of a person with "much truth", I already know there are hinderances between my mind and the response of my heart. A large one being that I've been spoon fed the gospel my entire life, and rather than being allowed to discover it and find it for myself, I've always had to simply accept what is told to me, and try and apply it directly. Clearly that doesn't actually work! So now, the last year and a half or so has been spent trying to erase much of the knowledge I have gained and had tattooed onto my mind since childhood, so that there will be room for the new findings I have. There is just one little problem, the new information often clashes or doesn't sit well with many of the things I was taught growing up!!!

So automatically there is something in my mind that seems to say "this cannot be true, it goes against ______ and ______ Bethany." . Whereas my heart wants to say "Leave those other thoughts behind, learn this for yourself and decide through the word if it is true or not!"... this is so confusing!

I always find myself wishing that I hadn't been raised in a Christian home; hadn't always spent every Sunday in church having "the basics" molded into my mind. Oh how lucky the people are who get to discover Christ and a life in Him on their own! Without having all these predetermined ideals (not all of which are wrong by the way, they just make applying new things VERY difficult at times) rooted in their minds. Maybe this is one of my larger trials, maybe God wants to see if I have what it takes to break out of the mold I've allowed myself to be fitted nicely into, and actually discover life in Him, rather than life n a Church? To actually live, rather than to merely watch?

Anyway.. those are my thoughts for the morning. Enjoy! I'm off to have another cup of Coffee.. sugary brown goodness :)

Thinking of Him as a lover;

2008-07-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

I feel as though you are a whispered secret,
always just a breath away from my straining ear.
Occasionally I feel the warm breath of promise,
feather light against my skin. Tantilizing.
I wake up and find small, beautiful gifts.
A small flower outside my window, butterflies dancing in the grass just outside.
You are trying to win over my heart,
Oh Lord; you desperately seek to see me swoon.
Fall desperately and entirely in love with you; at times I feel as though I will.
Showing me your might, fires blazing, thunder roaring;
as you show me the raw strength you possess, you can take care of me. I'm in awe.
Yet you have a softer side; sensitive, the sound of lapping water, a warm breeze to caress my skin.
I long to be in your arms, safe and loved beyond anything imagined!
You work ceaselessly for my heart Jesus, why am I so unable?
Earthly lovers taint my eyes, draw me blindly into their lustful chambers to steal my precious heart...
How can I find you, my love, my life?
How can you still want me?
When once I was unscarred and beautiful,
I am now blackened.
A reflection of the untainted child I had been.
The whips used to keep me broken,
desperate for love that couldnt be found in that darkened maze;
they have scarred my skin, and branded me as a corrupted sinner.
When once a glow of hope and unbreakable captivation with you, my Lord, my Lover,
when once it shone beautifully from me...
Now it bleakly releases a sliver of light, concealed beneath the scars laid on too heavily to release me!
Lover, beautiful thief of my heart,
will you rescue me?
Show me again that I am your everything,
That you yearn to have me eternally,
and that even tainted and ugly, you find me beautiful.
That you want to restore your love within me?
You truly are my only hope... Jesus. My only.
Will you see past the woman I became,
kiss the places so scarred by life and torment,
and allow new skin to blossom, pale and beautiful. Clean.
Woo my heart dear Savior, pull me in, seduce me with the promise of forever.
It is true that there is no comparison,
As a man, you are everything, as a God, you are everything.

Largest Update of all time... or not.

2008-07-02T21:42:00.001-07:00

So, apparently snapping fingers can be rather distracting; who knew? We all learn interesting facts now and again. Such as fireflies like to sit on my window and randomly glow brightly in my face when I want to sleep, it's a beautiful thing... and makes me want to kill it. Oh life.

Shakespeare (Claire, you'll understand, lol) is something different altogether. I've been doing some "reading" lately, and came to the conclusion of the book. Literally, it's done. Thinking to myself I realised there are just too many little problems. I felt like I was taking a step back in my "reading" relationship.. rather than a step forwards. It was just so highschool! Like, in the sauna? REALLY? Ok, needless to say, we're done now, it's all good. Life can mooove on. *note to others: he's a great guy, don't judge him, he's just not the one for me. So I didn't want to get into it (to make a long Shakespeare story short, lol).

Other than that, life around here is slowly returning to normal. Or at least as normal as it can be, considering that I'm living in a garage-home that has more animal heads than human... bartending (without a license, heh) and watching people pass out and throwing ice cubes at them to see if they wake up (they never do!!) and being hit on by old men with saggy tattoos. *sigh* this will be such a cool summer!

PS: Because of cranky pants Shakespeare being a bit of a mood ruiner, I've had to miss the fireworks. The only good thing that happens in this town, seriously. G'night all! Much love!

Thoughts that I need to get out of my head?

2008-05-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

After this weekend I feel like I have a million and two thoughts and things going through my head; Simonhouse always does this though.

For one thing, how can we choose to feel like we're being "persecuted" about something, anything really, especially if it's something we know we shouldn't do as Christians, if we aren't constantly making a conscious effort to stop ourselves from doing it? Everyone struggles yes, but when you think about it, as a Christian, if we have a struggle, we should be consciously working against that struggle, c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y. But we get so defensive when someone (we'll use the example of a friend or parent or church member) calls us on it, acting like we're being picked on.

Another thing is this: why are there so many people that choose to look down their nose at someone, when they themselves aren't really a person at all? They simply copy those around them, trying to conform to something they like, without ever being a person on their own. And what happens to them, like, in the future. When they have to finally make a stand and start life on their own, without parents to tell them what to do, to make things happen for them, without friends to mirror and other people's ideas to take on as their own? And is anything even original? Honestly, I don't think so. Everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g has been done already. Plagerism doesn't exist, because how can we possibly write a sentence that hasn't been written by some unknown author within the last 6-8000 years, by one of the trillions of people that have swarmed and thought and written before us?

Ugh, my head is so full right now. I don't want to write it out. But I do.

And then there's Simonhouse. The single most beautiful place in the world, to me. Sitting on the old broken dock, watching the sun that takes hours, 4 to be precise, to set, and the constantly changing skies that are NEVER the same, because every night there is a breathtaking sunset that even Saskatchewan can't possibly compare to... the people that ask me to explain what makes Simonhouse beautiful frustrate me so much. It's the kind of beautiful you can't see through someone elses words, it has to be experienced. It's a different kind of beautiful for everyone. Always. Some people love the presence they feel there, how God just always IS, you can feel it, that place is special. Or the types of friendships and relationships formed. Or the nature, or the lake. The music, the experience. For me it's the peace. Honestly, I don't get peace anywhere else like I do there. With the generator running in the background my head can finally think, with the earthy smell I can finally have my senses cleared. With the little girls hugging me I can finally feel some love. When I see the sunsets and the butterflies, the smiles, the history and the natural and simply beauty, I just smile. Because I'm at peace.

I guess I have to go stir my k.d.

University of Toronto?

2008-05-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

I was going over their website again, and I can't get over how impressed I am with their languages department. They were a school I had definitely been considering before God called me to Briercrest, but now that I know this coming year will be my last at the lovely 'ol Briercrest, I've found myself drifting back to the Utoronto website again! They offer SO many languages, honestly, all of the ones I want to learn - except for Cree - are on there and available for the learning! It's amazing!

However, that school, as interesting as it is, will have to wait. I'm currently putting the beginnings of my 09-10 travel plans together, it's so exciting! I'll be working, a part-time student (most likely, depending on how demanding the job is, though the government/people in charge of the embassy exchange say that it's not uncommon or difficult for students to work/travel aswell, so we'll see), and be travelling around Europe! It's just so exciting, I can't get over it right now! I mean, I've been making my little travel "where-to" book since I was about 7 years old, I mean, I have some entries I still can't read to this day (I had terrible printing for a while... it was a bad spout!). I can just imagine it, sometimes I lie in bed at night and just picture how the places will be in real life... like, Venice, VENICE! Wow.

Anyway... it was just on my mind. It's so.. ah, exciting! I mean, I'll be learning the languages, in places where they're spoken as the native language (so as to get top results, not to mention memories out the whazoo), and the experiences are going to be insane! And the kinds of inspiration I'm going to be able to find for my writing, and the things I'll be learning, it makes me want to shriek like a kid! I've been waiting my whole life, and now it's only a year away! My parents have finally become supportive of it, though tentatively (especially Mom), and think that it's really what I'm cut out to do for the next few years, and that I'll really excel in the things I try. I dunno.. I just had to funnel some of this excitement, haha. Hope everyone's having a good time!

Love you all!

I've figured Thompson out.

2008-05-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so for years now, I've been wondering what the heck is wrong with this place. I mean, there are the obvious things, such as if you were to lift Thompson and drop it in a big city's ghetto, we'd fit right in - thanks to excess trash and general needed repair and graffiti. But there's always been something more; something a bit uncomfortable and strange, especially with 90% of it's population. And today, Megan hit the nail on the head. When you come to Thompson, you see people, but you see people at the worst they can be. Teenagers falling into the typical ruts, but taking things way too far, so many pregnant young people it's sad, alchoholism, drugs, rape, violence, dirt, you name it, Thompson has it. Now don't get me wrong, there are exceptions (duh look at me! Just kidding folks :P) but overall, this is Thompson. And it's been getting worse every year.

It's difficult to talk to people who've never been to Thompson or experienced living in it, because they really can't possibly get aa grasp on it. A large part of the problem is just that it's isolated, and that a lot of the northern reserves aroung Thompson aren't given the care and respect they should be given, and so the people living in them end up living in shady and downright bad conditions, and this has a really negative affect on them. These reserves are shutting down and the people living in them are moving to Thompson. And I'm not saying this in a racist way, seriously, because Native people (many of whom I have as friends and have HUGE respect for) have a rich and amazing history and lead great lives that have great impacts. But the reserves, especially in N. Manitoba, seriously need to stop being exceptions to the law, because when the violence and terrible things that go on there are allowed to happen, it ruins the inhabitants lives. Can you imagine if the police in Thompson turned a blind eye?

And what the hell is with everyone becoming EMO?! I HAAAAATE emo culture, oh my word, HATE it. All it does is influence kids to take on a depressing and self-destructive view on their lives, how is this good for them in the least?!

And Thompson churches.. ugh... I almost don't want to start. The churches in Thompson are what hold the key to helping all of these people. Jesus Christ is needed more than ever, but the churches don't do a damn thing. As a congregation, we are ORDERED by Christ to spend time with these people and help them, in each and every way we can. "It is the sick who need a doctor, not the healthy."; yet if a drunk or homeless person were to walk into a Sunday morning service, chances are they'd be asked to leave without a second thought. It makes me sick. A part of me is so glad to get away from this place, but at the same time, I'm so afraid to go, because I'm worried about what's going to become of it. I worry for the few people that haven't slipped into the general concensus, that they'll become just like everyone else.

I want to see change.

Home again.

2008-04-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

I still haven't entirely gotten to the point of fully realising that I'm home for the rest of the summer. For one thing, I haven't had the chance to, as Mom has me running around like a person on acid (after watching Telletubbies perhaps?) - and it's bloody annoying -. But eh, I'm not bitter.

I have to admit that it's a little bit worrisome, going from the school where it's an amazing Christian environment, and you have so many people constantly pushing you in your growth and walk, and then coming home to Thompson. I mean, yes there are a lot of amazing Christians in my group of friends, and yes we have an amazing new Youth Pastor, but still, I have so much more independence in my walk now, it's almost scary.

It's also strange to think that I'm going on 20 in close to 3 months. This year has caused so many changes for me, in my thinking, actions, everything really. Have I grown up too much? Will things be akward with my friends? The way I see it, if anything, I can just accept the fact that I've become an old bag, get past it, but still hold that mentorship within my younger friendships, only now I actually have answers, whereas the past few years many of my answers were based moreso on opinion. I don't know, things are just so confusing. Does turning 20 do this to everyone? Gah!

Sorry for the short post, I may add a bit more later. It's too early for me right now.

Beth

I feel sad.

2008-04-10T18:27:00.001-07:00

I'm not entirely sure why, I just do. I've had a bit of a heavy heart all day, ever since chapel. It was the last time our current student body president would be speaking to us, before this school year ends and Anthony (who is also my german tutor) takes his place - which I am excited for, as he is an amazing speaker and has a huge passion for God. He spoke a lot about God, and how we really need to focus ourselves on Him. We hear this all the time - I hear this all the time. But honestly, I never really think on it at all. And then I got one of those convictions that set in softly, and then make you feel like you're having a heart attack. I'm not kidding, I had to sit down because I was literally in pain. My heart hurt.

So I sat there, thinking and listening. Elevate was playing with us, and they were playing the "Into Marvelous Light I'm Running" song, and the pain just kept getting worse. And I guess something in me sort of softened; normally someone would say snapped, or broke down, but no, it softened. And I started to pray. I have to be honest, prayer is a weak spot for me, I have trouble with it, feel self conscious, and I guess I just get a bit timid and shy, even with God. But I decided to just really open up a bit. So I was on my little pew, all curled up with my head on my knees, and then I was crying. It hit me that all this time, despite wanting to grow so badly, I'm STILL trying to do this on my own. WHEN AM I GOING TO LEARN? So I listed off some of the things I know are holding me back, the things giving me guilt to the point that I've half convinced myself that I just don't deserve this at all, and that are a huge roadblock for me right now. And I told him that I want HIM to take care of it for me. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, I'm tired of letting myself down, but if we pray, it says that He wont let us down right?

Needless to say, I also felt somewhat silly sitting there with all these smiling happy people, with mascara-raccoon eyes, lol. But it was a weirdly good moment. Unfortunately I sort of feel like a failure right now again, because, well... I slipped up again this afternoon. I feel like anytime I'm making any progress with God, I mess up. I let him down, I finally ask him to handle it, and I, as in ME, not Him, I mess up. It's so frustrating! Why do I suck so much, seriously?!

And then in my meeting with my RA, we talked about prayer... and it was so frustrating, just sitting there, when it's my weakest spot. Listening to the things I know by heart, but can't seem to understand in order to be able to pray properly (and yes, there IS a way to pray properly, lol, I've been fooled all these years into thinking that I can do any old thing and it'll still be a great prayer between me and God) and it just made me want to break down! And here I could have been vulnerable and said something, but right when I wanted to, someone came to tell Mel she only had a few minutes before she had to go somewhere. So I guess I'll wait... I dunno. Being vulnerable is so damn hard, I hate this. But I know that despite how long it's taking, I AM taking the baby steps toward something... I just wish my steps could get a bit bigger.

Pray for me, please?

Heading home...

2008-04-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

It's sort of strange to think that there's only 14 days until I leave. 13 full days here, as I leave on the 14th day; it's sort of scary! I've adjusted to the college/dorm life, and now I need to readjust myself to being at home and all of that, ach... there'll even be real food, this is insane!

And to think that I'll have to start work soon too, eek. I'm thinking maybe I'll spend the couple months left of Thompson school doing some substitute teaching, that way I can stay in town and sort of take it easy (as well as be closer to my ever so lovely friends who I utterly adore!) and get back into the swing of things (hurrah food and non-communal bathrooms!), before heading down to Snow Lake to sort of hunker down and get a job. Not going to lie though, before designating myself as bar-maid and hotel-maid, I'm going to look for some high-paying jobs in Thompson, maybe at MTS or something, we'll see what's available! Full time nanny perhaps (just kidding)?

Anyway, I just can't get over that I only have two weeks left. This week I need to do most of my packing, finish my two final papers, and learn German like there's no tomorrow! "Kuss mich liebling!" ... and then next week are my finals, which I'm dreading, especially Christian Worldviews, I have a sour little feeling in my stomach that it wont go over as well as I want it to. Then again, if it's on Chesterton, there's hope yet (there'll be more about him to come!).

Chesterton.. wow. Literature MIRACLE! He's a tad advanced for a lot of people, but when you're able to read him, then look over it, one finds that he's utterly amazing! Both quotes on my header thing are from him. The man is brilliant! I can't get over it, honestly, he's moving in on Shakespeare in my Literature Love Affair list! The way he tears into anyone and anything (honestly, no topic is too little or too much for this man!) without holding back on the wit and british humour, it's astounding! And the examples he thinks of are nothing short of amazing! I'm madly in like with this man!

Ok, don't want to ramble too much on that topic... but if you want a read that will be a challenge (but not too much of a challenge) with many benefits and a few laughs, read Orthodoxy by GK Chesterton. Then again, you guys don't seem to like the same things I do, so maybe don't... I dunno.

Much love,
Bethany

PS: We're going to watch a LOT of Gilmore Girls when I'm back, so get prepared NOW to hunker down with me ladies... and Doug can come too :P.

Just want to ramble a bit..

2008-03-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

Yup, ramble, not rant. Definitely not rant! So... I noticed that on here, as I'm typing this out, the font looks like Times New Roman, so I always change it to veranda, but then yesterday, I forgot to change it to veranda, and it looked normal and not TNR like on the post... does it look like TNR for you or just normal? Hmmm...

So, I'm still so confused about what to do for next year. I must admit, I've hit a small period of no motivation, it sort of sucks. I can't seem to spit out anything good for my papers, I have one due tomorrow that I've written twice, but deleted all of it both times because it isn't up to my standards. Ugh. I hate having standards, a) it means I wont ever be satisfied with the love of my life (just kidding, I threw that one in for fun), and b) it means that times like this threaten my academic life. Boo on Nana teaching me to have standards!

I just had to move outside of my room because my internet went funky, I don't know what's up with it these days! But yeah, so school wise I'm currently like that little duckling in the picture you always see, you know the one I'm talking about, the cute little duckling that can't get up the sidewalk curb like all of it's little duckling friends. Yup, that's the one. And yes, I'm tired. I'm listening to Indescribable, and although I originally really didn't like the song, I think it's become one of my favorites, mainly because over time I actually listened to the lyrics, and wowsa, they're amazing!

Anyhow, back to my lack of life goals, haha: So, I think I've decided that I'll be doing the second semester of Briercrest classes, that way I can take a few of the courses here that I REALLY want to take, and I can audit the second half (aka the fluent half) of the German course, and then I'll have it really down-pact, and THEN I can spend the year in Germany! How cool would that be? It would also allow me to have ample time to save up a lot of money (because Bible school is a money-blackhole) and stuff too, possibly buy a vehicle! I really need a vehicle...

Also, now that I'm turning 20, my parents are beginning to do the ever so loving "get life plans" thing, where I'm supposed to begin thinking about where I'll live next year (no worries though, I've got that one figured out, so hmph), where I'll be working, what I'll be doing, what I'll be driving, who I'll be engaged to (my dowry is getting old and rickety... soon the dear little goat will be giving powdered-milk!), etc. Oh life. Anyhow... although they haven't said it straight out, the pressure is there all the same. Maybe it's just my subconcious telling me to get a life? I dunno. I know I need to accept the "adult" responsibilities of life and such, but still, I don't want to be some cranky old adult. I officially can't claim that 19 is still a teen because it ends with the word teen (it's been my excuse so far) because twenty doesn't have it! It doesn't even have an extra 'e' so I could say that the word teen is hidden in it! *sigh*

Anyhow... other than that life is good, well, except for the lack of motivation and incoming slaughterhouse of exam periods and stuff. Not to mention the thought of losing my freshman TWENTY over the summer, gah... I put on twenty pounds, I weigh 130! ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY POUNDS! But no worries, I'm not obsessing ;).

Love ya'll!

SERVE Conference::

2008-03-29T17:24:00.001-07:00

Well, it really wasn't all that interesting, and I don't entirely feel changed, then again, the courses were slightly toned down and made as simple as possible, and a lot of older people with terrible jokes were the speakers. Unfortunately I was also really tired after watching all of Season 3 in about 2 days (gilmore girls ofcourse!)... *sigh* I'm so proud of our dear Rory for graduating, though I've seen that episode quite a few times over the years thanks to the lovely re-runs provided on tv!

Anyhow, the main speaker was funny, made rather "rash" jokes which I muchly appreciated, seriously folks, Christianity is NOT a serious thing! Anyhow.. I liked that his main point was that God came to do 3 things, I only remember the third one, and that is to "end religion". Hurrah for SOMEONE understanding God, yeesh, I get so bored of speakers coming in and making a big whoo-hah over "religion this and that" when in the Bible it never speaks in a good tone about religion. We need God, not religion fellas!

I just typed anyhow again, but figured I shouldn't use that to start my sentence. Um... yeah, so. Another cool thing the guy talked about was this: God could have made us at any time in the history of the world, but he made us now. He made us now, to impact the people we meet and he has us come into contact with now, because he wants us to, now. I thought it was cool and something to think about.

But alas, I have a LOT of work to do, only about 3 weeks until I'm all finished here, it's so sad :(. I have some papers (haha some.... I wish..) to finish and start, so I'm off!

Snowboarding on a MOUNTAIN!!!

2008-03-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

Right, so, I just got back. I left Thursday night with Mel, Jenice, and Hannah (I didn't really know Hannah before, but she's incredibly cool and funny, she can also spend an entire day falling and still look hot, I don't understand it) to head out to Calgary. We were planning on getting in by 2:30 am but got there at 5am, I didn't care, I had been sleeping, lol. Anyway, we stayed at Mel's cousin's place, to say the least, they essentially live in the richest area, are ridiculously rich, have cute dogs, cute kids, and a mansion. Oh yeah, the guy is a chef on the side, no joke, I haven't eaten food like that in my life, and he's going to make my wedding cake. Anyhow, more on the cake later.

So we got up early the next morning to go snowboarding (WOOOO) I'm tired, wired, and pumped. Meaning I was hyper out of my face and had random napping spurts. Anyhow, we got there, got our stuff together, went up the gondola, and were on a mountain (I was excited at this point). As if the beginning couldn't get any better, the guy at the boot rental thingy was A HOT IRISHMAN WHO LOVED FLIRTING!!! So I left with a huge smile, ready to take on the world.

I spent the next few hours on my butt. No joke, I fell more than I've ever fallen in my life. It was so much fun! Unfortunately, my bottom disowned me, but that's alright. After a couple of hours, I figured out how to plow backwards and forwards using the toe edge (just to point something out, it is a proven fact that snowboarding is HARDCORE harder than skiing, so don't laugh, it was bloody difficult!) and after that began learning how to go down a hill on the snowboard rather than my face.

By the end of the first day, I was partially able to carve, but I still fell constantly and took out little skiing children (they should be kept out of the way, seriously, the little dorks). I had an amazing time, and could no longer move properly by the time we got back into the truck. I loved it! I was bruised, had smashed all but a smidgen of my pride, and couldn't wait for more! We got back to the house (I essentially fell out of the truck as my legs werent working) and I had a much needed power nap and shower (I've never experienced hat hair like that in my friggen life!!!). Oh, and I had gotten to flirt more with said hot irishman before leaving, life is wonderful. Anyway, so the chef rich guy made us this AMAZING supper of (please keep in mind these were all made from scratch while I was napping) super soft and hot and amazing bread, and this honey/mango/curry chicken and pasta... I couldn't understand why my mouth was essentially having an orgasm (for lack of better description words :P) but wow, that man can cook!

We then went to bed completely exhausted (there was also shopping and snack excursions!). We got up really early 5:45 am the next day, got dressed (which was hard when your legs dont bend!) and headed out again. I slept on Mel, who was asleep but pushed me off anyway, apparently she's a touchy sleeper or something!) and we got there, went up the hill, and started our day! Once again I was greeted (nicely ;)..) by the hot irishman *sigh* and I headed out to conquer the world. I then spent the next hour or so on my bottom in complete frustration, and took out another little girl skiier (they really need to watch out!). Then Mel and Jenice (think YEARS of snowboarding experience) decided to give us another lesson, and suddenly... I GOT IT!

No joke, I was carving, and falling sooo much less. They took me to some tougher hills, and I was able to do them! I mean, at one point I flew into the air and literally landed face first hard enough so shut off my ipod which was on hold (meaning nothing you do will turn it off... yes, it was an ouch moment) but whooo dang! And by the end of the day, I was having no problem. Want to hear the best part???

I WENT DOWN A BLACK DIAMOND HILL WITHOUT FALLING!!! So here's the story for that one: I went up the strawberry hill (it's a green run for beginners) because I wanted to go down one I could for sure handle and stuff and go really fast on without falling, and when I got to the very top of the mountain, the wind was INSANE. It had started to snow, and you could literally not see a thing. I was completely snowblind, or whatever you call it. So I couldnt see the markers telling me where to go (dun dun dunnn) and I ended up missing my turn and flying down a black diamond hill. Yes, I almost crapped my pants. No, I didn't fall, I got it under control with a nice little backwards plow, then just did my thing! There were twists and turns and a hill, but I soon realised that if I continued down that hill, I'd die, haha, so I saw what appeared to be a trail leading to the big hill that went to the lodge. Sooo.. I went, and the next thing I know, I'm flying off a cliff. So, the "little path" lead to these rocks that the hardcores used to do big jumps. Yes, I went off of a little cliff, luckily there was a big wad of powder for me to land in, otherwise I'd have broken something for shizzle, lol. But yeah... I then continued down, excited and in pain, and we headed out (after another nice conversation and some "help getting my ever-so-tight-and-hard-to-get-off-oneself's-boots" with the hot irishman, I seriously took a liking to that guy). But the next day the conditions were uber sucky so we decided just to leave and come back early.

During the stay in Calgary I went to my first (and definitely not my last!) Krispy Kreme, had the best donut of my life, saw sooo many hot guys, got chased by weird east-indian guys who thought we were hitting on them (long story short: we were in McDonalds, I went onto the window ledge and made a sexy pose for a picture, Hannah winked at the guys who were gawking at my pose, and they decided to chase us... they didn't catch us!), had the best meals ever, etc etc etc.

I had the time of my liiiiiiife! And I'm now going to start snowboarding more often, I really like it!

PS: I might be in Germany for next year.

Thoughts on Henry James:

2008-03-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the classical novel "Portrait of a Lady" by Henry James, and though it was somewhat tedious and hard to get through at first, I've honestly come to love it! He has this way of taking the smallest detail and making it shine, and has such an amazing respect for his characters, especially Madame Merle and Isabel, it's fascinating to see what he does with them! I personally think he's got a thing for the ever so headstrong M. Merle, but maybe that's just me looking too much into things? Anyhow, it's a beautiful novel once one gets further into it, and I strongly suggest it to anyone who wants to read in bits and pieces, though some will take an hour or so per "piece".

Other than that, life in Caronport has been somewhat boring lately. I find myself going on walks constantly, as it's beautiful weather outside, nice and breezy, and moist with the promise of rain, though we never get it, lol. I've decided that I want to climb onto the roof of the outside laundry building, it's old and rickety, but I swear, it has footholds in the walls! I'll do it at night dressed in black, and take pictures to show my triumph... except I wont be able to show them incase anyone sees and I get into trouble of some sort. I don't want to do an hour of toilet cleaning with the janitor ladies :(.

I've decided that I only want to do 2 years here. So after next year, I think I might find a good job, start an apartment, and save money, do some writing, and finally get started on my travel plans. It would be a nice break, and then I can get a lot done and decide where I want to finish my years of studying. Then again, this idea may wear off soon and leave me back where I was before with the thought of continuing in the TESOL program or overall Global Studies. I'm just not satisfied in the way that I'm supposed to be learning all about the wide, vast, amazing world, and instead am sitting in Pentateuch class. Yes the other things are teaching me a lot of new information about the Bible and myself and the God I serve, but I want to know more about the world! That's what TESOL and global studies are all about! So I think I'll take the classes that focus more into that, and then spend a year abroad, and then find a school where the things that I want to learn are taught. We'll see.

I've decided that I know why God brought me here this year. I think it was to make me realise that I needed him, and really wasn't a Christian before this year. After coming here, I went through a crisis in which I realised that I didn't have God. I lived the life, but it was living under my parents' faith, not my own. And so now I've learned to take that faith and make it my own, and grow in and under God, and just surrender my life to Him. Yes it's still a battle in action, but I've learned so much that I never would have anywhere else. It was because I came here that I became a real, knowledgable, true Christian. And I'm so thankful for it!

Anyway, I suppose that's enough for now. The allergy medicine is clicking in and I'm sort of feeling "out of body-ish". G'night!

Jazz that goes down smooth, like chocolate ;)

2008-03-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not entirely sure why I wanted that as a title... but eh, it's true, I like my jazz, I like it quite a lot. It's almost the only thing I listen to nowadays, thanks to Joanna -all that forcing it on me, and she still couldn't stop me from preferring the types she didn't like- unless I randomly want something else!

Anyway, I'm thinking of applying to be a live-in on the highschool dorm (which is attached to Whit) next year. Apparently the college girls who choose to live over there get to make a big difference in their lives, and just set a great example and help to make them feel loved and part of a family, rather than like they're at a boarding school... which the highschool kids here are. I think it would be a pretty great thing, I get along with younger people, but know where to draw the line, and love the thought of setting an example and getting to interact and be a godly inspiration for them. I mean, I've always had younger friends, and I love them all to bits, haha. I don't have problems getting along with people, and I can handle noise levels (so long as I get quiet time now and again). I'm going to pray about it and talk to Terry and Jenn to see what they think, this could be a pretty cool idea!

I wrote two papers in two and a half hours yesterday, normally it takes like a week to get a paper written decently, but I dunno, I just totally zoned into them, and the next thing I know I had finished them both, cited everything properly, and reading over them, written some damn good papers! Haha. So that makes life nice and easy. Tonight I have to attend a lecture from the President of the American Chesterton Society, apparently he tries to be funny and is wickedly intelligent. But as it's for Christian Worldviews, and Sean Davidson's idea of funny differs greatly from that of the average person... chances are I'll only be impressed by his intelligence, and not his lack of humour!

Anyway, just wanted to give a teensy update! Love ya'll!

PS: Listen to Stiched Up by Herbie Hancock feat. John Mayer, it's amazing!

First post in March!

2008-03-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess technically I have a lot to say after my week at home... so I'll sort of give you guys an ever so exciting rundown on it all!

Firstly, I spent the day in Winnipeg with Tiff Lazar (lifeguard from Simonhouse) and had a great time. I got to do some much needed shopping, and spend a few hours at her dorm house (the guy who owns it is an artist and it's like living in a travel themed art museum, it's just too cool!). I also got to sit on a bus and ride it aimlessly for over an hour, something I've always wanted to do! So I get to scratch something off of my "before I die" list... yes! Then I got onto the bus for Thompson, it was packed. P-A-C-K-E-D! They even had to send people back to wait for the next morning's bus! So it smelt, and was loud, and I fell asleep and didn't care at all until we got to Thompson!

THEN I got to see my new house for the first time... it was sort of exciting, going home but not knowing where I lived :P. As we pulled onto the street, I definitely started laughing at this one house that stuck out from the others because it was a bright teal colour... sort of a barf blue. And then we pulled into it's driveway. Haha. Oh life, I adore you. Anyway, I like it, it's set up nicely, a little bit cold, but eh, it's Thompson, right? So I got to sleep for a bit, and wash up to remove the stinky bus smell! Then I went shopping at Giant Tiger to buy ugly tacky clothes that were on sale for really cheap! I bought a zebra costume for a baby... yup. And I looked darn hot in it too! Mind you, I had to cut it into seperate pieces in ordere to wear it, but you get the idea. Maybe I'll post pictures on facebook!

We wore our tacky outfits to the Youth Group that night, where I was introduced to the new Youth pastor couple... they're PERFECT! Musical, young/newlyweds, ANNNNNND the wife LOVES Gilmore Girls! God is SOO good, lol. He made us wait, yes, but then WHAM-O life gets awesome! I love them and can't wait to get to know them a bit more when school's out. (Rabbit trail #1 - I can't believe I'm done school in 6 weeks.. what the chotch is up with that!). But they were a ton of fun, and looked at me with the look that said (remember I'm wearing tacky clothes with an 8-month old's zebra costume a-top them "when we have kids, she is kept far away". But that's ok... they'll warm up to me, they always do :P.

The rest of the week was pretty good too, I got to sit in on Band class and Choir, sit in on Mr. Audets gr.11 comp class AND READ SHAKESPEARE! It was definitely a highlight for me, lol. I also got to whisper all the answers, *sigh* I love Shakespeare! Anyway... this is a rabbit trail in and of itself!

I talked to Debbie and realised that if I left thursday night (it was thursday night that I talked to her, lol) I could make it into Brandon right ontime to see her and a few people, so I hopped onto the bus. Now, things get interesting. We had to stop and turn back after abou 45 minutes because we realised we didnt have enough fuel to get to Winnipeg. AND the bus was cold enough that my lips/fingers went blue and I could see my breath. No joke, the coach couldn't maintain heat, and the bus sent to meet us from Winnipeg took it's sweet time. Haha. Needless to say, I was one of the few people who both got on and off the bus healthy, whereas the rest were coughing and sneezing and unhappy with their newly aquired colds (suckers!).

At Brandon I got to meet/hang out with Debbie's friends. It's Joyce's birthday on Sunday (I believe) and so we took her out for supper, and later on to go dancing at a bar. I got to go to a bar! It's been so long since I got to dance it up, so I had a great time. No worries, I stayed sober, lol. But seriously... it was just SO great to be able to dance around and have a great time. Apparently my moves have gotten a bit better though, because I (and a guy who was dancing with me and her friends) got to go up onto the stage beside the Dj and work it! Haha, it was pretty fun. The guy later brought up this conversation after a few hours of dancing and picture taking:
Hot guy: "So... I have a hotel room.."
Myself (with a sexy face on, hehe, just for emphasis and a laugh for myself!) :"Really? Well, I hope it has a t.v. hotty, because I'm not like that ;).."

It was pretty funny, lol. He was a nice guy though, and a pretty sweet dancer! He did the white boy breakdance moves, lol, too funny! Anyway, after that, I got onto a bus and came home to Caronport. It was a looong ride, but eh, I was so tired I slept through most of it anyway! So yes, I had some fun adventures and essentially an amazing week! Now it's back to midterms and final papers that are all due, CRAP!

It smells in here.

2008-02-28T19:11:00.000-08:00

Hurray for random bus creepers :(. So there are quite a few lookers on the bus (unfortunately this *Regina* was their stop, and they are now gone..) and I end up sitting across from some tree-planter who smells and likes to stare at me... not even kidding, I woke up, and he was STILL looking at me! What do I do! Are there such things as transportation-sized restraining orders? Lol.

Anyhow... I'm at the bus stop in Regina, it's rather boring, but I have internet, and therefore want to write on here as my update. It smells a bit, but tomorrow I'll get into Winnipeg, and rather than hop onto the transfer bus to Thompson, I'm going to stay and shop in Winnipeg with the lovely Tiffany Lazar, and then catch the night bus. Assuming that's possible, I sure hope so!

I wrote my first midterm, and realised that clearly I need to spend more time reading the scripture references given to us in classes, because half the exam was on them and I was REALLY struggling. I did well on everything else though, and the persuasive essay, well, you know me, it'll be good ;). I'm so excited to just get home, have a bath (such a rare treasure!), see some friends, and visit my little girls (no, not the siblings, my dogs!). I miss Mom and Dad and everyone, but mostly Mom and Dad, lol. We all know that a sibling to sibling relationship is never as loving as we'd like, right?

Anyway, I'm currently wishing I had thought to bring my sub from the bus. One of the first times I've ever had a cold cut trio rather than a yummy sub. Well, I hope it'll be yummy... they're tasty, right? RIGHT? Ok, clearly the smell in here is getting to me. So, I'll leave ya'll now. Adios!

First thing in the AM:

2008-02-26T07:22:00.000-08:00

It's about 9:20 here, which means Colleen is still snoozing, and I've been up for nearly 2 hours. Lol, welcome to one of my mornings :). I just finished doing my little bun and getting dressed (and choosing which warm cozy scarf to wear) and now I'll fill my thermos, pack my bookbag, and head out to the chapel to do some reading/praying before the chapel session starts!

This last weekend was YQ, and it was honestly amazing. The bands were a load of fun, and honestly Family Force Five REALLY put on a fun show, they do all sorts of fun stuff, and just have a great time on stage and stuff... so it rocked. I got nicely trampled in the mosh pit, and Elisha got hit in the eye. Hurrah for her first mosh pit! I must say, it was really nice to get to hang out with her and stuff just the two of us (plus a thousand or so kids) and to get to catch up. I definitely missed that, and now I'm excited because I'm heading home the day after tomorrow! So by Friday I should get to see Peanut, the new house, and my family and friends (I promise the priorities aren't in that order :P).

Anyhow, my week isn't going to be too busy... I miss my RA who left on Thurs. for England to see her beau for the anniversary (isn't that cute? I think I deserve someone with an accent... really now, Claire, when are you going to introduce me to that cousin of yours?), and I'm going to miss a whole bunch of other people when I go home! But then I get to see others who I've been missing and ahhh.. what a bunch of confusing stuff! Next topic? I don't have one :P. See you next time!

Sleazebag.

2008-02-15T22:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, I don't even know what to say. I'm not going to go on some rant about the guy, because that would just be acting like I'm 16 and not turning 20, haha. So instead, I'll say this. Watch out for the guys who always want to upgrade. One minute they're sweet and adoring, and the next they've found someone prettier. Ouch eh? Good thing I found this out before we let it grow into more than the friendship, well sort of.

Anyhow, my week has been utterly ridiculous. So busy, I don't know what to do with myself! I need a break so badly, but there's no time! Technically I shouldn't even be taking my term break, because I have a major paper due, and should be studying for midterms. This is awful, I'm starting to lose out on sleep too much again, I mean, I can handle it for a while, but my eyes are all brownish blue underneath, and I feel unattractive.

Umm, I don't really have much else to update. I'm not allowed to get my tattoo, because if they looked into it, I would have broken the school contract that I signed, as well as defied authority, so instead I'll be staying nice and un-inked. I don't really mind though, so far as I can see, it's God testing me to see if I'm willing to be humble and back down, so I'll glady do it.

God wise things are suffering a bit due to the fact that I'm overwhelmed with reading and tutorials and German, etc. But not to a desperate point. I'm still learning new things about Him and myself all the time. It's sort of strange to try and make an actual friendship, rather than a metaphorical one. I used to think I had one, but MAN was I way off. Haha... I love finding out how completely blind and wrong I was before. These journeys really never do end, do they.

"Though God is the powerful thunder, and force behind the storm, it's the gentle whisper of rain that brings refreshment to us."

A weekend of reflection:

2008-02-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

Yes, my weekends start on Thursday, actually, they start at 12:10 Thursday afternoon, as I only have one class on Thursdays and Tuesdays. It's Christian Theology II, and I must say, it's been really good this semester. Today was a strange one, our Prof. Peter Mitchell made a recreation (an accurate one too, not one full of bone and sharp rocks, that was several hundred years later that those were brought in) of one of the "whips" used in the flogging of Christ. He demonstrated on a bag of flour, which had completely imploded after 6 hits, and he wasn't swinging hard. It was really strange to see. Because there are two small lead weights placed about an inch apart from eachother on the ends of the 10 short leather strings, it bruises, and eventually tears the skin. After about 10-15 lashings, muscle would be left hanging completely from the body; a lot of people given this punishment didn't live to die on a roman cross. It's quite horrifying.

Anyway, we also learned about the Shroud of Turin, which I now plan to research in detail, because WOW is that an interesting subject. How did the image end up on the shroud, if the only possible explanation is radiation coming from the corpse, which we all know to be impossible? It's been proven that the image (on this shroud there is the face of a man, with a beard, etc.) there are blood markings all over it, pollen samples from a thorny plant found all around the forehead area, etc. And all the pollens found on the shroud are native to Jerusalem. Seriously, you should look up on it if you're bored, some people believe that this was the cloth placed on Jesus after his death.

However, on to the weekend of reflection: I don't think I'm a Christian. That's right, I don't mean that in a strange or bad way either. I realised today that although I know a lot about God, I don't really know him personally. And really, how can you know someone when you don't know them on a personal basis? There's a big difference between growing up reading about Sally, and actually spending time with Sally. I had a few talks today, and this weekend I'm going to take a long time to think, figure out what things are in my duffel bag (don't ask), and really think about going through the narrow gate. My duffel bag can't come with me, there isn't room. I know I want to go through this gate though. Man, Becca has some darn good imagery.

Anyhow, I want to spend a lot of time figuring out who Jesus was, attributes and truths about God, etc. I want to learn about them, I'm seriously so eager, but I'm also really, REALLY, afraid... I don't know why. Maybe because this is lifechanging? Haha. Anyhow, I'll write next week, and we'll see where I've gotten! I'm on a pilgrimmage to find out who this Jesus really was.

So I said to the guy..

2008-02-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

For some reason I've been stuck in a weird mindset lately. I don't know why, maybe it's being so immersed in books lately, but I've started speaking the way I write! How completely odd is that? Rather than being boring and blah, I actually make intelligent conversation! Even in my sleep, I've been asking Colleen all these philosophical questions that require "quite the vocabulary"! Haha, I love it! It's hilarious!

Anyway, I wanted to write about something different. Something REALLY exciting. You guys, lately I've been feeling a bit of a fire start. That's right, I'm getting excited about God. I don't know when it started, but I'm just getting so, so antsy! I can't stop reading my Bible and journalling, and finding questions, and answering the questions but coming up with more questions. It's about bloody time! I feel like I'm "a baby in diapers" as my RA would say (Mel's quite cool, she'd become a tad bit of a mentor for me lately, I'm so in her dept it's ridiculous, because this person is AMAZING) and it's just, humbling. But wow guys, wow. I love that God's revealing bits and pieces of who I'm supposed to become as a woman of God, and sometimes I sit there thinking "seriously, are you kidding? I'm not like that!" but then I take a good look at myself, and realise yes, I am, it's in there waiting to come out.

One thing I've been trying to do a lot of is just listen, to sit somewhere quiet and think to God, or maybe have some mainly one-sided small talk, but then to listen. And even when I don't get any answer in the least, I feel reassured, unlike last semester when I felt like I was being torn away and pushed further from Him. It's finally happening, I'm taking the faith I've grown up with from my parents and making it my own. I didn't realise it would be such a struggle, but I'm growing so much because of it. It's strange to "become a woman of God", I never took it seriously when I was in highschool, but now, everything's different.

Anyhow, I have some papers to write, so I have to take off. Fun readings!

Kind of confused::

2008-01-30T18:25:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to realise that I might not have made the best choices in friends when coming to this school. Like, I have nothing against the people I spend time with, but I've been noticing some bad habits I have that have gotten worse since coming here. I find myself swearing occasionally, and not just little things like "nice ass", but actual swears. I find myself making sexual jokes more often, or them being more crude than usual. I find myself constantly distracted from the things I SHOULD be doing, and instead sitting around talking about random, meaningless things, or watching stupid movies, etc. I want to have friends here that want to see me grow. And who not only say it, but act on it. Friends who'll push me, and keep me accountable, and actually, I dunno, be an example to me, and inspire me to be an example to them!

There are some girls who I've gotten to know who just blow my mind. They LOVE God, they want to see me LOVE God, and they don't just want to talk about boys and such (though we do that too), they want to have meaningful conversations, something I've really been missing lately.

But how do I make the transition away from the people I feel are pushing me backwards? I still want to be friends, and spend time with them, but I don't want to be around them so often that I allow myself to lose focus. In fact, I want to be able to spend time on my own, completely by myself, to do things on my own. I don't need a bloody sidekick. Yes people, there ARE days when I don't want to spoon, or be petted, or anything. Hello, introvert. Aka, I need my space now and then or I honestly will break down. Such as now. I'm insane. That's right folks, I'm going crazy, anyone along for the ride?

I'm sick of my roomy being here 24/7 and always finding something wrong. Like honestly, shut up. It's really hard to love someone who is just a bother all the time. Ugh... I feel so awful saying that. I take it back, she's really sweet.

You know what, I think I need to go read. Please comment, I'm lonely.

... thinking again.

2008-01-25T20:49:00.000-08:00

You know, I tend to think myself into corners a lot. I find that it happens when you question things, or think more deeply into things than it's needed, but I can't help it, what would life be without contemplation? Whether it's "this pasta has more starch in it than is needed, and so it's grossly chewy", or something deeper such as "why do I need a savior" <-- trust me, if you want to be lead in horrible circles by your own reasoning, that's a good one to go for. I was asked that early LAST semester and have yet to come up with a satisfactory answer. I know there is one though, there has to be.

I'm thinking about meditation. I used to enjoy it, and did it occasionally last year, and I found that it really was a great thing. You calm yourself down, can de-stress, prepare yourself for prayer, anything really. It was a great start and finish to my day. Yet now when I think about it, because meditation (in the way that I do it, sitting there, picturing something or thinking about a specific thing) and just emptying everything else out, is that not the same as the meditation used in religions like buddhism? I'm worried about doing something, or integrating something that I shouldn't without realising it. But then I wonder if it might be alright to do, if I'm thinking about a faith based topic, or doing it in a way to analyze myself and see what things I need to work on to deepen my faith?

Bah, I hate this side of myself. Actually, I quite adore it, and strongly hope that I can bring it out more, but again, it's strange. Only weirdo-guys wearing thick rimmed glasses, tight flood pants and pashminas do things like this (just kidding). I'm not sure. These are just some thoughts floating through my head at the moment. I really do love contemplation though, and questioning, thinking... they all flow so well into meditation, maybe that's why I enjoy it?

However, this isn't updating you all at all... then again, I don't have much of an update at the moment, haha. I'm somewhat behind on my reading, even though I do it daily, and so I need to catch up on that by amping it up a tad. I need to begin my papers so as not to be swamped to the point of suffocation when they begin piling up for the tougher months, I want to work on my prayer/scripture life... and um... well, that's about all I've had time to do lately! Sorry I'm such a bore folks, but that's TESOL life! I promise to start updating more regularily though, maybe even several times a week, we'll see how the workload evens out!

Reasons not to watch scary/demonic movies alone in a dark dorm room:

2008-01-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Firstly, if you hadn't previously thought to allow yourself a "pee break" prior to the movie, you'll find yourself dribbling in jump scenes (no worries, I remembered a pee break).

Secondly, the Devil will no doubt find it hilarious to plague you non-stop with scary things that will cause you to jump and squeal, and no doubt, have a dribbling replay.

Thirdly, they're scary.

However, they give wonderful excuses to cuddle/spoon with the lovely friend from down the hall, hurrah! Unfortunately, that friend is currently cleaning her room, hence my being on here. Yay. Not. But eh, updates anyone?

I'm working on the final design for my tattoo, which is really quite fun. I can't believe that this is the year. Claire, when you get back, I'll have a tattoo! Carolynn, the next time I see you, I'll have a tattoo! Tattoo, it's fun even just to say it! I feel so rebellious, except that I'm sure my Mom will enjoy it, and I'll "savour the flavour" of Dad's jaw dropping in shock and agony. Oh yes, life is sweet.

Anyhow, I don't really have much else to say, classes have me swamped, I did my toenails, and I'm off for a spoon!

Nothing really?

2008-01-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

Well, courses start up tomorrow, which is a bit strange, as it feels like I'm on a weekend or something. I guess I should be setting up my binders! Though tomorrow and the day after will be introductions to the class and overvues of the syllabi... but still!

I don't have much else to say though, lol. My friends are back, and life is great!

Lonesome in the Port..

2008-01-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I got here (the school) on the 4th, and it's now the 6th. I'm very much lonesome, and hoping that my friends start pulling up soon! There's really nothing to do, haha, I've cleaned my room, made it messy, and cleaned it over again, done my hair and scarves in various styles, and watched a few movies. Luckily the ever so cute Holly has been around to keep me company, but she also has classes and other friends to preoccupy her... so I'm quite lonely.

I have however had time to work on my book, which was successfully retrieved from the evil broken downstairs computer, and my heart is forever happy. Reading over it, I've surprised myself, there are so many things that I don't even remember writing, it's actually a pretty decent read (and I'm picky!). So that's exciting, but there's a lot of editing to do, and that's given me something to do during the long lonely days of "pre-semester time" here at Briercrest.

Anyhow, other than that.. well.. I guess I could write out my NYR (New year's resolutions) for ya'll...

1. Wake up between 7-7:30 daily, and eat Breakfast.
2. Finish my book
3. Watch what I eat, the caff is the devil.
4. Work hard and consistantly in every class this semester, and no laptopping in class!

That's about it really, other than some God stuff that you guys don't need to know about (unless you're my close friends, in which case, ask away!).

Love ya!
Beth

So many thoughts, I need to write them down..

2007-12-22T22:02:00.000-08:00

I just watched Invisible Children, and that movie is so inredibly moving. It reminded me so much of the heart I have for those people, and I have no idea why. Anytime I watch the suffering, it's like there's something inside of me that just wants to break free and go to them. I've always loved holding people, trying to show them that I care for them and love them, yet in this country, in our spoiled and corrupt part of the world, no one needs it. Yet in those places, being held is something that means more than any of us could imagine. Why? Because they aren't held. I just sat through 55 minutes of children 5-14 holding guns, missing limbs, not willing to cry because when they do they're shot... 55 minutes of heart wrenching wickedness... these children have absolutely nothing. What the hell are we doing in Iraq and Iran when all of this is going on? They're building weapons... yet these children are becoming weapons, weapons that no one cares about and that mean nothing to the people using them, they're invisible. It's a genocide.

I'm going into a rant there, and I don't want to, that's not why I post these things. I want to hold those children and tell them that there is hope; that eventually, when our society is done with making sure our backs are still cushioned against little threats against us, that they wont have to worry about having limbs chopped off, or about being told to shoot their family members. I just want to tell them that there is love in this world, even if they aren't shown it. I want to show them the love they've had ripped away from them. Why is this so strong inside of me?! I hate that I have to live in this damn country where no one gives a crap about anyone else. Even when we say we do, we really don't, otherwise the World would be so different. We're selfish pigs, even I'm a selfish pig. I don't deserve what I have.

On another upsetting note, one of my friends almost died. She jumped out of a car so her boyfriend wouldn't kill her. Now she believes there's a God. Does she really? I don't know, but any chance for her to grow closer is an opportunity for me. I've been working on her for so many years, I got her through highschool, even though I'm a province away and see her once every 3-4 years... I wont ever give up on her. She's so broken, it tears me to pieces just to talk to her. Yet I don't like to tell others, because they label her, they don't know her, they have no right, so I wont put her through that, even if she never knows. Fiona, I won't ever give up on you, never.

God is an answer that she needs to understand... everything else falls through for her, every single time. And if I lived there, I would spend every day trying to show her that things can be different, when she's become numb to any difference. That's what happens when indifference is all you meet, it becomes you. I hate that I can't be there. I hate that I can't be in Uganda. Why am I going to some school, sitting through classes, eating huge meals, living a daily life that would be a miracle sized dream for others? God, why couldn't I have been born into a place where people actually feel?

Exam crunch!

2007-12-13T12:48:00.000-08:00

I have been so ridiculously busy lately, it's terrible. However, I do have some interesting updates.

Firstly, boy news! I never really have the time or the chance to fully explain things, so here goes: His name is Joel Tosh, he's a firefighter, security guard, hockey player, and so far an amazing Christian as well. We met somewhat randomly (I chased him down after Theo class because I thought he had been talking about someone I knew and was curious), and after that we just slowly got to know eachother more. Last night we had a little bit of a study date under the stairs, he brought the blanket and I brought the hot chocolate and approx. 100 pages of study work (why do I always have to be the bearer of bad news?), anyhow, it was a grand time.

We've talked about dating, and I still want more time to think it over and such, I refuse to rush it, but so far we get along really well, so after Christmas Break I'll have an answer for him. Speaking of Christmas Break.. I'M SO EXCITED! I can't wait to go home and see Claire, Carolynn, Nicole, Becky, Ainsley, everyone! It's going to be so amazing to see everyone and just relax without the insanely huge piles of homework I always seem to have (honestly, I had so much, I wasn't even able to squeeze in a paper worth 35% of my mark... what kind of Bible College is this, I thought I'd be taking it easy!). Lastnight was my third all-nighter in a row, which has taken its toll, as my head is pounding and I slept from 10 until 2:30 without a thought, and will continue to sleep later on.

Anyway, that's my quick update, I'll add more later, as life is slowing down (thank God!). Tchuse!

P.S: I need to think of something cool to do with my hair dye wise, and I can't wait to show the ladies my cute perm!

Update time!

2007-12-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while, sorry. I've been relatively busy with life in general, between visiting people, trying to cram in last minute papers, reading, and just spending time doing anything that might bring about procrastination, it's been a good time, but tiring.

At the moment I'm in my room, with my room mate, who (though slowly getting better) is really sick, and it's sort of grossing me out, because she's REALLY sick, coughing, nose blowing, sniffling, it's all there... and contagious, ick. There are some days I'd give anything to have a room to myself, but I know that I'm being awful whenever I think that; she can be quite nice.

I'm getting so excited to go home for Christmas, see all of my friends, eat real food, plan out New Years Resolutions, possibly find a skidoo to steal/borrow, see the kids I babysit, and see my family and adorable puppies! I'm also excited to just have a break where I do nothing, don't have to worry about school work, and can sort of relax, maybe do some workouts and stretching (who knew stretching was so relaxing!).

As for a personal update: I'm happy to be pretty much healthy again after my sore throat/runny nose bout, and God wise, well.. I guess I'm just sort of finding a bit of peace. Vulnerability isn't coming easily, and I find myself fighting it more with each step I take toward it (oxymoron much?), but I've been taking small steps, and that's what counts in the end! Maybe I'll get to spend some time with my bible/hear/learn some encouraging things during the Staff Reunion at Kristin's house!

P.S: I'm still in a "I want to be someone's special someone" frame of mind, I really just need a good cuddling session over a book or something. Cuddle anyone?

A few piccies?

2007-11-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

I decided to try and include a few more recent pictures of myself and one of the girls here. As we were driving to McDonalds for a late night snack (we also hit up Tim Hortons for a Mocha.. yum!) we realised that one of her friends had left a camera in her car, so OF COURSE we ambushed it and decided to snapshot our souls away... it was a good time, so have at'er!

blowing kisses (I dont know why it got all screwy like that!)

just being unsafe drivers (and in my case handicapped)

Yay for fatty foods!

Yeah, its going to look all funny and scattered, but it was my first try! Yay for firsts..ish.

One Chance

2007-11-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

Writhing, seeking after a light that doesn't seem to exist..
A dancing hope, about to go out.
How long can I play along to this dance?
Throwing myself forwards, letting this rhythm take hold;
I don't care much, but it means everything to me.
This concept, this idea... this life.
As I watch from the shadows, kept apart from their light,
I see everything I could ever dream of:
They're all so happy, so carefree, yet so caring and cared for.
I'm cold, this gooseflesh no longer leaves my skin.
Sometimes I feel as though my heart doesn't even beat anymore,
How can a dead heart beat?
This pressure has created a box around me,
I feel pushed everywhere I go, conformed into a deadly stereotype;
I'm screaming, unaudibly, I'm screaming.
What is there in this life?
Unlock the key to my heart, please!
Just give me a chance, one chance,
One chance to prove that I can feel, that I can love,
That I can live; I hate being dead.

Crisis Point!

2007-11-23T17:36:00.001-08:00

Ok, I'm so unmotivated, it's not even funny. My room at home is VERY clean and mostly orderly (except the clothes pile, but we have a laundry shoot, not clothes baskets), and somehow manages to keep me motivated, I think it's the collage border of things I heart. However, here I'm literally going insane.

My room is a mess, and I don't want to clean it. I have SO many assignments, and I don't want to do them. I have mail to send, and I don't want to send it. And worse yet, I can't sleep anymore. No matter how hard I try, I can't fall asleep. Ugh.

I don't know what's going on, but I have to snap out of it. I have 6 big assignments in the next 2 weeks that I have to do, and do well. I HAVE to mail out my medical forms or I can say bye bye to my medical coverage AND to my specialist appointments (and dang do I need them, I don't know what's going on, but I'm sick right now.. and not in a flu type of way), and my roomy is OCD meaning I have to clean for her sanity.

However, I'm bloody pissed at the world at the same time! How awful am I for being incredibly and uncontrollably sick of my room mate? I honestly wouldn't blink twice at the moment if she disappeared. I'm the worst person in the world. But she doesn't do.. well.. anything, but in strange ways. She's everywhere I go, and has the most annoying habits. I think she's the opposite of my myars briggs, I really do. Ainsley would understand. But anyone I have to rant about her to, KNOWS HER. I wonder why, anyone I hang out with, she involves herself with. God forbid we have a few seperate friends, nevermind a few seperate HOURS. She's just so akward, I hate akward people... so unsure about everything, and just akward even in the way they move and talk. Who the heck doesn't know how to hug properly, she looks like a friggen hunchback any time she tries!

And now she keeps talking about wanting to get a hoodie like this and that.. are you kidding me?! I wear skate brands because I used to skate, aka, I'm not a poser. She's a preppy little thing, she'd throw off the entire style she's spent years perfecting if she started to dress like me. Bloody hell, I want to punch a wall, but I'd break my friggen hand. I'm so angry right now. My eyes are green again, ugh.

Ok, I'm done ranting for now. If Ainsley ever finds/reads this, tell me what your secret body hiding place was for your dead roomy. Please.

Wondering about God..

2007-11-20T19:24:00.000-08:00

So I'm supposed to just break down, after so many years of holding myself up, standing on my own, and never being vulnerable. When as a child you go to someone to be comforted, or to just be vulnerable and held, and they aren't there, it leaves a lasting impression. I am strong. But am I strong enough? I always have been... but everyone tells me that's not good enough, that I wont be able to last, that I need to give it up to God.

What if he wants me to be strong? I have people that rely on me, that need me to stay strong. Who cares if I don't cry? The last month I've cried more than I have in years, but I don't feel good about it; I hate it. I mean, sometimes the release is good, but then I look around and see these girls/guys that take it too far, they're entirely dependent, and it's not on God. They just unload and unload and unload, and it's entirely on the wrong person. What if I became like that? I'd turn into something I'm totally against, and I'm afraid to chance it.

But then I think about what I see in people here; this freedom, this joy, this sense of absolute guarantee. They know Him, they know what He does, they understand Him, and I have no idea. I saw someone do something for the first time in my life yesterday, and it was something that (in my mind) proves Him, His power. But I don't know what to make of it, it almost scared me. I've always been so cynical, questioning everything, analyzing ever little bit of this. When I'm supposed to leave it all up to faith. But at the same time, I'm to smart to be duped, I'm unwilling to chance placing my life and well, soul, into something that may not be real. But watching her do that, it scared me, in a great way. I couldn't stop the tears afterwards, because now I know.

But what do I do? How am I supposed to find that release? They always make it sound so easy.. IT'S NOT. I can't just let myself fall, can you possibly imagine the pain, the rejection, the horror I'd feel. I'd never be able to so much as consider a God again, and that's the worst part. So far I've reached out a little bit, I realise now that even when I thought I was, I was never reaching all the way, because of this fear. I know what it's because of, I've reached out before only to be let down, and not softly, I fell hard, and it scarred me. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? Right? I don't know anymore.

I know that I want what they have. I know that... I know, I think I know. I want to have that comfort, that belief that someone there actually cares, understands, wants... and all for me. But at the same time, I've built a life on independence, how do I reverse that? And if I do, would I ever be able to regain the strength I have now? But at the same time, is it strength I harbour now, or is it coldness? I wouldn't say I'm bitter, I know I'm not, I'm far smarter than to hold onto little things and let them overwhelm me... but, I know that I refuse to let them happen again, to restart a process so severe. But I'm fully aware that I'm cold. I can be happy and sweet, but inside, a part of me has been frozen for years, and if it does ever thaw, will there be too much frostbite for it to ever heal?

I'm afraid. Can I even talk to someone about this? It's huge... I don't know if they even care enough, it'd be a huge responsibility. I can carry it on my own, but in order to do this, I have to share. Where the hell would I start? Who? And why am I so afraid...

Larissa's "Experience"

2007-11-15T17:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here typing on my computer in a friend's room, and she's sort of panting. It got louder and louder, and I'm like "alright... whatever" and suddenly she looks over and is like "sorry, I just had an orgasm." Akward? Hot? An akwardly-hot mixture? Haha.

Anyway, I'm dying for some snow, there isn't any here at all, yet at home there are snowbanks, we got 15 cm one night alone, never mind the entire week's worth of snow! I'm going to be doing some heavy duty skidooing when I get home in a few weeks!

Life around here is so boring, but people like to spice it up a bit, such as Larissa (again) who nearly made me yell a few choice words when she decided to shoot at me out of nowhere with a cap gun. Or Amanda, when we did a random photo shoot earlier this year that involved crawling into stinky and leaf filled pipes. It was a good time. I did some leap frog with chairs in the hall too! But still, stuff is settling down, and I'm bored out of my mind!

I'm so sad, but honestly, I really wish I had a boyfriend. I miss being cuddled, and being all girlish and like, feeling like someone's special someone. Plus, there are so many fun things you could do with a boyfriend around here, go for coffee, sit and talk, go for walks (there are cute walking paths) the stars here are ALWAYS amazing, chapels, classes.. you name it. No wonder everyone here gets married, its perfect for romance, if only it wasn't so frowned upon, haha.

Anyhow, I'm off.. later!

Retarded Life.. RETARDED.

2007-11-13T16:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, so, first things first. I finally feel like I can handle talking to Jo, and he comes up on MSN and says that God doesn't want him to be friends with me right now. Ouch? But I understand, he needs to get himself right with God, I pulled him off track... I'm the reason he needs to fix himself now. Oopsie.

Man, I have a midterm tomorrow, and oh dang, I haven't started to study. Today's been a pretty awesome day though, between classes (I found out that I'm not that bad at spelling in German, sweet action!), finding out quizzes have been put back by a week and a half, and other such joys.

I can't wait for Christmas. I'm going to do SO much fun stuff, hardcore skidooing (with friends ofcourse), maybe some sledding at the hill, potentially some snowboarding, we'll see. Depending on who's in town when, I'm definitely going to go hang out over coffee with Megan, my inner writer is starving for her, you have no idea!

Speaking of writing, I definitely need to pick back up on that, I think I'm going to start doing at least one piece of poetry a week, as well as working on my book a few times a month. Maybe I should switch those priorities eh? Hmmm..

Whoopsie?

2007-11-11T16:20:00.000-08:00

Alright well, my room mate and I decided we were going to go a week without internet. However, as of 3 hours ago I realised she was listening to music online... which sort of defeated the purpose, and since I was getting grumpy (I had nothing to do!) we decided to call it off. However, we are both cool people in our own eyes, now all I need is some sparkly spandex and a cape, heck yes!

I sort of really miss my puppies, especially Mocha. As dumb as the dog is, the fluffball is TOO adorable not to love, and with her big floppy paws and cute brown eyes, I can't get enough of her! She's so cuddly, and the chihuahua is pretty awesome too, if not a tad ADD and spastic?

Anyhow, enough reminiscing of my home life... I hope it snows here soon, I'll find some random stuff to do, like jump out of trees into snowpiles or something... and there's public skating, so once I get my skates sharpened, that'll rock out.

I wish I didn't have so much reading to do for Miracle Month (aka when the profs get together and decide how best to ruin our lives and run us into the ground... how sweet eh?) because if I see another word or two, I just might get sick. But at least I don't have as many assignments as some of the other ladies on the hall, I feel bad for a few of them.

Anyhow, I'm off.

Just want to type..

2007-11-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

I guess I decided that I just wanted to start up a little blog of my own again, now that my livejournal has all but gone to junk and such. It's nice to be able to just talk about what's going on, type it out, and have it said... you know?

Now that I'm at a new school, things are pretty cool, but at the same time, stressful. I sort of wish I had my skidoo here, but even if I did, let's face it, there's no snow. Zilch. I don't know what to do with myself! I feel so lazy, normally I can take out a quad, skidoo, kayak, you name it, and just have a go, but here I can't even throw corn in the cafeteria without getting a fine. Psh.

I like that I've gotten to open up to people here a bit and stuff, it's good to know that I've found some people I can talk to and trust, everyone needs that now and then. There are actually some really cool girls here, I mean, I figured a lot of fun and cool guys would be at the school, but at the same time, I had this picture in my head of all these little nun-ish girls and pastor's daughters, wearing turtlenecks and glaring at me because no one else had ever done anything or been spontaneous before... boy, was I wrong. Haha.

I'm hoping to find some people that want to make a roadtrip out to Regina for like, a long weekend sometime, not necessarily this semester, but maybe next. I think it would be SO fun, like, shopping, maybe get in a day of boarding, and just chilling... I totally need to just like, bust out and do some crazy stuff, I'm going insane in this little box of a town! It sucks that I actually know how to do these things decently, and can't at all, because a) Saskatchewan was flat, b) I don't get my scholarship mula till December, c) No one here does anything, and d) I don't have any of my stuff here with me at the school, but eh, I'll get over it.

Anyhow.. I'm off..